i keep giving my number to guys but I'm a lesbian - help!

[raine]

Hello, I keep getting myself into the worst situations because I don't know how to say no. so I am a lesbian and a few times guys ask me for my number while im at work and I've only managed to say no once. other times I just can't say no and I give it to them. I just think about how they must be nervous and I don't want to make it worse and make them feel bad or embarrassed or whatever. so last week a guy asked for my number and I gave it to him because he looked really sweet and idk....all the things I said before. I thought he would make a great friend, but it's pretty obvious he doesn't want to be friends. we've been texting recently and it's too far gone for me to flip on him now and I don't want to. I don't know what to do because I'm not into guys but he's so nice and I feel bad! I need to never do this again. please help. I know it's better to say no the first time than do whatever I'm doing but for some reason I can't. Thank you in advance. <3

[KierC]

Hi there Raine!

I’m sorry to hear it’s been hard to say no in these situations. I know you want to be kind to people, but it’s not unkind at all to just tell someone that you aren’t interested — your phone number is private, and should only be shared when you want to.

A bigger thing I might add, too, is that your comfort and boundaries matter way more here than the feelings of these guys. They may feel any certain way in the moment, but any feelings they have about you saying no truly doesn’t matter in light of your comfort and boundaries. In other words, your comfort should come first here, not the guys asking for your number. How does that sound?

I think if you look at someone gently and tell them that you don’t give out your number much, any reasonable person *should* gladly accept that. Would it help to have a consistent phrase you can use to say no? Too, do you feel like it’s hard to say no in other areas as well?

One last thought: Do you feel like you’d have backup at work if you were to say no and they get rude? It might help to let someone know, so you have someone trusted looking out for you too.

[raine]

Thank you so much, those are all good ideas. I do think it would really help to think of something to say when people ask. I'll have to figure out something that works for me.

Yes I do find it hard to say no about other things too if its someone I care about. I can and have said no for more serious things people ask from me though, like physical things, so that's less of an issue, which is good.

Also people would be able to help me at work if I needed it but I do find it kind of embarrassing and I don't want people to know about it when guys come up to me....I feel bad about it for some reason, I don't know why. Saying no wouldn't get far enough to cause a safety issue at work though I'm sure of that. Thank you again for helping me!

[KierC]

Hi Raine,

Absolutely! We can be a sounding board here, too, if you want to practice ways of saying no. I’m glad to hear, though, that you feel like you could say no without it escalating.

Would you like to talk more about why you feel bad asking for help? Too, if I can reassure you at all, there is nothing shameful or wrong about asking for help when someone is making you uncomfortable at work. I’ve been a server in restaurants and bars for a bit, and there’s been so many times where guys made me feel uncomfortable at work, including trying to add me on social media/get my number — but you’d be surprised how much your coworkers may really care about your safety and comfort if you let them know. Asking for help won’t change how they view you as a person or as a worker, in fact I think it’s really respectable and admirable to assert your boundaries at work.

[raine]

Thank you. I don't know why I feel bad, maybe it's because I think it's my fault? And also it just makes me feel embarrassed, I don't know. I appreciate your thoughts about this a lot. I think it will be okay if I know something to say to people asking.

Another question, I was wondering if you had any suggestions on what I should say to the guy I talked about in my first post who I gave my number to? I should not have done that and I feel so bad. Thank you again.

[CaitlinEve]

Hey raine,

If you feel safe, you could tell him what you said here (more or less); that you don't and won't feel a romantic attraction to him due to your sexuality. It may be best to be straight-forward with it, as sometimes people can read into things. For example, if you tell him that you're not attracted to him, he may think that there's a chance someday in the future that you can/will be...

HOWEVER! This all depends on YOUR comfort level. You should only do this if you feel safe telling someone that information. In ANY case, a no is a no. Full-stop! You don't owe him an explanation. Saying no, or that you don't like-like him, is a full sentence and doesn't require you to explain. Make sure you feel comfortable having this conversation with him; if you don't feel comfortable or safe telling him your sexuality or saying no straight out, you could tell him you have a partner/boyfriend.

If you'd like to type out your message to him here so one of us can read over it and help, that's also an option!

[KierC]

Hi Raine,

In addition to the great advice Cat gave, I wanted to ask for some context: when you said he’s been saying sexual things to you, has he been repeatedly doing this with no response? Also, I know you’re 17, is this guy much older or is he around your age range? If he is older, that would be a bit more of a safety concern, if that makes sense.

If the community you live in is accepting of LGBTQ+ people generally, and if your place of works feels affirming of your identity, it may be safe to disclose only if you want to, but I want to add that you never have to disclose your identity to get someone to leave you alone, and if you do not feel safe or simply don’t want to discuss your identity, you can say something to him like “Hey, I view you as a friend and I don’t want to engage with you sexually,” or simply “I don’t appreciate the sexual things you’re saying to me and I’d like to be left alone.” How does that sound?

A final note: it’s definitely not your fault that guys are asking for your number at work. There’s a lot of patriarchal BS in play that tells non-male-identifying people that it’s somehow our fault that people treat us a certain way or feel attraction towards us, but that’s simply not true and it puts us in the unfair position of having to manage peoples emotions. All this to say, I hear your frustration and the feeling that it’s your fault, but it is truly not your fault.