Penetration discomfort

[VivaciousPoet]

Ive only ever used fingers and toys, but I can’t take penetration. The most I can take is one finger, two not being able to fit. It doesn’t hurt, but my body has unpleasant reactions. Physically, I get lightheaded and dizzy, maybe hyperventilating. Emotionally, I’ll be upset, anxious, and I might cry. I do understand that it’s normal to be nervous about penetration, but I feel like the degree I experience it to is extreme and abnormal.

Whenever I try to do research or find others with similar experiences, I always get the same answers. “Use lots of lube,” “Make sure you’ve done a lot of foreplay and you’re properly aroused,” etc. I’ve tried all of that already. I do feel anxious about penetration, fearing that it will hurt, but with enough preparation I can dispel this and begin to crave it. I can use half a bottle of lube and get extremely aroused, but the moment anything is inserted there’s just this instant change and I have to stop. Every time, no matter the circumstance.

I will see people say that it could be Vaginismus or Endometriosis, which I really don’t think is my problem. Penetration doesn’t physically hurt, nor does my vagina feel particularly tight during it. I never feel pain in any part of my vagina in normal daily life either. Period cramps used to be extremely painful to the point that I would feel physically ill and need to take days off of school (when I still attended), but ever since I took testosterone for a few months, they have been WAY better. Other than that, there’s no irregularities I’ve noticed with my periods.

I also do know that penetration isn’t that pleasurable for some or just isn’t for them. I have tried other ways to masturbate that I’ve found effective, but I really want to try and make penetration pleasurable and/or figure out what’s wrong with me.

Content warning for discussion ofCA/CSA here:

While I was emotionally and physically abused as a child by my step-father, neither I or my mother recall any instance of sexual abuse. I do have a massive memory gap from the time the abuse occurred, but there are some instances that I can remember with a surprising amount of clarity. None of these memories involve any sort of sexual abuse or even suggestive actions. It’s possible that something did occur, but I think it’s unlikely.

I’m planning on bringing this up with both my doctor and therapist, but I wanted to post here first because: 1. I want to know if anyone has any answers, I’ve never been able to find any and my next appointments are rather far away 2. I am admittedly embarrassed to discuss such things and never have before. I don’t know what I should say. If anyone has answers for either or general advice, that would be great.

[Sam W]

Hi VivaciousPoet,

It sounds like you've done a lot of research around this already, and like you've been trying different recommendations to see if they change things. That's actually a really great step in terms of getting to know your body, even if it can then feel extra frustrating when it's still doing things you wish it wouldn't.

I'm so sorry your stepfather chose to abuse you, and I'm glad you have some supports in the form a therapist. I agree that it's worth bringing this up with them; even if it's not directly linked to sexual assault, trauma can still influence our sexual response and it sounds like that might be what's going on here, since you mention you have intense emotional reactions to inserting fingers.

You mention that even when you're aroused, if you insert your fingers it's like an instant change. When you think about that change, does it feel like inserting your fingers reminds you of something--whether that's an experience or a message you've gotten about sex or masturbation--that immediately intrudes on the arousal? Too, since it sounds like there's some gender stuff in the mix, is there any chance this is tied to dysphoria for you?

Too, can you say a little more about why it's important to you that you're able to insert things, especially since it sounds like you've found other ways of masturbating that feel good to you without leading to an unpleasant experience.

[VivaciousPoet]

Thanks for your response.

I’m not sure if I’m reminded of anything, I just feel intense anxiety and want to yell out “stop.” I do experience dysphoria and it could definitely be a factor, but it doesn’t typically cause anxiety like that.

I want to experiment with penetration just to see out some fantasies I have, don’t think there’s much else to it

[Andy]

Hi there VivaciousPoet,

I hear you on wanting to try out if the things you like in fantasy are pleasurable in reality as well. However, sometimes, this is not the case for all people and for all fantasies. Often the things we like in our imaginations aren’t things we want to do or enjoy doing in real life and that’s perfectly okay. And just like someone can for example fantasize about having sex with multiple partners while masturbating, one can imagine experiencing inserting things while sticking to stimulating the outer parts of the body. Does that make sense?

But that’s not to say you won’t ever enjoy insertion as a part of masturbation. It is possible that it will become pleasurable for you with time, as you learn ways to better manage dysphoria or trauma, or just when you put off the pressure on yourself to make it work. Even though these things doesn’t seem as the reason behind it right now.
Is any of them something you would like to talk about more?

Also, you mentioned wanting to bring this up to your therapist and doctor and I understand how that can feel daunting. We can try brainstorm with you some ways to make the conversation easier if you want!