A normal or abusive friendship

[mika.m]

Two years ago, I met with my new neighbour, her family was moved in and new in the neighborhood. So we became friends, I just like her because she was nice and good but in fact I like her and became her friend more because of my sexual feelings.
So in these years at her home, I try to be with them in a way that she couldn't notice my intention. She was really sexy to me because she always wore her home clothes at home and smile and laugh in a nice way.
But now I feeling guilty, I know it's not bad to feel sexual if no one gets sad but I enjoy her for two years, she hasn't noticed that and she has thought I'm her bestie and don't feel sexual about her. I don't want to make this relationship any longer until I tell her the truth but I think it makes her sad and feel bad.
it is a normal friendship or a abusive friendship? How can I tell her the truth?

[Willa]

Hi Mika.m,

This situation is not an abusive friendship, but depending on the way you communicate it, your friend may still feel negatively or objectified. One question to start is how do you want your relationship with this person to change? Would you like to interact sexually with her or is there a romantic component as well? There is nothing wrong with being attracted to people, but when we share this information we have no control over how others may react. Some may be attracted to us too, some may not share feelings but want to stay friends, and some may not feel comfortable continuing to be friends. There is no right or wrong way to feel, and it is important we respect their reaction and feelings to the information.

Does this all make sense? Another thing to consider is to practice acknowledging when we find someone attractive but knowing when it may not be appropriate to overly stare or gape- especially if the person is just relaxing at home. Taking all these factors into consideration can help you understand the best way to proceed with your feelings for your friend.

[mika.m]

Yeah that makes sense, so I don't really love her and I don't know what will be her reaction if I wanna make it sexual also I rather to be her friend.

[Sam W]

Hi Mika,

I think that would also be a helpful thing to communicate to her if you choose to talk to her about this; that is, that you like being her friend and your friendship is important to you. But I also think that if you feel like your sexual interest in her is fading or isn't that strong, it may make the most sense to just let it keep doing that, rather than bringing this to her.

[mika.m]

My sexual interest is not weak.
Is there anyway to be with her as friend and also be sexual with her sometimes, can it be a friendship at all or not? And how can I communicate with her about this issue?

[Sam W]

Ah, okay, I think I misunderstood, thank you for clarifying.

So, it is possible to have a sexual relationship with someone who's your friend. Some people may make that a more casual arrangement (that's what the term "friends with benefits" refers to), while to others having a friend they want to be sexual with translates to having a friend they want to date and be in a more monogamous, "serious" relationship with as well.

If you want to tell her how you really feel, I would go the route of being straightforward and honest, and explaining your feelings. Then give her time to process that and react to it. It may be that she shares them, or she's interested in you in the same way, or it may be that she doesn't feel the same way. So what you don't want to do is go straight from telling her your feelings to trying to initiate a sexual relationship with her.

That being said, if you two have been friends for two years and your main motivation for becoming and staying friends with her, that's unlikely to be received super well, regardless of how she feels otherwise, because there's a good chance she'll feel like you were only her friend because you wanted to have sex with her. So I would make sure you're prepared for that reaction.