I can't orgasm if I'm not thinking about my kink

[Shimotsuki]

Hello! I (MtF) have an (perhaps?) unusual kink that can't be really replicated in real life (it has to do with size differences), but can't orgasm without thinking about it at all times. The thing is, this is not really ruining my sex life with my bf at all, we're extremely compatible and I find him extremely hot. There's also a very clear difference of when I do it alone and when I do it with him so I know it's not an arousal problem. He's also pretty supportive of it, he says he finds it sexy too and sees no problem in me having it and I don't either! This is so primordial in my being that getting rid of it would feel weird, I have no idea where it came from (I'm tall and always wanted to be short since i was little so it could be that) but I have some extremely early memories of it being there already, feels like it was meant to be. This is also not a treatment or gender thing because this also happened pre-transition with my ex-gf.

So it really seems like there's nothing to complain about, but the thing is... I feel really guilty that I need to focus on it while we're doing it... I wanted to be able to get there only with his touch, but it's really hard. I still think of us while making up scenarios in my head, but sometimes it feels really bad because it feels like i'm out of what i'm doing at the moment, like everything he's doing to me is meaningless because I'm off in fantasy land in my head... I know that's not really true because I genuinely remember all of his touches, but it doesn't make me feel less guilty, kinda cried about it today too just out of guilt i feel like this isn't normal at all...

So i guess what i'm looking for is not for ways to eradicate this, but being able to live with it alongside more "normal" sexual interests... is it even possible to condition myself to do that?

[Willa]

Hi Shimotsuki,

I am glad you found something so pleasurable to explore in your sexuality, as well as a partner that is open and respectful while exploring this with you. I just want to reiterate that just because something is out of the "normal" during sex, doesn't make the sex or the pleasure you experience from it less valid or special between you and your partner. That being said in terms of being more present one option may be to engage your boyfriend more in your fantasies, so that the scenarios can take place more outside of your head than inside of them. Does that sound like something you could talk to him about?

In general with sexual responses, when we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to change quickly or focus a lot on our shame based feelings- we are less likely to have pleasurable experiences. Making sure you feel as relaxed and comfortable as possible, not rushing or blaming yourself for anything- can be key to successful sexual exploration.

[Shimotsuki]

Thanks for replying!!

I think he'd be up to it!! I guess there's a bit of shame involved because I feel like I'd feel a bit silly role playing in real life but then again, I can't know until I try... I had honestly blocked that possibility out of my head completely...

Also yeah I have a big problem with relaxing, I'm always thinking and thinking, maybe I should just not really care so much about doing it perfectly or changing something, I feel like I'm maybe just focusing too hard on orgasms too, I still have tons of fun even without them, just wish I wouldn't feel so abnormal but i guess i could be having a pretty narrow view of what "normal" is too...

[Sam W]

Hi Shimotsuki,

It sounds like it's worth talking with him about then! And you know, lots of parts of sex are silly or awkward, especially if we were to zoom out. But in my experience, embracing the fact that sex is silly or awkward is a big step towards being able to see sex as a form of play, which makes it easier to shake off some of those expectations about needing to be "normal."

Too, seeing sex as a form of play is a good way of decreasing that feeling that you have to do things perfectly, because it shifts the "goal" of sex from orgasm, or from things going are certain way, to being solely about you and your partner enjoying yourselves. Does that make sense?