i want to be in a relationship with someone significantly older than me

[lb07]

im 17, and since i was 16 ive wanted to have a relationship with someone older than me, im unsure how this desire came about, but it was probably made worse when i seeked out that kinda thing when i was 16. in my state, i cant legally be in a relationship with someone much older than me, i'd have to wait for 18 for that, but im getting tired of waiting. sometimes i dont mind having this desire, sometimes i do. i wish i knew why it came about.

[KierC]

Hi lb07,

I want to ask a clarifying question first, if that’s okay! Reading through this and your other posts, I think, as Latha said before, you’re placing older people on a pedestal they don’t deserve to be on. Is there something in particular *about* older people that excites you? If we can tease apart what exactly it is you’re seeking when you look at older people, maybe we can figure out why this came about. How does that sound? Also, do you still have a therapist you can discuss these things with as well?

[lb07]

what excites me about them is probably the experience they most likely have with romantic and sexual things, and yes i still do have a therapist

[Sofi]

Have you brought this up to your therapist by chance, and if so, what did they say?
Wanting to be with an older person because they have more experience isn't uncommon, and I don't want you to feel like it's a weird thing or a shameful desire. However it's different when it's two adults, which is how it often happens. As you're aware, it's not legal at your age, and there are reasons beyond law for that. Romantic and sexual experience aren't directly tied to age, many adults don't have much experience in those areas (and many people do have a lot of it by the time they turn 18). Ideally, you would want to be with someone close to your age, who you have lots in common with and are in a similar stage in life, regardless of their romantic or sexual experience. Still, I don't want you to shame yourself into being distressed over this desire. Is that what you feel is happening?

[lb07]

i don’t feel as ashamed by it as i used to. i haven’t discussed it with my therapist quite yet

[Willa]

hi lb07,

That's good you are feeling less ashamed about it than in the past. Touching on what Sofi raised it can often be helpful to reflect on what is attractive about wants that we have so we can understand ourselves better and not be as hard on ourselves. Some good starting points could be to think about why someone with more experience would be more appealing to you than the hypothetical person your own age who doesn't have those experiences (even though as Sam touched on these things often do not have a direct correlation).

Would you like to discuss ways to raise this with your therapist? If it is helpful we can talk about different avenues to introduce this conversation in ways that would benefit you most.