I’m not sure if i’m bisexual, but i’m already hating it.

[PomPom]

it’s horrible, i’m 16,i’m a girl, i’m probably bisexual but i’m not happy with that. i mean i don’t know, i feel like there’s something homosexual in me, but heterosexual too. i wanna try something with girl, but when then i start to think too much about if’s and but’s, “to be or not to be” stuff, and in the end i don’t want anything at all. i think i felt something to girls, but to boys too. honestly, i think i find male’s gynetalia more aesthetic. but idk. i often notice a pretty girls, and a pretty boys but it hit me in a different way. like, when i see a pretty girl sometimes i feel how my heart skips a beat, and then everything goes back to normal, and when i see a pretty boy i feel some butterflies in my stomach. i like attention from both sexes. and maybe i’m a heterosexual in the end, i don’t know. but when one girl put her hand on my thigh i felt a little bit of nervous. a little bit of flutter in my abdomen, i guess? i don’t think that if my friend do that i will feel the same way. but i’m not sure, what if i felt this way because the thighs are the sensitive part of the body? i’ve been told that”there’s some different types of heterosexual people, so it doesn’t mean much” and i heard that straight girls can stare at woman’s boobs too, soo… i don’t know, the more i think and talk about it the more exhausting it becomes and the thought of “don’t give a shit and date boys” becomes more appealing. even if i make a mistake, it won’t be so sad to fell in love with a girl while being in relationship with boy, but if i fell in love with a boy while being in relationship with a woman…bro i would off myself out of shame, for real. i feel i need to talk about it with a person who felt the same way, because people around me might be queers but their experience is different, and they didn’t have that difficulty with figuring everything out.

[Heather]

I'm sorry that this is feeling so daunting for you!

My best advice is to stop trying. In other words, you don't need a word for something that you don't feel yet fully able to describe, especially something like this where it's not like it's required for anything. You can also stop thinking about who you might want to be sexual with or find attractive in hypotheticals, or who you might or might not have feelings with while with someone else.

Instead, how about if you just pay attention to people -- whatever their gender -- that you actually have some interest in pursuing those kinds of feelings with and then just see how you feel about this over the next few years or more as you actually interact with people in this way? Trying to figure this all out when none of it is actual for you -- when you aren't actually having those interactions or relationships -- is a lot harder than basing what you call yourself on what your lived experience has been, and again, it also just isn't necessary. We don't usually need to know if we're queer or not, bi, straight, gay, whatever, when it comes to pursuing people or feelings: we just need to know if those feelings and that person are a place of curiosity and interest for us and then see where we and/or we and the other person want to take it. Do you get what I am saying?

If not, let's try this: claiming an orientation in a big way when so much or even all of this is hypothetical is much much harder than just seeing what your lived experience winds up being and then naming that when and if you want based on that.

[PomPom]

yes, i know, i thought about it too. i even started talking with girl, and we aren’t exactly friends. we haven’t kissed yet, but on our last walk we were very touchy, she put her hand on my thighs and it actually felt nice. before i started overthinking i wanted to take it further, go out on a date and see how it will go. then i accidentally met a boy from my summer camp, and i remember that i kinda had a small crush on him. i was like “hm yeah i’m bi” then we started talking about it with that girl (stupid me, why did i even bring up that topic again) and i stated overthinking, to the point where my chest felt physically heavy. at these moments i honestly wanna slam my head against the wall - it’s too much. then i thought that i’m straight again. and this night i had a dream where a boy was hugging me, so it’s kinda like a sign idk. now i wish i didn’t start all this stuff with that girl, because i’ll probably hurt her in the end, idk. maybe i’m a heterosexual after all.

[Sam W]

Hi PomPom,

I want to link something Heather talked about above to something I mentioned in a previous conversation you had here on the boards. That is, how about taking the question of what your orientation might be completely out of the equation and focusing instead on if and how you want to proceed with the girl you've been seeing (it sounds like the guy is someone you have a crush on but aren't in contact with, but please correct me if I'm wrong about that)? Because, as Heather pointed out, when it comes to a specific relationship, how we describe our sexual orientation matters way, way less then how we feel about and what we want to do about that specific relationship.

Too, a thread I'm noticing in our conversations here is that these worries about what term to use for your sexual orientation seem closely tied to the worries that you'd end up hurting a partner in the long run. Do you feel like if you're "wrong" about your sexual orientation, that will lead you to hurting a partners feelings?

[PomPom]

yeah we are not in touch to that boy. if we discuss my possible bisexuality, to maybe yeah, i feel like i’m cheating on someone, fooling someone or even myself. generally, i think i’m a bad person inside, with or without my sexuality. and i have a problem with understanding my feelings and i’m really afraid that i’m doing something wrong. this whole thing makes my life uneasy sometimes, i’m overthinking this stuff too much. i’m tired of it, i don’t know how to help myself, because “distractions” don’t work for too long, and i’m going back to this stuff.

[Sam W]

Hi PomPom,

In a previous post, you mentioned you've been seeing a psychologist who suggested you might have a depression diagnosis. If you're still seeing that person, I think it's time to have a more in-depth talk about that diagnosis and what steps you can take to manage it. I say that because what you're describing here, and what you've said in past posts, is an overwhelming feeling that you're a bad person. That, combined with some of the symptoms you mention in a previous post, really do suggest that there's an underlying mood disorder that needs more concerted addressing.

Would it be helpful to talk about how to have this conversation with a psychologist? Or, if you're not seeing her anymore, how to get your mental healthcare re-started so you can get the support you deserve?

[PomPom]

oh. well, i was thinking about it too, but i’m not sure if i’ll be able to go back to therapy, but i’ll text her. and yes, if you can give me some advice on how to talk about it with her, please do. i’ve always wanted to have this talk with her, but idk, it didn’t happen because i was thinking about other things, that don’t matter anymore to me

[Sam W]

Okay! So, if this is the same therapist who initially brought up the idea that you might be dealing with depression, I would say something like "you mentioned you think I might have depression, can we talk more about that, and can we focus our sessions on how I could learn to manage it?"

If this ends up being a new therapist, I think there's a chance depression might come up organically as they do intake with you and you describe your symptoms. But if it doesn't, they'll likely ask you why you're seeking therapy, and that gives you a chance to say something like "I've been struggling with things like a consistently low mood, constant negative self-talk, and feeling tired all the time. A previous therapist suggested I might have depression, and I think that might be the case and I'm looking for help around it."

I do want to say that if you reach out to that previous therapist and she's not able to work with you, you can ask her if she's able to refer you to someone else.

How does all that sound?

[PomPom]

yeah it’s sounds nice, i texted her, but since we started family therapy she said that we need to have two family sessions, then a break, and then we might have one-on-one talk. she won’t be able to refer me to someone else, at least for free. guess all i can do know is wait, personally, i don’t think my situation is this bad now, most of the time i feel okay, and the feeling of “me being a bad person” is like, idk, someone once said that “you’re just a rot who always manipulates people and pretends to be a nice and thoughtful person”. it’s rude and all this stuff, but in some way i think about myself like that, and i was thinking about it before he said that too. but i try to convince myself that i’m not a bad person, because i don’t do anything bad. i feel better myself in these past months, i guess, idk. it’s funny how all this conversation got there, haha. but thank you

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

Did she happen to say why any of the services she could refer you to for individual therapy were not free like she is? Or is there something specific about her that allows her not to charge for clients? Regardless, if she ends up not being able to refer you to someone free or low cost, or is unable to do one on one sessions herself (which would be a bit odd because generally when doing family therapy you want to talk with each person one on one as well as in a group), we might be able to help you locate another therapist.

I'm so sorry that person said that to you! Is that someone you speak to often? And do other people in your life also talk about you like you're a bad person?

[PomPom]

well, in my city we have a few places where you can get a free therapy, but it’s only a few sessions, it’s like “quick help”. that person was my friend, he said it in our fight, but then he apologized and we tried to build our friendship again. it became better, he became better, but i started feeling annoyance towards him. it’s just sad that i had to hear so much horrible things, working on our friendship, and when he stopped being toxic, i have to be thankful that he’s changing. i am, but i don’t know. currently we don’t talk, because he got offended because i’m often canceling our plans because i have exams. i kinda wanna be friends with him again, but i’m not sure.

[Sam W]

Got it. I do think it's worth looking into the other resources she could refer you to, including other therapists, to see if some have a sliding scale or are otherwise affordable; when we're dealing with something like depression, it's common to have periods of time where it doesn't feel as severe or persistent, only for our symptoms to come back later. And it's often kinder to ourselves to have supports like therapy in place before that happens, so we're not trying to get them in place while also dealing with a low mood and now energy or motivation to do things.

With your friend, if this is someone who has a history of being mean to you and is currently mad that you have to prioritize school, then this might be a friendship to take a break from, at least for a little while.