i dont know what i am

[pinkvixie]

ive been struggling with my sexuality for years. i constantly flipflop between labels because im never sure i have one that fits me right. but i think i might be a lesbian

i only want to be with people who arent men. ideally i see myself dating women and spending my life with a woman. i feel happy calling myself a lesbian

but there are some male celebs i like. i think they are attractive and i am autistic so i hyperfixate on them and i obsess over them. theyre usually actors so i’ll watch anything theyre in. i cant really differentiate if its attraction or not, but i usually have fantasies involving them. of the sexual and romantic kind

im asexual and ive known that for a while. i dont want to have sex and the thought of Me actually having it grosses me out but i like to think about it. i dont want to do it but it feels safe for me to just imagine because its not actually happening. i dont know if that makes any difference to the fact that i never think about having sex with women but i do with men. i dont usually think about it from my perspective either, its usually just a blank person i imagine it through the lense of. or sometimes i imagine it through the perspective of another man. i make jokes and comments of the nature and stuff about guy celebs but i think that means i cant be a lesbian

i worry because i feel like the label fits me and what i want for my life but i cant use it because i contradict it by only really talking about male celebs or characters. i dont have fantasies about women

i’ve also only dated women apart from 2 boys who were both very flamboyant and then turned out to be gay. a handful of the ppl i dated came out as transmen and im pretty sure i lost attraction because i lost all interest in the relationship and it just didnt feel the same but we stayed friends. ive had crushes in girls ive been friends with, im sure.

i just dont know what i am or whats ok for me to identify as. i know bisexual is there but i always look the other way at lesbian and the flag always catches my eye and i register it in my brain as “me” before i realise that it seemingly cant be. its been causing me a lot of distress. i couldnt even enjoy pride month because im so completely unsure of what i am. i dont have pride because i dont know.

im scared to not fit in a box perfectly, but i dont fit in any box that i identify as to a t. im nonbinary but im not super androgynous, i enjoy my femininity. im asexual but i can think about sex and enjoy porn and stuff. i think im a lesbian but i only talk about whatever male celeb / character im hyperfixating on at the moment. i dont know what to do and im really at a loss. i keep seeing answers of both “yes its ok to say youre a lesbian” and “no its not” and its confusing me really badly

everything about men for me is restricted to fantasy. i do not want a man irl . thats all i know. but sometimes i do catch myself thinking “but what if you meet someone who changes that” and it makes me feel bad.

i dont know if anyone can help me, but i didnt know where else to go with this

[AliahMaharaj]

Hi pinkvixie, first off I wanna say I know how destabilizing and confusing it can feel to question your sexuality, and that it might seem like the whole problem would be solved if you had one label that works.

If you feel happy calling yourself a lesbian, then you have every right to call yourself a lesbian. It’s easy to focus on all the things that make us feel like we don’t fit a label, but labels are only tools. We define them, they don’t define us.

Finding male celebrities attractive and fantasizing about them, sexually, romantically or otherwise, doesn’t mean you’re disqualified from being a lesbian (even if you’re not sure if what you feel towards those men is attraction or not), and not fantasizing about women doesn’t disqualify you either.

You already have two great examples of this: you know you’re asexual, because you don’t want to have sex, even though you like thinking about it, and you’re non-binary, even if you don’t fit the stereotype of being super androgynous (which you don’t have to). You defined what those labels mean for you, and you get to do the same thing with being a lesbian.

One thing I think it’s important to remember is that, while looking back at our dating history can help us work toward figuring out who we’re attracted to (and how that attraction may change), who we have relationships with doesn’t always mirror the identity that we feel suits us best. You don’t need to impose rules on yourself about how you identify now, based on who you’ve been with in the past, or who you might be with in the future either.

It can be scary to feel like we don’t fit into boxes, because we’ve been taught that that’s the only way we’ll be accepted (especially if we’re queer) but that’s not true. The only person who gets to decide if you identify as a lesbian is you, and even if that description doesn’t feel like it fits you anymore somewhere down the line, that wouldn’t mean you’re wrong for using it now. Being your most authentic self is never wrong, and you don’t have to listen to anyone (even the annoying voice in your mind that we all have) that tells you otherwise.

If the way you identify were to shift in the future (if, for example, you meet a guy you’re attracted to, or for another reason), do you have an idea of what about that possibility makes you feel bad?

[pinkvixie]

hi aliah, i appreciate what you said about me getting to define what my labels mean for me. ive never had a lot of trouble overcoming the fact that i dont fit into the stereotypical box for being asexual and nonbinary, because most people are ok with that now, but there seems to be stricter rules and stuff for identifying as a lesbian so thats mostly where my trouble lies

to answer your question; i think its just the fact that i’d feel like i was wrong or that i was lying even though i know thats not how it works. sometimes sexuality changes and i know that. but i also feel bad because i dont want that to happen, but i catch myself thinking about it almost like i need it. like subconsciously i want to be fixed which i know is something lesbians struggle with due to comphet

but im curious as to how my fantasies about men dont make me not a lesbian. thats a lot of where my confusion is. i feel like if i didnt do that i’d be totally fine

[Sam W]

Hi pinkvixie,

It may help to think of those fantasies this way: sexual fantasies can sometimes give us useful information about things like our sexual orientation or sexual desires. But they can just as likely be things that we enjoy thinking about, but have zero interest in pursuing in real life (or might even be actively repulsed by if we encountered them in real life). Our sexual orientation, broadly speaking, has more to do with who we actually want to form romantic or sexual relationships with, which in your case sounds like it's exclusively women. So even if you fantasize about men sometimes, your sexual orientation as you actually embody it aligns with the common understanding of what it means to be lesbian.

I hear you on how it can be tricky to balance what we know about sexual orientation--including that it can change, or our understanding of it can change, and that doesn't mean we were wrong or lying--with still feeling like our lives would be easier if there wasn't that possibility for change. But I find that, in a lot of cases, worrying about the fact that your orientation might change at some nebulous point in the future is kind of borrowing trouble; you're not only worrying about something that hasn't happened yet, but that might not ever happen, period. Instead, it can help to focus on being comfortable with how you understand your orientation now and then just letting things go from there. Does that make sense?

Out of curiosity, what kinds of queer spaces do you generally spend time in? Are they online? In person? Are they a mixture of identities or do they tend to be for one, specific chunk of the queer and trans community?

[pinkvixie]

hi sam,

that does makes sense. i still feel a little bad if im thinking about it while saying im lesbian, even if nobody else knows i feel like id be lying. but i think it might just be something i should look at closer and maybe lean into the whole “fantasies arent always what we want” idea that i know floats around and most people seem to agree on

i dont really have any queer spaces i hang around in. im very socially anxious and i dont have many friends. i browse online forums sometimes but i never post in them or try to join in. i dont know if maybe having a community like that and talking to people could help but i find it really difficult to do so

[Sam W]

I think leaning into that idea when you can is a good plan!

Would you be open to testing out some socializing in queer spaces? A big part of why I asked about whether you were spending time in them is that, in my experience and from what I've seen doing this job, things like what "counts" as a real lesbian, who does or does not get to claim terms like asexuality, how nonbinary people should express themselves, and other kinds of toxic discourse are all WAY more prevalent online than in real life interactions with other queer people. I'm fairly socially anxious myself, but there are ways to basically baby-step your way into taking part in queer spaces, so if you'd like to talk about those I'm happy to.

[pinkvixie]

i definitely agree that lgbt discourse and community infighting is largely online bc the response to it all is that those people should hang out in queer spaces irl. its definitely the truth and when i was younger a lot of the rhetoric spewed online bc of that, especially in the trans community, really did damage to me and my understanding of myself and other trans people.

i would like to get into queer spaces, especially irl because i think i would benefit a lot more from that than i would online, but it’ll take me some time to actually do so. im in therapy currently for my anxiety and that is something im working on with my therapist specifically and i have some resources. but thank you for your offer, i appreciate it a lot

[Sam W]

Oof, I'm sorry running across that rhetoric when you were younger had such a crummy effect on you! And I'm glad to hear you have a therapist and are working on ways to manage your anxiety.

One tip I want to pass on is that, for me at least, I found it easier to go to queer spaces like LGBT centers if there was a specific event I was going to. The one near me at the time had game nights, movie nights, crafting times, a bunch of stuff, but picking an activity that interested me to attend helped a lot; I knew what to do in the situation (watch the movie, do the activity, etc) which is something my anxiety often attaches to, and I knew that the other folks there had at least a passing shared interest with me that we could talk about.

[pinkvixie]

thats really helpful actually. i think something like that could help me a lot. thank you for the advice!

[Sam W]

You're welcome, and I hope it does prove helpful at some point!