20, unable to figure myself out.

[J23]

Hello all, I guess per the title Im 20 (he/him) and I feel unsure and never solid in anything ever in my life but as someone who is also on the spectrum I feel a great deal of comfort when I am able to make something solid. My sexuality has been bothering me since forever but it is something that I get upset over because I don't know anything about myself on that side but I know myself and my body very well everywhere else. I have not ever been in a serious relationship although I have been on a handful of "dates" in my teenage years. I think I have some disconnect. Romantically I never imagined myself with a man (I identify as one if that gives more context) but I am slowly warming up to the idea of it. But I have always imagined myself with a woman but I can't tell if that is comp-het or like insecurity or not and I genuinely like them. I don't necessarily find myself sexually attracted to most women but sometimes I think maybe a girl is attractive. I've liked girls irl but only from a romantic angle. I know I do like men or I guess masculine people a lot more sexually but I've never pictured myself with one in any other way (boyfriend or romantic type stuff). I know I don't want to be "gay" and have been uncomfortable about it for a long time and that's why I wonder if I just can't imagine myself with a guy. But also even if I am mindful of that I am still unsure. In terms of the actual activity of physical sex, I've only done it with guys but I never enjoyed it or felt turned on by it but I think that is because they were a handful of hookups/one night stands and I just don't find myself attracted to strangers like that. I guess my questions here are 1.) is it normal to feel this disconnect? 2.) is there a way to label this? 3.) is there anything I can do to make myself feel better about it? (Im 20 now and have known I liked guys since at least 15 so I've been very unsuccessful haha) 4.) this is slightly unrelated-ish but is 20 an okay age to start dating? Not that I would actively "try" but I don't know because my friends have all had relationships but I guess Im not sure if Im mature enough since I am asking these questions lol. Sorry for yapping, thank you if you read this far!

[Latha]

Hi there, J23- welcome to the boards!

Let's start with your first question: Plenty of people feel this kind of disconnect or feel unsure about their sexuality. We get so many questions with these sentiments- it is not abnormal at all. I understand why you want to feel sure about this, but learning about yourself is a lifelong process for everyone. Not having all the answers right now doesn't have to be a bad thing.

There is a label for this that you might consider: Questioning. It means you're in the process of figuring out who you're attracted to, but that you don't have an answer at the current time. We have an article on Questioning, and a whole series that discusses the experiences of questioning people that you might like to read.

• Q is for Questioning

• The Answers (for Now)

Does this term seem useful to you?

You say that you don't know anything about yourself on the side of your sexuality, but that doesn't seem true to me- you've talked about some things that you do know right here:

• You haven't felt much attraction to strangers, and so you've never really enjoyed hookups or one night stands. (This is a good sign that they are not right for you.)

• You've felt some kind of attraction to both women and men.

For what it's worth, I think this is a pretty good start.

Asking these questions does not mean you're not mature enough to explore dating and relationships. You don't need to have definite answers to all of your questions to do that. What you do want is to be in touch with your needs and boundaries, and to have the ability to communicate about them. If you want, we can help you figure out what your boundaries are.

On that note, 20 is absolutely an okay age to start dating. It would be okay if you were much older too, because it is never too late. If you want, we have some resources on navigating sex and relationships in your twenties, and on doing so when you're autistic that we can provide.

I have one last question:

I know I don't want to be "gay" and have been uncomfortable about it for a long time and that's why I wonder if I just can't imagine myself with a guy.

Of course, you don't have to be gay, but would you tell us a little more about your thinking here?

[J23]

Thank you for responding so thoroughly.
I have nothing against being gay and logically it makes sense and I always believed everyone was given the right to love whomever because it isn't a choice. But it just is more of a deeper personal issue for me because my upbringing was very "traditional" and I sometimes feel insecure with my masculinity (sports, clothes, behavior etc) and I know being gay does not equate to that logically, but emotionally I still feel like I have been unable to get over that hurdle. The other thing is I just don't know if "gay" is the most accurate term for me because I might be happy with a girl or someone other. But I don't know if I genuinely am being honest with myself or if I'm just falling victim to the insecurities and stuff if that makes sense? I have had friends in the past that were gay or queer in some capacity and they seemed very comfortable in themselves, which is kind of what I imagine that to be. Whereas I am the most uncomfortable and the opposite. Sometimes I don't know if my level of discomfort is based in any legitimacy. But I don't tell people and I do a lot of masculine things and it probably wouldn't be the greatest place to discuss these topics anyways even if I were at peace with myself and it. I just am not sure how to get over it seeing as I have been trying to for several years.

[KierC]

Hey there J23,

It sounds like you’re having more thoughts and questions about how you move through the world and what your identity is, but also where this comes from, and I hear you that it’s been a bit anxiety-inducing too. First, I want to reassure you that your feelings about your identity, your masculinity, your sexuality, are all completely legitimate. You’re not alone in discovering your identity amongst the interweaving threads of family, friends, culture, religion, and compulsory heterosexuality. And, truly, nobody navigates this like an expert — we’re all learning how to deal with multiple social influences and figure out how to reconcile outside influences with how we feel on the inside.

If I’m understanding you correctly, it sounds like influences from your upbringing, as well as more cultural influences, are keeping some unhelpful frameworks in your mind — namely the ideas that you must either be gay or straight, and the idea that masculinity looks a certain way. Calling out these broken frameworks is a really important first step, so you’re doing great already to try to dismantle some of these ideas.

It sounds, too, like you know that these frameworks are unhelpful, but it’s hard to move on from. I’ll say, especially with issues around masculinity, ideas about gender identity and sexual identity can often get intermingled, and that can cause an extra layer of stress just to separate the two, so perhaps another good step to take might be learning more about the separation of the two (we have lovely readings on this, if you’d like. I also have some outside readings on masculinity and comphet if that helps!) Too, in moments when you’re feeling particularly overwhelmed by these things, it’s okay to take a step back and come back to it when it feels less heavy.

Undoing the shame, fear, or uncomfortableness with sexual and gender identity is not a one-step process, unfortunately, but the good thing is that we have resources for this!

1. A resource with steps on undoing sexual shame (sounds like you are on step 2!) Undoing Sexual Shame

2. An article on all things orientation: Rainbow Connection: Orientation for Everyone

How does all of that sound?