Ask Scarleteen Volunteer Sofi Anything!

[Heather]

Hey, everyone! Me again, Heather, the founder and one of the co-directors here at Scarleteen. I'm here again this time to moderate a conversation with Sofi! Sofi first came into Scarleteen as an intern in 2020 while studying Gender and Sexuality Studies in college, and has been a sex educator ever since. Sofi also is a new member of the sexuality panel I chair for Our Bodies, Ourselves Today! They are awesome, and also a queer autistic + ADHD immigrant living in Baltimore, and her pronouns are she/they. Sofi identifies as pansexual.

Sofi and I are both people with chronic illness who are both having some issues today, as those of us with chronic illness are inclined to so much of the time! So, I wanted to kick this AMA off by opening a conversation about the work of sex education when you have chronic illness to manage. Can you say some about some of the challenges and some of the accommodations involved for you, Sofi?

[Sofi]

Hi! So happy to be here <3

For me, daily routines and schedules are necessary mentally, but my spoons (/the amount of energy I have) varies widely per day and is unpredictable. So an accommodation I've had to incorporate is a flexible work from home situation where I can work when I can, and rest when I can't. I also make time every week to genuinely REST, and do nothing. This allows me to keep my nervous system as regulated as possible so when crisis strikes, I'm starting from a good place and it's not AS bad. And I eat the same thing for breakfast every day so I can start my day with low demands. <3

[Heather]

These are great, thanks. Sofi, what can we pass on to readers managing chronic illness that we know from our work and our personal lives about how to best care for themselves while also wanting to engage in a sexual life?

[Sofi]

These are great, thanks. Sofi, what can we pass on to readers managing chronic illness that we know from our work and our personal lives about how to best care for themselves while also wanting to engage in a sexual life?

Ooh, great question. Of course specifics vary because every chronic illness affects every person differently, BUT I'll start with saying the main sexual organ is our brain and we wanna make sure that's taken care of so we can have a healthy sex life. This means mental self care! I know physical pain aside, if I'm not in a good mental space, it ain't happening. So I always say make sure you're taking time to take care of that precious little brain by resting, doing things you enjoy as often as you can, therapy perhaps, etc. And have firm boundaries around sex with your partner(s), make sure you communicate your needs and your wants and what hurts or what accommodations you need during that time etc. <3

[Heather]

You and I also have had our fair share of money struggles, and I feel like that's something that also often gets discounted as having an impact on our sexualities, relationships, overall health and sexual lives. What do you say we talk a little bit about some poverty hacks in these arenas?

[Heather]

I love your answer to the previous question. I think in part because for so long -- and for so many people still -- the idea was anything sexual was only genital, a lot of people absorbed the idea that so long as your genitals are okay and good to go, the rest of us should be. But you're right, and for our genitals to even BE good to go, if and when they are part of the sex we're taking part in, our brains have to be doing okay!

[CaitlinEve]

Hey Sofi, happy to see another chronically ill queer person here!

I noticed that you mentioned spoons; how do you find spoon theory interacts with your sex life? Do you have specific tips for readers who have less energy but still desire sexual relationships/masturbation?

[Sofi]

YES, I'm huge on transparency around this topic, because I don't feel it's shameful especially considering money struggles always stem from a systemic issue outside the person's control - see: wage gaps based on gender, ethnicity, disability, etc. There are many factors that affect this and none are a direct reflection of me as a person or how much value I have.

With potential partners I have always been honest from the start, not because money is something that defines people, but quite the opposite. Again, my struggles haven't had anything to do with what kind of person, partner, etc I am. But they're a symptom of a bigger issue that IS part of who I am - my disability, my immigration status, the fact that I'm a Latinx queer woman. These are not bad or shameful things! More money transparency so peope don't feel like they're alone in their struggles or at fault. <3

[Sofi]

Hey Sofi, happy to see another chronically ill queer person here!

I noticed that you mentioned spoons; how do you find spoon theory interacts with your sex life? Do you have specific tips for readers who have less energy but still desire sexual relationships/masturbation?

Hi! Great question. I definitely have many days where anything sex-related is out of the question, so that's something I'm upfront about with partners from the start. I have the conversation early on to establish good communication with them, so they understand this happens and why, and I'm always honest in the moment. I discuss with partners how we want to communicate these moments so they KNOW. When it comes to solo sex, same thing but with myself - I make sure I only engage in it when I have the energy for it, don't pressure myself to do it or shame myself for doing it more often some weeks, etc. I give myself a LOT of grace and patience, don't push myself too far, don't overthink it; and I only choose partners who also do these things for/with me <3

[CaitlinEve]

Grace and patience is incredibly important, and I'm so glad that you and your partners give you that time and space!

On a bit of a different (but connected!) topic; as an autistic person, I appreciate your willingness to talk about that aspect of your identity and how it intersects with your other facets. Do you find that your autism affects your relationships (platonic, romantic, sexual) and how you can/do connect with people?

[Sofi]

On a bit of a different (but connected!) topic; as an autistic person, I appreciate your willingness to talk about that aspect of your identity and how it intersects with your other facets. Do you find that your autism affects your relationships (platonic, romantic, sexual) and how you can/do connect with people?

Yeahhh, my autism hugely affects my relationships. As far as friendships, it's just really difficult for me to connect with people without going "all in" right away, which can be offputting to many. I also have a very low social battery for in-person interactions. I've found as I get older the more I'm upfront about this, the more people can understand me and it makes the friendships I have way stronger. On a romantic level, dating has its own challenges but I again was always very upfront about my mental health and disability. My current partner, my spouse, is supportive and I want everyone to know even though it's hard to find "your people" as an autistic person, they exist! And they will love and support you for who you are. Communicate your needs and ask for the accommodations you need in your relationships. You deserve to have them met <3