Relationship

[Willa]

Hi Skybushh,

It can be really difficult to think of the ways our partners may not be treating us well, especially when we have so much love for them. Talking about the ways our partners are hurting us does not mean they are bad people or that we do not have any faults of our own.

People will inevitably make mistakes in relationships, but as you said it's crucial to take active steps to reckon with the mistakes and be better from them. Instead, it is because we have so much love for them that we want to identify these problems and talk about ways to move forward and make the relationship stronger. If people are not open to this then it may be a sign that they are not the best partner for us. This can be so hard to deal with, but one responsibility in relationships is not just respecting your partner's boundaries but respecting your own as well. Does that all make sense?

[Skybushh]

It does make sense. I’ll think about it. I don’t, like expressing when I might have a problem. It, feels a lot easier to just drop things than. Fight about it. So, it might be hard. I decided a little while back that I’d accept my partner for everything. They do treat me well. If there ever is a problem I much prefer to, take it on myself. It’s easier that way.

[Willa]

Hi Skybushh,

It is really difficult to advocate for yourself and express problems that arise, I definitely get that. However, it seems this situation is causing you a lot of anxiety and strife which is something to consider. You do not have to do anything before you feel ready, but it is important that you feel safe, respected, and comfortable in your relationship. Were you able to take a look at the source linked to you earlier in the thread, "How to Clash with Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics"?

[Skybushh]

I remember looking at it when it was sent. I’d have to reread it to remember. I’ll give it a try. If not for me than for the both of us. It does seem that the way I go about trying to, resolve things could be improved. I probably do more harm than good when I don’t say anything.

[Skybushh]

I think it’s also that, even if I do understand how to approach conflict. I, struggle with finding out what’s actually needing to be talked about. I realize that I have a feeling I need to speak about something but I have no idea what it’s about. I can’t believe I’m about to say this but. I think I might be afraid to. do anything.

[Latha]

Hi Skybushh,

So, something feels wrong or off, but you can't put your finger on what it is so you can talk about it... If I may ask, have you noticed this feeling during specific activities, or at specific times?

[Skybushh]

Not really. It kind of just shows up. I usually don’t feel like I deserve to be with her. Like I’ve done something wrong, that I’m keeping things from her. Sometimes I feel like she’ll learn who I really am and leave me. So I assume that’s where the feeling is from. I never feel like I deserve what we have but I still put everything into it. Maybe if I learn how to be satisfied with myself it won’t be present anymore. The only other thing I can think of is that it’s, fear. Specifically because I know myself and when I love someone I have a tendency to put them first. Not that it’s a bad thing and people aren’t treating me poorly. But I can sometimes, ignore myself.

[Sam W]

Hi Skybushh,

I will say that some of this sounds like it's looping back to the issues you've been trying to work on in therapy (that nebulous feeling that if people knew who we "really" were deep down they'd leave us is often a symptom of things like anxiety or depression), so I do think some of navigating conflict and learning how to be satisfied with yourself will arise as you continue to do that.

Too, learning how to navigate conflict with partners, or times when what we and a partner want is out of sync or not compatible, is a skill we can--and usually have to--learn. It's not something we just instantly know how to do when we enter a relationship. So, as much as you can, try to be patient with yourself as you're figuring all this out.

I do also want to say that sometimes, even if both people are happy in a relationship in some ways, they may both have things they need to work on that mean being in that relationship isn't the soundest choice overall. The reason I say that is that given a lot of the fears you have about yourself or how you might harm a partner, or that feeling that you need to just accept everything about your partner rather than raise a conflict, I'm not sure how sustainable it is for you to be in a relationship with someone who clearly has a LOT of insecurity she's dealing with right now. That very much seems like it's been setting up a dynamic where you feel like you're doing something wrong (or are one false move away from doing so) and she still feels insecure, which is one of those dynamics that just leaves both sides unhappy in the long run.

[Skybushh]

I just realized that I’ve misunderstood everything this whole time. I’ve been making my partner look like the problem the whole time when it’s been me. They never had a problem with me finding other people attractive, just when I talked about it. At the beginning of our relationship I was even more insecure and self-loathing than I am now. I wasn’t ready for a relationship and I’ve hurt my partner repeatedly because of it. I used to talk about how I didn’t know how I felt about her. I don’t do that anymore, I know exactly how much I love her. I’ve been thinking that she had a problem with me ever finding other people attractive when she didn’t. She was just incredibly hurt when I mentioned it. Which I did because I thought that whenever I did I was cheating on her, and I thought she needed to know so she could decided whether or not to leave me. So it was never her fault. It was my insecurity that bled into our relationship and damaged her self-worth. Because the person she loves has repeatedly thrown their insecurities on to her. I’ve been the problem this whole time.

[Skybushh]

I put these expectations on myself. Because I always thought something was wrong with me if I ever found anyone else attractive. Which is incredibly unrealistic. I. Just feel so incredibly awful for making my partner sound like she was the problem this whole time. Even if I didn’t fully understand until now. I’ve made her the villain when she never was. In all these posts, I made my partner into the problem. When I go back through our messages to the very beginning she always supported me, she never actually told me not to. I must’ve somehow convinced myself she was telling me I can’t be attracted to other people. Because I saw how much pain she was in when I mentioned it, and told myself that the solution was to never find anyone else attractive. I made her into the problem so that I didn’t have to look at myself. And now I’ve gone and let everyone else believe that lie too.

[Sam W]

Hi Skybushh,

So, it sounds like you now know that how your interpretation of the situation arose has to do with your own feelings about yourself, and with a thought process that landed you at a more extreme conclusion about what you needed to do than what your partner actually asked of you. That can be a really hard thing to realize, and can often only serve to make us feel down on ourselves. But it's also one of those things that happens to more or less everyone; we take some information we've gotten, add in our emotional reaction to it, and draw conclusions about what to do next that, in retrospect, turn out to have been not the way to go.

What might be helpful is to look at what you could learn from this situation. That could include it being an example to bring to therapy. But I think seeing it as something you can learn from is both going to help you work out how to move forward and help you keep this from being another thing you use to beat yourself up with. Does that make sense?

[Skybushh]

I’ve been thinking about it, and it was never once my intention to make my partner look bad. So, I realize that conclusion was an overreaction. I definitely took some information and altered it in my head which I realize is completely on me. I take the responsibility for that and I apologize for any time I wasted. I’m going to do my very best not to beat myself up for this, I know it’s only going to make things worse. And I can definitely learn from it. Not to assume things. I guess my question is. What do I do to remedy it? Should I tell my partner, this is public after all.

[Sam W]

If it helps, you certainly don't need to apologize to us for taking time here; we're here to support our users, and that includes talking through things where there might be confusion, misunderstanding, and so forth.

I would advise against telling your partner about this, if only because that's unlikely to lead to any positive resolution or progress. I think the chances are very good that they'd be hurt, and you'd end up feeling guilty without it then being something you could build positively from. Especially because the way forward has more to do with you learning how to manage things like guilt or anxiety, rather than something you and a partner can collaborate on

[Skybushh]

Thank you. Do you, think it would be helpful to have a conversation with my partner about what the boundaries actually are? Because I realize from all of this that I’m not actually sure. Not to bring this up but to, understand the situation. Or should I just not mention it since it’s only regarding thoughts and nothing actual. None of the posts were a lie, and the misunderstanding was an honest mistake. I realize I wasn’t ever trying to make my partner look bad or like they were the “problem”. I was just confused. All she did was say that she liked when they were about her. I confused her reaction to them with whether or not I was allowed. I do realize that I should’ve asked my partner more about this. The lesson to take away is that I need to learn ways to better handle my anxiety.

[Sam W]

Hi Skybushh,

I do think boundary check-ins are a good thing to do, especially if you're feeling unsure about where a specific boundary is. A caveat to that is that you'll want that conversation to be about behavior and actions one of you might take, rather than on the fantasy element of this situation. Trying to clarify what your partner is or isn't comfortable with you fantasizing about isn't something you need to do, because that isn't an action that actually effects them.

[Skybushh]

I understand now. I thought it was something that did. We’ve set boundaries around actions I know those well, I guess I falsely assumed they extended to thought as well.

[Sam W]

I'm glad I was able to bring some clarity to that! And yes, like we were talking about earlier in the thread, boundaries in relationships are about things like how we and a partner treat each other, or the structure of the relationship, rather than about what goes on in our own minds.

[Skybushh]

I understand now. Thank you for the help. Feel a little bad that I misunderstood that but I’ll try and view it as a lesson.