Sleep Rape

[sour_snakes]

i feel like i was raped in my sleep, but i'm not sure. a while ago, i woke up in a panic with two large, painful bruises on my hips. i couldn't walk properly for at least two weeks and my mother was not concerned, so we didn't go to the doctor. for background information, i am a minor and have had no sexual relationships or encounters. my mother often has friends over. she has a hangout spot for them outside, and the door is always unlocked. anyone is free to come inside whenever they please, and someone could easily get into my room.
i might be worried for no reason, but i want to know if it's possible. i am an incredibly heavy sleeper and i take pills to get myself to bed easier. am i overreacting?

[Sam W]

Hi Sour_Snakes,

This is tricky, because while assault intense enough to leave bruises would usually be something it was unlikely to sleep through, if you take medication to help you sleep, depending on what you take there is a chance that you didn't wake up when you otherwise would have. To me, that chance increases if those bruises were not present when you went to bed and you somehow woke up bruised on both hips and struggling to walk; those are the kinds of injury we sustain from something like a contact sport or falling off of something, not sleeping. Was the difficulty you had walking from the bruises on your hips, or was there also pain or even bleeding in or around your genitals at some point?

Too, it sounds like even if there were an alternative explanation for this, you don't feel all that safe when you're asleep at home. Do you have any ability to ask your mom for a lock for your door, specifically? And can I ask why she felt that you having trouble walking for two weeks from an unknown injury wasn't something to go to the doctor about?

(I do also want to check: you mention being a minor but your bio says you're 23. Can you confirm which is right for me?)

[sour_snakes]

Hi! I don't believe my reply sent, so I'm retyping my response to this.

Yes, I did not have any bruises before I went to bed nor was I in any pain, yet I woke up with them. I do not play any sports and I haven't been injured recently before this. I was bleeding for multiple weeks after this.

Why I am anxious about people being able to enter is because there has been dangerous encounters at my mother's house before. On multiple occasions, a man (one of her old friends) has shown up at the house with a weapon and very often is there yelling outside.

I have a one, almost two year old brother, as well as pets, so this has always been a concern for me.

I do have a lock on my door, but I am not allowed to use it, but even so, I am not allowed to lock it and my door is connected to the bathroom so my room is accessible through that anyways. I have a history of trying to get out of school so she thought I was faking for a while, but understood I was not later on. We do not have the money for hospitals, dental care, or anything like that and only schedule things if it is an emergency.

(My bad! I have a habit of changing my birth date when I know I won't be using the site too often. It's simply a personal preference at times, my apologies.)

[KierC]

Hey there sour_snakes,

I’m sorry we didn’t see your reply earlier, thank you for retyping. I’m also really sorry to hear that you were assaulted, especially in your home, and how things are going at home too. I hear you that you’re scared for your brother and your pets. You’re doing the right thing by talking about this, and you deserve support and safety.

It does sound like there’s an ongoing safety concern at home — I hear you that it’s scary when you can’t lock your door, and you do deserve that ongoing security, especially since there are adults in the house who could enter the room. You also deserve to be able to go to the doctor, especially when you are injured, such as after the assault.

Do you have a trusted family member who would take seriously both the assault and the safety concerns at home? I think it’s really important to let someone know who can help you get medical care, as you were bleeding for a bit and might want an STI test just to check. Doctors are mandated reporters as well, so if you get medical care you can also ask for support about the safety concerns going on at home.

Also, if there is not a relative who can help, would you like help figuring out how to talk to a teacher or nurse at school about this? They are mandated reporters too, and can help you get support and make sure you and your brother can be safe.

All in all, I am really sorry this happened and is happening to you. I think it’s time to tell an adult who can help you get to a doctor, and we can absolutely help you figure out what that looks like and how to tell someone. How does that sound to you?

[sour_snakes]

Hello.

Recently, my older brother was arrested for being in a relationship with a minor, and while I don't know if it's true, my partner has told me that he had acted strange around them multiple times anyways and have made comments about him.

I feel like it'd be a bad time to say anything with everything that is happening lately. I don't want to stress my parents out, and if it is something else, I'd feel horrible for doing so. I don't believe my brother was the one who did it if I'm right either. I don't have any guesses.

Also, I don't do in person. My grades have dropped significantly ever since I started middle school, so I wasn't able to stay in traditional schooling. I feel nervous about messaging my teachers. I don't know them or the councilor very well.

What should I do? I know I am very privileged to even have to option of bringing this up but I don't know. I'm scared.

[KierC]

Hi sour_snakes,

I’m sorry to hear the update about your older brother and the stress surrounding it. How did your parents react?

I know it’s really heavy feeling the weight of all these different things going on at home, but I want to emphasize that your safety is most important here. I hear you that you want to make things less stressful and not add to things, but it shouldn’t be your job to make things easier at home, especially if there are safety concerns there that are impacting you. Does that make sense?

It’s okay if you don’t know who assaulted you, and that doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve help or to tell someone what happened — I think the most important thing here is that the security in your bedroom (no lock, plus adult guests over frequently) combined with not being able to see a doctor after the assault, poses an ongoing concern for your health and safety. I think letting an adult know who would take this seriously and get you medical care would be a great step.

I hear you that your parents might be overwhelmed right now — do you have someone in your extended family that might be able to hear you? If not, or if that doesn’t feel like a good option, messaging a teacher or counselor may be a good step. It’s okay to be scared right now: you’ve been going through a lot, and I know it can feel really scary to disclose assault, but I want to reassure you that the adults at school, especially a school counselor who is trained to help young adults with this, will want to help you regardless of how well they know you. Do you think you could tell someone, either a relative or a teacher or counselor? We can help you figure out what to say, too, if that would be helpful for you. <3