What if a stereotypical kink isn't meant to be erotic, but people keep assuming that it is?

[Bowler]

There are a few things I enjoy that have a loooong history with the kink community, but I don't enjoy them in a sexual manner. (Technically speaking I can, but like.. The same can be said for any of my other interests.) And I don't mind the history, I don't mind it being associated with kink. I think it's wonderful that people are finding joy in the same things, just for different reasons.
...But I can't exactly be public about these things either, because yeah, kinksters sort of own it. I don't mind the association, I just don't really want to be looked at? Like I'm some weird "other". I would like to feel safe presenting as I feel comfortable, while I go outside. Are these things just inherently sexual in the eyes of the public? (If I did have a sexual component to this interest, would anything change?) What do I do?
It feels like me existing is sexual deviance, even though that's not what it is. Even if folks assumed that about me I wouldn't mind, I just don't want to be viewed negatively. There's just so much to consider here, I don't know where to start.

[KierC]

Hey there Bowler,

Could you clarify a bit of what being public with this interest would look like for you? We can definitely talk about presenting in public a certain way, but would be helpful to know exactly what you mean first. For example, are you asking whether it’s okay to wear a certain item in public, or something else?

[Bowler]

yeah, mostly wearing certain things, a harness being among them. (And perhaps a leash to that harness). I guess I'm just unsure how to navigate.. any of this. I don't feel safe but I don't feel "right" or like myself, if I don't have it. It's an important part of my identity.
It's not innately erotic for me either. I just enjoy the feeling of it.

[CaitlinEve]

Bowler,

I would say that especially in terms of harnesses/collars/leashes, how they are viewed depends on the person viewing some. Some people may see them as related to kinks, other people may just shrug and think that it's a new style trend, whereas others may think you're a part of different communities (like therian or furry). It all widely depends on the person, but the person it should depend the most on is you.

I will say that even though it's not innately erotic for you, there may be people who believe it is and are uncomfortable with the thought of being around due to not consenting to be part of others' kinks. This happens a fair amount with public kink displays/behaviors and is something to consider being perceived as doing (even if you're not!) and if you're comfortable with that as well, because people will likely make assumptions. You say this is an important part of your identity; with that in mind, you should do what feels right for you. You're not hurting anybody!

Could you start out by wearing your harnesses/collars/leashes under clothes or less 'obvious' iterations of these (ie. chokers and chains) to test out how people react and how you personally feel about it?

[Bowler]

I guess like. I partially don't care if it makes people uncomfortable? Because the reasons they are uncomfortable are generally bad ones (I've spoken to one of these people before, it's just them refusing to overcome their own biases). I just worry about experiencing violence or strange looks.
But thanks, that is a good first step to take!

[KierC]

Hi there Bowler,

Is the desire to wear a harness because the sensory experience feels nice? Too, is it about identity presentation or not so much?

As Cat said, your comfort is most important here, but I think one reason people may be uncomfortable is if they feel that a sexual scene is being enacted in public without their consent. But I hear you that this is a bit more tricky because it’s not sexual for you, but it could be perceived as sexual by others, especially with a leash involved, which could suggest use by another partner. Overall, the most important thing to take into account is your comfort and safety, but those are some potential things to keep in mind.

I personally think there’s nothing wrong with a harness: I see harnesses used as fashion statements all the time, and I think they can look quite lovely! Also, I’ve seen really cool looking combos of like, a brown leather harness with a dress shirt, or a harness-looking belt — not overtly sexual but kind of putting the idea on its head. One of my favorite instagram accounts is this person using shibari (rope bondage) to make belts with keychains on them and cool stuff like that, and it ends up looking way more like fashion than kink. So, maybe it’s a challenge of finding *how* to wear it? I think Cat’s idea of wearing a harness underneath clothing is a really great idea as well, I’d definitely suggest starting with that.

For the feeling of a leash: I have seen chokers on Etsy and such that have a leather tassel hanging down the front, not really a leash or anything that would suggest to grab and pull it, but maybe it would take on a similar sensory effect for you?

Ultimately, it’s not your job *at all* to manage people’s perception of you, but there are certainly ways to engage with this sensory feeling while not having to feel like people are looking at you in a way you don’t like. How does that sound?