Tight housing

[bigbywolf]

hello scarleteen.

I'm 18 years old and i live in a house with my mother and i. it's tiny, and during the holidays (mom has a month holiday at the end of the school year, and right now i have two between the transition of high school and university) my boyfriend, let's call him "ben" has been coming to the house almost every day. we're not rowdy and it was fine for the month that both mom and i were on holiday. now however, she's back at work. she expressed that she didn't want him to come over as much during the week so she can get some rest, and i said alright.
Last night ben and i went to a friend gathering, i had told mom we could taxi back to bens hut (a one-room.. "thing" he stays in as his family has to rent out their house during the holidays to make some money). by 11.40, i texted mom to check if she was still awake. she was, so i askd if ben and i couldn't just go to my home and sleep in the room detached from the rest of the house.

Mom was furious.

she said many things along the lines of "t's f-ing unfair i have to be accommodating all the time. if you want to go out in the week or live with your boyfriend the two of you can go flatting together. i work bloody hard to be able to afford this house..i should be entitled to consideration..this isnt about it not being what i wanted, its about what we agreed on..." the list goes on. it's nothing too bad when i'm typing it out, but the crux of it is i wasn't aloud to go home that night and neither was ben, and ben is now subsequently completely banned during the week, and he won't be coming over during weekends because he;s terrified of my mom. Ben has his own means of transport which is why it's almost always him coming to my house. i guess there isn;t even a problem here. i was just tired and sad that i had been enjoying semi living with ben so much and mom, in the span of catching her on a "Bad" night, has ruled that out for us for until i can figure out what to do. ben's happy with his family, and im nowhere near a financial situation where i can actually go out and live away from home yet. i don't think it is expressed through this story, but my moms emotional reactions to a lot of things are, for lack of better phrasing, far more intense than what the situation should call for. i get she was frustrated and scared we were going to be continuously disrespectful of her during her work week by coming and going and not letting home be a quiet, calm space for her. but this was one occasion where i already KNEW she was awake, could go into a room that isnt even directly attached to the house so i could sleep with ben, and she let out paragraph upon paragraph of texts that in short called me disrespectful and ben a freeloader- which he has never intentionally been. the problem to her was i wasnt sticking to an original plan, and i was acting more selfishly than i told her i would. but now she wants me to move out as a result? now ben cant come over? i literally can't tell who's being ridiculous or unfair. im tired. i want to keep spending a lot of time with ben, which i guess i'll do at his house when the people renting it are out. im allowed home now, but moms blatant in her disapproval of it.

im sorry, i know almost none of this makes sense and there's no distinct problem, i just needed a place to vent or at least unload the scramble of thoughts happening for me right now. i just want last night to have not happened and for ben to not feel like hes a villain in my moms eyes. i also feel sick because i know that bens mom is mad at mine, since when we weren't allowed home ben had to call his own mother and ask what he could possibly do (bens family, as well as renting their house, own a business on an island and they live there for weeks at a time, meaning they aren't ready on a whim to help ben).

im also scared ben's going to jump ship and find someone with a less volatile mother. i wouldnt blame him either, because (its not really expressed here) my mom is a tough woman to exist with. even my sister says the best thing she had ever done was move out.

[Sam W]

Hi bigbywolf,

Ooof, that sounds like a tough situation all around. It does sound from this post (and from previous posts) that your mom does tend to react in an unnecessarily strong fashion to things. It sounds like you and Ben have worked out some work-arounds (e.g you going over there) and that's good, but this does sound like an exhausting situation to be in.

You mention moving out (both that your sister found it to be beneficial and that your mom may be leaning on that as a thing for you to do). Is that something that, putting aside constraints like money, is something you'd want to do? Because, if it is, there are steps you can take to start moving in that direction, and we might be able to offer some suggestions.

As for your worry about Ben leaving, you're correct that sometimes people do end up ending relationships because they cannot handle the family situation of their partner. However, right now that sounds like it's a little bit borrowing trouble, since Ben sounds like he's trying to do what he can to keep seeing you, which is a good sign.

[bigbywolf]

I do honestly think that my worry about Ben leaving isn't backed up by anything other than his resentment at my mom for kicking us both out, and the idea that his mother might say negative things about mine since their relationship is (very understandably) not good. Ben's mother's made it clear that the negative feelings only extend to my mother, and she still likes me very much. i think ben is sensible enough to see that im worth the baggage of an eccentric mother, because if we do things properly (away from her vicinity as long as possible), the baggage is more mine exclusively to carry than to share with him - which i am alright with. obviously, i won't shut him out of the problems between myself and her entirely, but it won't have to suffocate him when he's done nothing wrong and has stayed with me regardless of any up-to-now grief it's caused. if that makes any sense at all?!

As for moving out - there are huge pros and cons, but right now the pros are looking bigger and better. I don't worry too much about room mates, because i honestly love people and the more people the are the more security i feel (thus far in life). Housing is an issue, because while i live on an island, the uni im attending is a 20 minute ferry away. in that sense, it makes more sense to move off-island (nearer university), but then i worry i may not be able to see ben as much (to be fair, he'll be going to the university too, and a hub closer to his uni might be beneficial for him also). If i was moving out and into a new place, ben would have to be discussed. since his family life is great and while he's a student, food and housing is free in his own home, he wouldn't want to move out - which means i may run into the same problems with my flatmates as i do with my mother, where if Ben hangs about enough they may get angry he's not paying for rent electricity etc too. but i feel that at least with room mates, they'd discuss it a little bit better than one day banning me from home...

it almost sounds like eventually moving in with ben is the right path to go down because it eliminates a lot of my insecurities about what is the next step- but that too is problematic because i know, while loving ben very much, there's fair chance that with sudden exposure into the "real world" away from our tiny island, we will meet incrdible new people and it will probably be a natural step that we break up fairly soon. it sounds a little heartless when i put it like that, but i like to be realistic/somewhat pessimistic with myself so the only surprises i can run into are pleasant ones! what say you scarleteen?

(a final note that i'm perhaps too sure to properly think about just yet: my moving out renders my mother, someone who's almost friendless and very very socially anxious, almost entirely alone. i feel like she's had people in and out of her life, though, and it is not my fault that i was the last person that had to rely so heavily on her with being the youngest sibling, and as such her loneliness shouldn't be an all-consuming burden that ties me to a partnership with her that is as draining as it currently is)

[Sam W]

Okay, so it sounds like moving it is at least a little feasible. Since you're already considering it, it might be sound to (if you haven't) take a look at what your options would be (as in actual apartments and what they cost, where and how people advertise for roommate slots, etc). You may also want to bring this up with Ben (I think it's good that you're being honest with yourself about the fact that moving into together might prove difficult should either or both of you meet someone else) and talk about how the two of you would manage seeing each other should you move out. As far as how seeing him would work with roommates, that would be something to discuss with potential roommates when you're meeting with them.

In terms of your mom, it can be hard to feel like you're somehow abandoning her. But you can care about your mom, but that does not mean you have to put your happiness and independence aside in order to make her slightly less unhappy. You've also hit upon the fact that living in close quarters is draining whatever good there is out of the relationship between you two. So a little distance may, in fact, make it easier to have a positive relationship with your mom later on, if that makes sense.

[bigbywolf]

the only thing is, it's not possible at all. I get (with all loans available to me/with my dads weekly/my one day a week during term job) just under 300 per week, and a university room is around 350, and that's the cheapest possible option. I do have some money saved from working 30+ a week in these holidays, but i want to save, not lose what ive just earned.. I tried to bring up the whole ordeal with ben/how i was very stressed about trying to find out a way to move out of home and he offered a "you can do it ". I'll talk to him in person about how i already know i "can do" anything, but how i want a bit more support than a throwaway sentence that, in this time where I kind of don't feel like my own mother wants me, it revs my anxiety up with the belief that he doesn't want me either (which i know is a radical jump in feeling from him trying to be supportive... i am my mothers child after all but anxiety doesnt listen to rationale i guess). thank you though for talking this out with me, it's really, really nice to have a place to lay down all my thinking for this strange time. I know things are going to change even more radically very soon when university starts, and i guess that i just have to weather the storm of my mother until i can win a scholarship or find a better paying job with more hours during term.