feeling anxious and scared to take action

[Berkeley2003]

Hi there!

I've been increasingly feeling overwhelmed with my gender identity. I've mentioned in past posts here about navigating and understanding my voice dysphoria. I've come to the realization that my extreme discomfort of my voice creates a lot of "buzzing white noise" that occupies my mental space and impacts me really negatively. It leaves me feeling depressed, detached from life, and makes it hard to get life/work tasks complete.

I've been doing trans vocal training for a little while. I know that it's a slow, ongoing process to achieve progress. Despite it, I still have a lot of that "buzzing white noise" from my voice dysphoria that distresses me. I think I need to start HRT (specifically T) to help me get rid of that mental noise. I'm planning to call my medical provider and start a consultation. I just feel scared and I don't know if I'm doing the right thing?

[Sam W]

Hi Berkeley2003,

I'm glad you've been able to start voice training! Even if it's slow going, that's still a great step in terms of doing something that will help you feel more at home in your body.

Can you tell me a little more about the fear you're feeling around all this? Does it seem attached to a specific element of T, or of transition more generally?

[Berkeley2003]

Hi there,

Thank you!

I'm afraid of both transition in general and taking T. I'm fearful of being perceived and people noticing changes about me. I'm afraid of regretting the effects of T. It feels like a scary space peeling back layers of myself that feel inauthentic. There's a lot of potential, but it's scary.

I wish there was a litmus test that would tell me if this is the right decision, taking T. I think it is... It's hard feeling certain when I often deal with internalized transphobia, specifically dismissing or trivializing my dysphoria. I flick between, "Hey, you're definitely experiencing voice dysphoria and you genuinely feel uncomfortable" and "You're making a big deal of this, why can't you accept your voice as it is?".

I finally made the leap and called my provider for an initial HRT consultation. I'm really proud of myself for doing it. I guess I can help but still feel scared.

[Sam W]

It's awesome that you were able to make that consultation! Sometimes, just having a little more information about the process and how it would look for you can help soothe some of those worries.

Too, and we may have touched on this before, something you could explore and ask about at the appointment is starting on a low dose of testosterone; that's an option that's sometimes used by folks who aren't sure they want to go all-in on using T to transition, as the changes happen more slowly and more subtly. If you'd like more information on that option, this is a great primer: The Lowdown on Low-Dose Testosterone

I hear you saying that you're afraid of people noticing the changes, or maybe even noticing you more generally. Can you tell me a bit more about where that feeling is coming from? Are you somewhere that being noticed could be risky for you?

I do also want to say that, while every person feels differently about the elements of their transition, the idea that a lot of trans folks regret their physical transition (things like surgery or hormones) just isn't borne out by the data that we have. The majority of trans people who pursue physical transition of some form do not report regretting it, and often report feeling better once it's happened. There are still some folks who do experience regret, and in the case of hormones may decide what they want is to stop taking them, but regret around them isn't the common outcome some people try to present it as.

[Berkeley2003]

Thank you! I guess I’m particularly uncomfortable by people perceiving me and having to adapt to my changes. I’m afraid I just won’t be even further romantically desirable too. I’ve never felt romantically desirable from the start. It’s not really so much about immediate safety that’s at the forefront of my mind.

I think I just need to get over myself and just do it.

[Latha]

Hi Berkeley2003!

What do you think people will need to do to adapt to your changes? To me, it doesn't sound like a great hardship.

I understand your concern about not being romantically desirable, but I think you should go ahead regardless. There are people in the world who look down on gender non-conformity and transness, which can make dating more difficult in some spaces. But you deserve to be with someone who supports you feeling comfortable with your body and self.
Transition/your happiness does not have to be a barrier to finding a partner. I'm sure you know that many trans people have fulfilling romantic relationships. Consider that transitioning may make you more attractive to some people, and that being less depressed and detached from life will make it easier for you to date and see yourself as romantically desirable.

[Sam W]

Hi Berkeley2003,

In addition to what Latha said, would you say feeling undesirable in general is tied to your feelings about your gender, including maybe some dysphoria? Or is it about you as a person more generally? And is there a particular reason you're afraid starting T will someone how add to people perceiving you that way?