Did it count?

[Stone]

I think I may have experienced sexual assault but I don’t know if my experience qualifies for that label and I don’t want to mislabel it.

For context (sorry it’s so long):

So I had a friend that I met at shul (we’re both Jewish) and we hit it off pretty fast.
Because shul was the only place we really saw each other I only met him 3 or 4 times during the high holidays because we don’t go weekly. During hannuka, I went to the hannuka retreat my shul was hosting and stayed there with him for the weekend, we grew closer. There was kind of a weird vibe I was getting from him though through little comments, he kept calling me “bones” because I’m kinda skinnyish I guess? And he was crushing on a girl but didn't want to confess to her and kept saying how lonely he was and (even though he KNEW that I was aroace) how he wanted to ”make out with anyone, really, even not romantically just in general.“ I’m pretty good at telling when people are trying to manipulate me and I feel like I should have gotten the red flags there but I sort of ignored them.

Fast forward to my birthday party (I was turning 13, he’s a year older)
I invited a couple of my close friends including him for a sleepover and we were all having a great time and meshing well. He (I think it was him) suggested spin the bottle, and we all agreed, though one friend opted out. We were having a good time goofing off and stuff, but as the night progressed two of my other friends got along TOO well and went in the corner to make out. We were all teasing them but didn’t care. I also kissed a couple of my closer friends (consensually just for fun and sillies). He saw the friends that paired off and got kinda whiny and jealous in a way that was meant to be ”funny“ or perhaps manipulative, I knew that was his way of asking someone to make out with him as well.


I don’t remember exactly how it happened but he kind of called me over and then we were kissing, with tongue and stuff. I didn’t particularly enjoy it at all and it was kind of awkward, I am asexual and don’t even really like kissing. At the same time one of the other pair started scratching the other’s back and he followed suit with me, reaching under the back my pajama shirt and placing me so I’m facing him on his lap. Again, I’m just kind of mildly uncomfortable but it didn’t really feel like I could just say ”go away“ and go back to my friends. He was also kissing my neck which I didn’t like, I remember kissing his just so he’d stop kissing mine. Eventually I got away from him and went to sleep.


I don’t know if it counts as SA because for one, I never said no or made obvious physical cues against it, I kinda agreed to it (though it’s true he never really asked me) And two, technically nothing sexual actually happened, we never had sex and he never touched my genitals or chest. But it felt gross and I still feel gross after. I haven’t talked to him since but he’s my rabbi’s kid so I can’t avoid him forever. He also did similar things to two of my friends at the same party and lied about one of them, saying they forced themselves on him which we later learned was the opposite of what happened.

[CaitlinEve]

Hi Stone,

I want to start by validating your feelings. This sounds like something that has made you incredibly uncomfortable and I'm so sorry that you had to experience that.

It does sound like this meets the definition of sexual assault. Although you may not have had sex or genital contact, it can still be a violation of your autonomy and still be sexual assault, even if you didn't verbally say no. A lack of no is not yes. Additionally, sexual coercion is defined as using pressure or influence to get someone to agree to sexual activity. Consent can be given and taken away; it sounds like you weren't comfortable with what was happening but it still continued, despite your misgivings. However, whether or not you would like to classify this as an assault is fully up to you and how you feel about the situation and defining it as sexual assault.

It also sounds like this is something that has happened more than once with this specific person and others. Do you have a trusted adult you can talk to about this in your life, like a parent or guardian, since this is somebody you and your friends have a shared experience with and one that is around in your community often?

As for us, how can we support you through this? Are you looking for resources, somebody to talk to, or something else? Let us know what, if anything, we can do for you!

[Sam W]

Hi Stone,

In addition to what Caitlineve said, I want to suggest that going forward, this is someone you want to avoid sharing a space with where you and he are alone or where there isn't adult supervision. He seems to use those situations as places where he tries to manipulate or otherwise get people to do physical things with him (in an ideal world, it wouldn't be on you to avoid those situations, because he wouldn't be acting this way, but with things as they are, I suspect you're going to end up feeling safer if you know you aren't in a situation where he can try this again).

[Heather]

I hope that this isn't overwhelming, response-wise, but I also want to just drop some support and care around the fact that you find yourself feeling unable to avoid this person because he's your rabbi's son. It's extra awful that your religious community isn't a safety net for you, and seems like because of this, it may even be the opposite.

Is this something you have felt able to talk to anyone else with at your shul? Ideally, your rabbi would know about this and be doing what they need to be to get their kid to both take responsibility and to stop making you and anyone else unsafe, and it seems to me they also bear some responsibility here when it comes to making sure the community they chose to take leadership with is not made unsafe by one of their kids. I'm not saying you are responsible for being the person to tell them or for telling at all if that doesn't feel right for you, but I wanted to put it out there as one option and something to think about. <3

[Stone]

Thank you so much for the support, it's very helpful to me. I haven't seen him since the incident and may not see him again if I take care to avoid him. I don't feel in danger by his hypothetical presence either, just awkward. One of my other friends confronted him over text and berated him on us three's (me and the other two I mentioned) behalf, and he responded by saying he wasn't entirely sure what he did wrong. This is a red flag to me but it's entirely possible that he didn't intentionally manipulate us per say, I couldn't tell by his messages. I'm not going to contact him again though. I don't feel comfortable telling an adult especially his dad, and I don't think it's really necessary- it's most likely not going to be a repeat thing and I'm not scared at all for my safety or well being. I may tell someone in the future though, for now I have an adequate support system in my friends.

Again, thank you for your kindness

[Latha]

Hi Stone,

It is possible that he doesn't have the ability to fully recognize how his harmful is behavior is right now. He may be so focused on his insecurities around relationships and sex that he isn't seeing (or is ignoring) the manipulative nature of his actions.

That doesn't change the fact that he hurt you and your friends. In an ideal world, someone he respects would explain to him that this is not acceptable behavior. For now, I hope that your friend's words will make him do some reflection.

I'm glad you have a good support system in your friends! I'd like to pass on a message: Heather mentioned that they know a couple notable women rabbis, and that they could connect you to them or speak to them on your behalf if you would like some advice on how to handle this with your family or your shul in the future.

[Sam W]

Hi Stone,

I'm glad we were able to offer you support, and that you still feel safe overall in your community!

One thing I do want to say is that, unfortunately,I think there's a good chance this will be a repeat behavior from him. I say that for a few reasons. One is that he already seems to have a pattern of basically trying to steer situations and interactions in a direction where he ends up able to touch, make out with, or otherwise have sexual contact with another person (heck, he did this three separate times in one night). That to me suggests someone who is, at best, self-centered enough that they're going to whine "jokingly" until someone gives them what they want, and at worst someone who's doing this very deliberately to get the kind of physical interactions they want.

The other reason I say that is because when your friend confronted him over text, his main reaction was to say he didn't know what he did wrong, rather than apologize for the fact he made three people uncomfortable (and then blamed one of them for the interaction he had with them). Again, that could genuinely be ignorance, in which case I agree with Latha and hope that your friend confronting him makes him do some serious self-reflection. But, "I didn't know it was wrong/you were uncomfortable/etc" is also a common thing people say to avoid taking responsibility for something they know wasn't okay.

None of that is to say that you have to tell someone about what happened if you're not ready or don't feel comfortable doing so; when, if, and who you choose to tell about this is entirely up to you. I just wanted to offer some context from the perspective of someone who's been doing this awhile and is familiar with the indicators that someone's boundary pushing/crossing behavior isn't a one-time thing.