How do I accept my unusual preferences?

[Jay27]

I have a very strong preference for giving sexually and I’m not into having my genitals touched. I get physical pleasure from seeing and hearing my girlfriend enjoying what I’m doing to her. I’ve tried receiving manual and oral sex before and it makes me uncomfortable. My girlfriend, on the other hand, doesn’t get any pleasure from giving and only likes to receive. The two of us fit together very well but I feel like I can’t talk to anyone else about my sex life because my preferences are outside the norm. I wonder if there’s something wrong with me because of what I like.

[StephR]

Hi Jay27,

This is actually very common in the lesbian community and history. Lesbians who only enjoy giving sexually are sometimes called stone, or stone butches. Here is an Autostraddle article with some information about the stone identity and its history. And if you're into reading novels, Stone Butch Blues is available for free download from the author, Leslie Feinberg's website.

[Jay27]

Thank you for sending that article; it helped a lot! I don’t have any lesbian friends so I don’t feel a strong sense of community.

[CaitlinEve]

Jay27,

Would you be interested in some resources for lesbians and by lesbians to help you engage with the community more?

[Jay27]

Yeah I’d like that! Just so you know, I’m sober and don’t go to bars or clubs.

[Andy]

Hi there Jay27,

I’ll let the rest of the team know about this so they can pitch in with their own ideas, but in the meantime here are a few of mine.

As for online spaces, if you are looking for a content mostly by and for queer women, this online magazine might be a great place to start (and you will find many books/movies recommendations there as well!).
https://www.autostraddle.com/
There are also many online communities for lesbians on social media like reddit or if that’s something you like to use.

If you would prefer in-person spaces, you can try looking for a LGBT+ community center in your area. There might even be events specifically for the lesbian community and you might be able to get references to other local LGBT+/lesbian spaces there. Many universities or other institution have their own queer clubs as well!

Is any of these helpful or are you looking for something else?

[KierC]

Hi Jay27!

There’s some location-specific lesbian sober meetup groups on social media platforms like Instagram and Facebook if you feel comfortable with that! Also, speaking from personal experience, I’ve noticed a lot of success with finding lesbian sober community in different cities in the US by joining intramural leagues like roller derby, frisbee, volleyball, or even attending events like queer book clubs, coffee shop events, bookstore events if physical activity isn’t an option more hobby/daytime focused activities if that makes sense?

[Jay27]

Thank you both for the advice! My college has a queer organization and there’s an lgbtq community center nearby. I haven’t been to either but I could try. I don’t think I have time to join an intramural league right now but it’s a good option for the future. Almost all of my current friends are queer but none of them are lesbians.

[KierC]

Hi Jay27,

Sometimes, within LGBTQ+ organizations at certain colleges, they may have specific lesbian-centered events as part of their programming (or if they don’t, maybe they could start some!) — does it sound doable to look into those organizations and see if they have some more sapphic-centered spaces within? Stopping into the community center and asking if they have a lesbian-focused events calendar could be helpful too!

[Jay27]

Yeah, I could check their social media to see what events they have.

[Andy]

Fingers crossed you find something you will like there!