Just broken up, help!

[Liore]

I just got broken up with by my boyfriend of almost two years. It was both of our first relationships. He did it over a phone call, basically saying that he was in a really bad place mentally, and needed to sort out his own mind, and that he didn’t feel he was in a good place to be in a relationship right now. I was blindsided by it, I think, and all the feelings are feeling themselves. I don’t know what to do next, since he said he still wants to be friends. He said I could still send him memes, he would still send me memes, that I could call him and text him when I ever needed anything, that I could even still call him the pet name I called him when we were dating. I want to still be friends with him, but I don’t know how to reach out, especially with all these feelings. It’s been four days and it’s been radio silence on both of our ends. I know I should give myself some time before trying to reach out, but I have to see him in person in four more days and don’t know how to handle that interaction either. I also have this urge to talk to him, because I never wanted our relationship to be a source of pressure on him. I guess I just want to ask, how did we get from point a to point b? Three days before the breakup he was still sending me lovey-dovey memes and pictures. Is there still love for me somewhere in him? Is this hurting for you as much as it is for me? I also know I should save these questions for when I have a clearer head, but the thoughts are just so abundant, like was there something I could’ve done or said? Part of me just wants him back, but another part says that the relationship wasn’t perfect, and looking back the communication wasn’t amazing, big things really only got talked about after they blew up, not before, and another part that is trying to accept that if this is what he feels is best for him, then I need to accept it. It feels like so much right now, and I know our dynamic won’t be the same but I want it to be so bad, and I suppose I’m a little scared of what it’ll look like in the future.

[Andy]

Hi there Liore and welcome to the boards!

I’m so sorry to hear that, breakups can be so hard and things like it being your first one or how unexpected it was for you can make it even harder. There is a lot we can talk about and I think this article covers most of it (including some practical tips how to take care of yourself in this difficult situation): Getting through a Breakup without Actually Breaking. So I thought I would give it to you first and then we can talk about anything from it or anything else if you want. How does that sound?

Also, would you like to talk more about having to meet him in a few days? We can for example try to brainstorm some ways to make this encounter more comfortable for you.

[Liore]

Thank you, the article really helped. Especially the part about the breakup not being a rejection of myself as a person, I think that helped reframe my thoughts big-time, acknowledging that something wasn't working instead of focusing on the more negative "oh woe is me I am awful" feelings. The part about mourning what could have been struck a chord too, it was a big thing to me the first one or two days post-breakup that all my dreams with him weren't going to come true now, and being reminded that while I did lose those hopes and dreams, I didn't lose the actual things, and those dreams still aren't impossible. The part about acceptance and resolution too, accepting that the relationship as it was is over and resolving your feelings about it, I don't quite think I'm there yet but I have faith I'll get there eventually. It also provided a nice reality check against my desire to immediately go call him and hash things out. I think I needed to be reminded the difference between reacting to and processing my feelings and giving myself a good chunk of time to actually go through things. The part about how once people actually do break up, they've probably done a lot of thinking and feeling about it already, kinda spoke to my big fears/questions about how "is he hurting as much as I am?" "Was this not important to him?" and a whole host of others, I think focusing on myself is a good thing to do right now. And I'm sorry that that was a lot of me just hashing out my internal thoughts, but yes please, some ideas on how to handle that encounter would be nice. I'm just worried that it'll turn really awkward really fast, and I'd like to try to avoid that, but at the same time I don't think simply avoiding him is the right thing to do.

[Willa]

Hi Liore,

I'm glad the resource provided was so helpful to you and allowed you to do some self reflection. Break ups are very disrupting and can raise a lot of negative feelings and self doubt, but through caring for yourself healing is possible. When you see him in a few days will it be a social engagement or an engagement such as school? Seeing someone you have strong feelings for after a break up can be very difficult and awkward, but doing what is best for yourself in the moment is always most important. If you need to take more space when you see him because it is so fresh, it doesn't mean you two don't care for each other-just that you both need some time to process. Reaching out to acknowledge that you will be seeing each other is one option, and making an agreement to give each other space is one option to ease some of the anxiety or awkward feelings.

Another important, albeit cliche, aspect of healing from a breakup is time. The mind needs time to make sense of such a big change in one's life. It is very important that you take this time to feel everything you need to feel, fully mourn and express yourself instead of trying to put up a brave face too soon. When you saw one person for so long in one way, it takes time to gradually accept they no longer play that role in your life anymore. While avoiding may feel painful because of the love and memories you share, sometimes it is best to take the space to process first before trying to have too prolonged of an interaction. Does that make sense?

[Liore]

Yes it does, thank you! It's going to be a social engagement. I think that's a good idea, to not have too long of an interaction and give myself some more time and space to get over it. One thing I did have was a keychain I got on vacation as a gift for him before we broke up, but I never had the chance to give it to him, so I'm wondering if I should still do that. I think I should, but it might bring up feelings and memories that aren't exactly pleasant to deal with.

[Latha]

Hi Liore,

Since he said that you can still send each other memes and that you can call and text him, it sounds possible that he could accept a small gift like a keychain.

Of course, you don't have to decide this right now. You could get through your meeting, give yourself some more time, and then decide if you want to give him the keychain.

[Liore]

Thank you! I did manage to get through the meeting, albeit not unscathed. It was a showcase for a ballroom dance program he does, and afterwards I went over to the exit area to try and see if I could find him, and I did end up finding him, it's just that the transcript of our conversation went a little something like this:
"hey"
"hi"
"How are you doing?"
"ok"
"Listen, remember that keychain I got for you? I still have it, I forgot to bring it today but I promise I'll get it to you at some point in time"
"No it's ok, listen I really gotta go"
And I was like "oh, ok then," and then he left, and the thought running through my mind was that I think I deserved a little more than that? I know that he probably wasn't lying to me, it was raining and his level of the dance program had an event afterwards that his partner's parents were taking him to, so logically he probably did have to hurry. Still though, it feels like any progress I may have made on healing just became undone. I supposed it helped me in that it squashed any lingering hopes or delusions I had about us somehow miraculously getting back together again, but it still hurt, and somehow those hopes still aren't fully gone even though I know I need to let them go.
The thoughts running through my head were what was all of it for? Not just going to the showcase, but almost two years of being in a relationship, and all the times it stressed me out and made me smile, it feels like I gave my heart away only for it to be returned in a collection of tiny pieces. Logically, I know that it wasn't for nothing, I grew a lot as a person and learned a lot about myself, but it truly doesn't feel that way. My other thought was how was he so ok? It feels like I'm here devastated and he seems just fine. I know I need to start detangling my feelings, but with everything going on in life, with studying for exams and all it feels like I simply don't have the time to sit down and process things. And I know better than to trust promises made in first relationships when people are young and all that, but he promised me forever and I actually believed him, and it feels all so painful now. I know I can't dictate his feelings, and I know better than to obsess over what he's doing and how he's feeling rather than focus on myself, but the struggle is just so much.

[Latha]

Hi Liore,

I think you have an idea of what you need to do to get to the end of this: you need to detangle your feelings and process and make progress and heal. But that can't happen in a day. This relationship was important to you- give yourself a little more time and grace to feel your feelings. Eventually, this will get easier, and you will be able to believe the things that you know logically now.

I understand why you're thinking about how he's feeling. It can be difficult not to do that after a relationship ends- you might be looking for answers of a kind, or an acknowledgment that the relationship meant as much to them as it did to you. As I'm sure you know, just because he seemed fine, that doesn't mean he is, and it also doesn't mean he didn't care about your relationship together. You said it yourself in your response to Andy: by the time people break up, they've probably done a lot of thinking and feeling about it already.

I think it is a good idea for you to try to focus on your own feelings here. Look for support in your other relationships, and try to explore activities that you enjoy.