masturbation feels like nothing and it’s isolating

[graham]

i’m finally biting the bullet to ask about this after years of getting nowhere. i’m 19, i used to lurk this site as a younger teen for the same issue. i’ve read tons of threads over the years, reddit posts, done web research and have gotten nowhere.
while i do get horny and my body responds, i’ve never felt anything while masturbating. penetration feels like nothing and my clit just feels tingly at most. ik there’s no “normal” way to do it and i know my anatomy. i’ve it doesn’t matter if i touch it indirectly, etc. i’ve tried getting out of my head and proceeding with a positive attitude. after years of no results, it’s hard to stay positive. i’m wondering if there’s something i’m possibly missing. it’s too early for me to go to a gynecologist.

i can provide more info on what i’ve tried and my habits if needed.

[Latha]

Hi Graham, welcome to the boards!

I understand how it would be difficult to stay positive when it seems like you've had no results after years of effort and research. More information on what you've already tried and your habits would definitely be helpful, just so we don't recommend things that don't work for you.

To start I have two questions:

• Are you able to experience pleasure from connecting with your body in non-sexual contexts?

• What goes on in your mind as you try to masturbate?

Honestly, I don't think it is too early for you to see a gynecologist. It certainly can't hurt, and getting regular checkups is a good idea anyway.

[graham]

hi Latha,
could you elaborate on your first question?
to answer your second question, i used to do it with an intention to “feel what everyone else is feeling” but i learned that’s not going to get me anywhere. now, i try to focus on my sensations and not the end goal. i think about the situations that turn me on and try to translate that into physical touch, like caressing and stuff. i try to keep an open mind so i don’t expect instant results.

regarding my habits and things i’ve tried: i’ve tried vibration, pillows, finger penetration, indirect contact with the clit (like the area above where the hood is), learning about my body and what i like. i don’t attempt masturbation with an attempt to orgasm. i think my libido was a bit higher when i was younger and it has decreased over time but occasionally spikes. i think i know my erogenous zones, one of them being my chest/nipples. when i get really horny, i feel a bit frustrated because i feel pent up with no way to let it out.

my mom still handles my medical care, so unfortunately i do think a gyno visit is off the table. but i will definitely be going when i have the chance. let me know if anything need further explaining :)

[CaitlinEve]

Hi graham,

It definitely sounds frustrating to not be able to access the specialized type of care you'd like for the time being. For what it's worth, if you have a primary care doctor they could potentially help you with this issue as well (or get the ball rolling, at least) and due to your age you could make sure your mother is not told or informed (HIPAA). Depending on your situation it may just be better to wait, I just wanted to make sure you knew that you have options in this situation.

I was also wondering if you would elaborate on what you meant in your title when you said that this is isolating for you, just so we can get the full picture and help you as much as we can.

[graham]

hi Caitlin,
i recently changed doctors for the first time so i’m still looking for a new one, but when i find them i’ll definitely consider asking them about it!

regarding the title, i know other people are going through this as well, but it feels isolating because the immediate people around me aren’t going though the same thing. sometimes i feel like i’m the odd one out and life feels a bit unfair. i mentioned previously that this situation often leaves me pent up with no way to release it and i guess that feeling—like i’m partially there but missing something—feels kind of lonely. i know everyone’s situation is different and there is no “normal” way to masturbate, but it feels like i’m missing out on the bare minimum, if that makes sense.

[KierC]

Hi Graham,

I hear you that it can feel particularly isolating if the people in your immediate group are experiencing different responses. It sounds like you know that people have a range of sexual responses, but it’s still hard not to compare. Truthfully, I think there’s a lot in life and in media that suggests that vulvas and vaginas are always “functioning” during sex and masturbation, and that sexual response is always consistent, but in reality, sexual response can wax and wane, and people can experience issues with libido or arousal at different points in their life. All this to say, in public people tend to talk more about sexual “successes” than sexual problems, and you may not be as alone in your immediate circle as you think.

I think discussing this with a doctor at some point, if you feel like you want to, could be a great step. Also, when you go to masturbate, do you experience desire that makes you want to masturbate and then it goes away with no arousal, or do you just not feel that desire at all? Sometimes it can be really difficult to masturbate without feeling that desire or even arousal, first. Does that make sense?

One more question too: How is your relationship with non-sexual pleasure? I ask because there may be pleasureful non-sexual feelings that you can try to translate into masturbation. Also asking to check if this is just with masturbation or more of a broader issue of access to pleasure.

[graham]

hi! i usually get aroused first and then feel the ‘desire’ to masturbate after.

could you elaborate on what you mean by non-sexual pleasure?

thanks :)

[Latha]

Hi Graham,

As I understand it, non-sexual pleasure describes physical or emotional pleasure that happens in situations that are not sexual. Imagine taking a relaxing bath after a long day, eating a favorite snack, or wrapping yourself in a soft blanket. This was what I meant in my earlier response to you, and it might be what Kier was thinking of. It doesn't have to be those specific activities, of course. You can read more about this subject here: I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment