Relationship

[Sam W]

It's totally okay to have lots of questions!

What I hear you describing here sounds more like curiosity than something that's a problem. You're in the midst of realizing some things about your sexuality, and part of that often involves imagining ourselves in those different relationship scenarios and seeing how they feel. Too, I think most of us idly play "what if" in our minds about a lot of things that we don't really have any interest in changing in our actual lives.

Now, if you were engaging in these fantasies or thoughts to the point that you preferred being in them to interacting with your partner, that could be an issue. As could realizing that part of the appeal of these imaginary relationships is that there are a ton of things that are important to you that you're imagining in them because they're missing from your actual relationship. But it doesn't sound like either of those is the case.

[Skybushh]

I realize this an open ended question. But what do you do when you feel like a toxic partner?

[Sam W]

My suggestion would be to start by basically checking that feeling against the evidence, such as reading up on what the signs of a toxic partner generally are and then checking them against your own behavior. This is especially important if you're someone who deals with anxiety or related issues, which can often make us feel like we're doing something wrong or that we're a "bad" person in spite of there being no evidence to support that.

Going along with that, I would do that reading about toxic or abusive traits on reliable resources, like the "does this sound like you" section of this article. What I'd avoid is spaces like social media (especially TikTok) where there are a lot of people talking like experts who actually have little to no idea what they're talking about; messages about sex and dating on social media can sometimes get so reduced for clickbait that they end up losing their nuance and convincing people that a totally okay behavior is a bad one.

I would also ask yourself where that feeling that you might be a toxic partner is coming from. Is it coming from you, possibly as a thing your anxiety has latched onto? Or is it coming from someone, like your partner or a friend, whose observed your behavior and is worried about it?

[Skybushh]

I’m pretty sure it comes from me. I made a lot of mistakes in the past and wasn’t really a great partner. I’ve been able to learn from everything, and I’m getting a lot better. but it took me a long time. And I can’t stop thinking about everything I did wrong. or everything I might have done that I didn’t even know about. it just makes me wonder sometimes if I deserve anything at all. Even though I have changed. I never meant anyone any harm, but that doesn’t change things. I’ve spent our entire relationship trying to tell myself it doesn’t define me. That as long as I keep getting better, which I am, I’m a good person. That I deserve to be with my partner. but it really, really gets to me sometimes. I think that maybe I actively look for reasons I don’t deserve to be in the relationship because in my mind I don’t. I’ve already ruined it. and I can’t guarantee that, because I genuinely work on myself and for the relationship. So I clearly still believe enough in myself to stay and try to make things better. maybe I’m just scared of myself. Since I know what I’m capable of.

[Andy]

Hi Skybushhh,

I think it’s really important to keep in mind the the observation that this is coming from your own worries and potentially anxiety rather than from what other people are actually thinking. Because if we are doing something wrong that affects other people they usually let us know about that somehow. I know how so darn hard it can be to live with the feeling that you might not be a good partner because when you then don’t trust your own judgment on it, it makes it so very hard to believe the evidence against that and break out of the cycle.

But I would like to try help with that by challenging the idea that it doesn't matter if you meant anyone any harm or not. Because as I see it it matters quite a lot in relation to your current situation. If you didn’t want to hurt anyone that the reason for your mistakes was not knowing you were making them and now that you have changed and learned from them (and with your level of self-awareness I’m sure you did), they won’t happen again. Just like for example you wouldn’t be mad at a small kid for drawing on the walls two years after it happened because you know they didn’t know they were doing something wrong and will eventually learn not to do that anymore. Can you see what I’m trying to get at with this?

Also, you seem to have a lot of anxiety and worries about your current relationship in general and for quite some time now, which I suppose must be exhausting. So I would like to ask if you have ever experiences similar worries/feelings about not being a good partner/friend/something else in your other past or current relationships?

[Skybushh]

I do understand what you’re saying. and I’m trying to accept it for myself. And yes, I’ve always had a fear of being a bad person. pretty much as long as I can remember. I’ve also had this fear that I’m not enough for a long time. And I have a feeling it gets triggered a little more than it actually should. I think a lot of my anxiety probably comes from my own insecurities than anything else.

[Sam W]

That sounds like a really hard combination of emotions to be struggling under. I do think this ultimately brings us back to you using therapy to address those big, negative feelings about yourself. Have your sessions been going okay?

[Skybushh]

My sessions have been going well. I think I can definitely find a way to better utilize them though. I’ve always had this desire to solve my problems by myself which I realize can be detrimental. So I’ll work on that. I realized recently that I might be trying to change my partner. Not who they are as a person, but how they are in our relationship. And I realize that’s not healthy for either of us. so I, want to figure out how I can quit doing that.

[Sam W]

I'm glad therapy is going well, and that you're realizing it's okay to have some help when you're struggling with various issues!

When you say you want to change how your partner is in your relationship, do you mean you want to change a particular dynamic between the two of you?

[Skybushh]

I’m not sure. I think that might be it? I’ve been trying to think about it but it’s all kind of new. There’s definitely some things that I wish were a bit different. But I realize that has nothing to do with my partner like I thought it did.

[Sam W]

What things do you wish were different?

[Skybushh]

I feel kinda bad saying this but. I guess I kinda wish we had more quality time together and. showed each other more affection. I feel we have it when we’re together, in person. But when we’re apart, or especially with the long distance things seem different.

[Latha]

Hi Skybushh,

You know, I think this is something that you could speak to your partner about. You could tell her about how you're feeling, and brainstorm ways to show more affection and spend quality time together. Discussing this doesn't mean you don't appreciate your partner or that you want to change them. It just means that you are communicating about your needs.

[Skybushh]

We’ve had discussions about this in the past. And I’m trying to find a time to talk about us now. We, haven’t been able to settle anything yet however. I haven’t done a good enough job of making my partner feel comfortable talking to me about things. I’ve found that my partner is still affected by things that happened in the past during our relationship. And I haven’t responded properly to their experience and asks. So I have to try and work on that.

[Sofi]

It sounds like you're very self aware and also aware of your partner's feelings, which is great because you can have a plan of action based on that. I will say, it's not worth it to carry guilt from past mistakes, it makes it harder to actually move forward and "do better". So if you are, try giving yourself more grace, and keep creating a safe space for your partner to talk to you about their feelings and any issues.

[Skybushh]

I want to create a safe place for my partner and I want to improve our relationship. But I’ve found as of late that I’m doing even worse than usual. My anxiety’s been more intense, I’m not really caring for myself very well. I know these are probably my problems and I want to fix them but I. can’t stop thinking about us. I’m really struggling right now between figuring out if there are real problems that are affecting me or if I have relationship anxiety that’s making everything so difficult.

[Latha]

Hi Skybushh,

I hear that this relationship means a lot to you, and that you really want to be a supportive partner and take responsibility for creating positive changes in your life. But you can take responsibility while also being kind to yourself and accepting support from other people. I want to echo what Sofi said: carrying guilt and being hard on yourself can make it more difficult for you to move forward.

Try to notice when you're being harsh with yourself, and notice changes you want to make without judging yourself for struggling.

[Skybushh]

I will work on that. I agree it’s something I need to learn on. I think I figured out that I don’t really feel like any of my needs are met in this relationship and that’s why I’m struggling to give my partner there’s. It feels like everytime I try to stand up for myself I end up making everything worse. I’m having a really hard time deciding if I want to accept my partner for who they are, and I mean all parts of them. And try to stay in this relationship with that mindset. Or if I need to, break it off. Because I really like the first option, but I’m afraid I won’t have the energy or the capacity to make it work.

[Skybushh]

I think I figured out what I’m going to do. I have a lot to learn of course, I find it quite enjoyable however. I realize that if I come from a place of wanting to understand my partner, wanting to accept and love them. Things start to make a whole lot more sense, and they start to feel better too. Relationships have their rough patches and, well I’m far from perfect myself but. If talking here has taught me anything I’m not a bad person and guilt will only hinder me. I have all the right intentions, and I’m doing my best with what I know right now. I, still have to learn that I can be enough but. I’m willing to put in the work for people who love and care for me. Such as my partner. Thank you, for all the responses. I’ll try and take away as much as I can but they’ve already helped a good deal.

[OrionRay]

Hey Skybushh,
It's okay to be curious about other relationships while in your own. A lot of people in committed, monogamous relationships wonder about "what ifs" on occasion. What's important in this situation is open communication with your partner, and honesty with yourself. If you're content in this relationship and are just wondering about hypotheticals, that's completely normal. If you're discontent and want to experiment romantically, that is a conversation you should have with your partner.

[Skybushh]

If my partner doesn’t like when I think that way about anyone else, which is completely valid. Should I not have any of those thoughts or fantasies? I feel extremely bad when I do. and especially when I want to have them. I think I’m just curious to explore my sexuality as it’s always been something I’ve been ashamed of but. She doesn’t like it and I’ve apologized for thinking that way many times so I feel like there’s been an agreement I shouldn’t have them. Even though I don’t quite find that, fair.

[Sam W]

Hi Skybushh,

To be frank, if a partner is telling us what we are or are not allowed to think about, including our fantasies, that's actually a red flag to me. We can certainly ask our partners to treat us with respect, or work with them to build relationship dynamics that are healthy and work for both of us, but we don't actually get to tell a partner what they're "allowed" to do in the privacy of their own head. People get to be curious, get to imagine things in their heads they'd never do (or literally can't do), get to have that space where they can move ideas around however they want. Trying to control that is both futile (since we can't control how someone else thinks) and over the line in terms of how much we want to control a partner.

To give you an example, I have been with my partner for 15-ish years. We're monogamous, because that's what works for us. And it would be ridiculous for either of us to insist the other person never have sexual thoughts of fantasies that don't involve us. Yes, we agreed to be each others only partner in the real world, but our fantasies aren't the real world. What we explore in them is up to us, and when/if we decide to share it with a partner is up to us.

[Skybushh]

They’ve never told me that I’m not allowed to. That’s my fault for making it sound like they were trying to control me. Just that they want it to be about them. I think it’s just that I’ve made a lot of mistakes and I, hate hurting people. I usually worry a lot about if what I’m doing is okay or not because I don’t want to, make more mistakes and hurt people again. Especially not my partner. So when she expresses a preference I, want to follow it. I also, constantly worry that I’m a cheater. Even though, I haven’t cheated. So maybe that’s part of it. I just don’t want to repeat any of the mistakes I made in the past. And I guess I’m wondering if this counts as anything bad. Or maybe my worry just shows I, mean to do better. I think I made the rule from the information I got because I wanted to try and completely avoid anything that could hurt someone again. but I guess all I’m looking for is reassurance that I can maybe explore, in my head, and still be a loyal partner.

[Sam W]

So, that's functionally doing the same thing; she's asking you to follow her rules for what you fantasize about, rather than understanding and being okay with the fact that she can't, and shouldn't, control what you fantasize about.

It's incredibly kind and respectful to want to follow a partners preference. But part of learning to be in relationships is learning how to sort reasonable preferences from unreasonable ones.

For example, let's say I tell my partner I don't want him to ever think I'm annoying or frustrating. I can certainly have that preference--maybe I even have some deep reasons why I do--but asking that of him is both a)asking the impossible and b)unfair. It's impossible because the fact that we're around each other so much means that inevitably there will be moments when I do something annoying or frustrating. And it's unfair because I'm asking him to police his thoughts for the sake of my comfort. Do you kind of see what I'm getting at there.

[Skybushh]

I think I do yes. I don’t want to sound like I’m blaming my partner though that’s not intended. I’ve given her reasons not to trust me, not that I’ve cheated. But I’ve made her feel insecure about this topic in the past. And I have no intention of ever doing so again, I still feel completely awful that I did. So I, really worry.