having feelings for a friend that ive only known for a few weeks. what do i do?

[SillyMcGoof_]

hi!

for the past few months ive been going to a semi local queer youth group and ive met a few friends there who are really cool. one of these friends ive found myself experiencing attraction to and having sexual thoughts about and idk what to do.

he’s really cool and nice and funny and fun to be around but for some reason i keep having these thoughts and fantasies about him when ive only really started talking to them like about 3-4 weeks ago (give or take as im awful with remembering times)

i feel really guilty about it because i just feel like a perv especially because hes becoming a good friend of mine and i dont want to ruin that especially because i havent known him for that long. he also has a boyfriend, which to be fair he is polyam but i just feel weird having these thoughts partially bc of that especially bc im becoming good friends with said bf and i just feel weird for it.

i also cant tell if im like really having feelings for him or if its something else disguised as that. and theres also the logistics if something were to hypothetically happen between us or if i told him, those being how would our friendship be affected (both with him and his bf), how tf would it even work bc im a top and dont really have the bits to do penetration or anything, the safety stuff, etc etc.

i just feel so guilty and anxious bc idk what to do or how to handle everything, so any advice is appreciated.

(also my apologies if there was already an article or another thread about a similar topic, i couldn’t find anything when i searched)

also this is a totally different thing but i didn’t think it warranted a separate thread. ive gone by my current name for like a few years and it just doesn’t feel right no matter how much i try to make it work and it doesn’t feel masc enough, and i have a different name in mind but im also worried that no name i choose will ever feel right and also idk how to tell my parents bc im worried they’ll be upset because ive went by this name for so long just to change it again. again, any advice is appreciated for that ^^

thanks!

[Heather]

Hey, Silly, it's nice to see you again!

I have a few things to offer you around all of this.

I think the idea that it's perverted to have sexual feelings for someone comes from our pretty sex-negative culture, cultural messaging that sex that sex is dirty but love or friendship are wholesome when there's no sex involved. I personally don't and have never believed that sex or sexual feelings are dirty or somehow less good than other kinds of feelings. If you try that on, looking at this with the idea in your head that it's okay for us to have those kinds of feelings or curiosities, just as okay as, say, having feelings of love for someone, how does this all sit with you now?

We also can have those kinds of feelings without doing anything with them. In fact, I'd say that probably at least half the time we do have those feelings, no matter who we have them with or around, we won't choose to do anything with them. That can be because the setting isn't right, even if we are in a sexual relationship with someone, or because that person just isn't feeling it when we are. It can be because someone isn't available in that way, isn't interested back, or because something about taking action on those feelings wouldn't be good for anyone involved. Maybe think about this as practice at having those feelings and just letting them be for now while you get to know this guy better and have more time to figure out what's right here?

In terms of being a top and not having "the parts." For one, topping doesn't always mean sex with any kind of entry: not everyone wants or likes that, or will want that all the time. That doesn't mean there can't be topping and bottoming dynamics if that's something everyone is into. If and when it is, hands and fingers are also "the parts" and sex toys can be "the parts" too. No one needs to have a penis for there to be sex that involves something going into orifices.

In terms of your name, what if you just said to your partners what you said here? That you just want to try something else -- and it's common to try a few names before settling on one -- but you are worried about their reaction?

[SillyMcGoof_]

hiya!! thanks for all the advice i appreciate it all!

i agree that i definitely should practice being more sex positive with myself and i’ll definitely work on that moving forward. and yeah i think for now im just gonna wait and see how everything goes before jumping into anything.

i also have a bit of an update; ive been chatting with him on discord and the topic of sex came up and we just sorta started discussing it (not like in a sexting way but like in the same way youd discuss like a show you like, just casual conversation) and i sorta started talking about how like ive never had partnered sex and wanted to try it at some point even tho im lowk terrified to but ill get more into that part later (also i wasn’t saying this to try to get in his pants or anything i was just still having a casual conversation sex n stuff and talking about my experience as he did his, and we also made sure we’re both comfortable and everything) and he essentially offered to like help me out with that stuff if i wanted which shocked me honestly bc even tho i like him i wasn’t expecting that outcome bc again i wasn’t trying to get in his pants just sorta engaging in casual conversation about sex. i basically was like “ill let you know thanks” bc i got my own stuff to work through and figure out before i do anything like that and also i wanna get to know them better.

today they also said i was “kinda cute” which wowzers i still feel great about that. in the message that they said that in they basically apologized for talking about sex stuff bc they were worried that i was uncomfortable and that he was being weird and i was like nah ur good and i apologized for the same thing afterwards and we worked things out.

i guess im kinda scared tho bc like im sorta terrified to have sex because of stds and risk of pregnancy and stuff and like i know that protection helps but also its not a 100% stop to that stuff and i would be terrified to ask my mom to take me to get tested for like stds n stuff bc im worried shell be upset and also its kinda an embarrassing thing to discuss and also the guy i have feelings for has had a decent amount of sex partners in the past so that sorta scares me because im scared that increases the risk of stds and yeah.

in terms of name stuff yeah ill try that. i just dunno when a good time would be. also yeah i am kinda worried about their reaction. my parents are extremely supportive but idk my anxiety is telling me that they’ll be upset even tho i doubt they will be idk

[Latha]

Hi there, Silly

For what it is worth, I think you're doing great in your interactions with this person. You're communicating honestly, and it sounds like you're checking in with yourself to understand what you're ready to do and what your needs are. Stepping back from having sex right now is a good choice, since it can be really hard to enjoy such experiences when you're worried about things like getting an STI.

I do want to say that getting an STI isn't the end of the world. With the right resources, it becomes an entirely manageable situation. Do you think it would help your anxiety to develop a plan for what you would do if you got an STI? Also: just to understand, has your mother gotten upset about such topics before?

It is true that having multiple sexual partners increases someone's chance of getting an STI, just as a matter of probability. But you can trust STI tests- if they come back negative, you don't have to worry that much.

Regarding your new name: I imagine that your fear around talking to your parents is coming from a protective place. Finding a name that feels right is important to you (naturally), so it would really hurt if they didn't understand. Here is the thing: By being supportive in the past, your parents have shown that they want to be there for you, and they are willing to put in the effort required to do that. This effort isn't a bad thing, by the way. It can be immensely rewarding to do things for people we care about.

Fear can sometimes build an image of our loved ones in our mind that is worse than they actually are. I know anxiety can be really hard to deal with, but consider giving your parents the opportunity to support you.

[SillyMcGoof_]

hi latha!

thanks so much!

i think a plan would probably help although i dont really know where to start and what should go into it so i may need some help. my mom hasn’t been upset over these topics before. she knows i masturbate after an incident with the bedsheets and wasn’t upset about it but im worried that she will with partnered sex from a protective standpoint and also the whole “you’re too young” but idk. im also worried about pregnancy because my friend is someone with a penis so yeah. but also im on birth control and i am not interested in vaginal penetration but im worried that some cum will like get in there somehow and then bam pregnancy idk.

i know that if i do have sex with them i wanna get tested for an sti just in case (and maybe pregnancy but idk if thats like necessary unless i show symptoms so idk) but im scared to ask my mom about it bc im worried about her reaction to me having sex and also to getting tested for stis bc idk if those cost money or not with our insurance.

ill try to tell my parents about the possible name change soon. i guess im also worried about it bc then id have to tell my doctors and stuff to change it in my chart if i do settle on one which i dont wanna be a pain.

[Willa]

Hi SillyMcGoof_!

Opening up conversations with parents around sex and sexuality can be difficult, but it can also be a great way to get the support you need for this new period in your life where partnered sex is something you may be more seriously considering. One great source to get started in making a plan is https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relatio ... ur-parents. This source is useful because it can help create a structure for how this talk can start and work for you guys. You could start perhaps by discussing the birth control you are currently on and what it protects you from, such as pregnancy, and what it does not, such as STIs.

There are different ways to get tested for STIs and pregnancies which we can discuss. But first, it is important to check in with yourself about these anxieties and understand the root of them to make sure you are prepared different risks sex involves. Would you like to talk a little more here about some of these fears? Also, would you say you deal with anxiety a great deal in your day-to-day life about things other than what we have discussed here?

It is very common to try out different labels, identities, and names. Deciding to try out a new name to see if it is comfortable does not mean that you have to be set to that name forever. Many doctors now have areas to include "preferred name" and are easy to edit whenever needed. It can be daunting to advocate for yourself, but as Latha touched on it is important to do so that you give those around you the chance to support you.

[SillyMcGoof_]

hey willa!

thanks for the resources. ill read up on it a bit later! i guess the main thing im scared of is not knowing if im pregnant or have an sti and the fear of asking my parents to get me tested for those things. i have GAD so im anxious pretty much all the time about everything. im on medication which helps a bit but i should probably get it upped.

i guess what im most scared of about the name stuff is that im worried that ill never find a name that i can stick with for the long term and im having sort of an identity crisis bc i dont know who i am (which isnt helped by my possible plurality) so its just been hard ig.

me and the friend had a conversation last night about sex and stuff again and we talked more about maybe trying stuff out and i want to but also im scared partially bc of pregnancy and stis (he said hes clean and will wear a condom if i want and we wont do vaginal penetration but its still something im scared about) but also bc idk what to expect and what if its super awkward or something goes wrong. im also worried that i was being weird during that conversation. he said i wasn’t but i feel bad for like sorta venting about my anxieties and apologizing so much and also for bringing up the sexual topics and sorta complaining about not having a sex partner and im worried that i was being manipulative even though i didn’t mean to be.

i also definitely wanna take it slow for now and not immediately jump into full on sex but ig im also worried because we’re both tops and im worried that like if i like it the first time we wont be compatible enough to do it more. shrug

[Sam W]

Hi SillyMcGoof_ ,

On the subject of names, I do want to say that not sticking with a name your entire life isn't a sign you don't know who you are. In my experience it's actually pretty common! My social circles are almost entirely trans and nonbinary, and I would say it's about fifty/fifty those who picked a name and stuck with it and those who tried several (or are still trying new ones on).

I want to address that worry about how being a top plays into this. For starters "top" as a sexual term is meant to be descriptive rather than restrictive. It's a word we might choose to sum up an element of our sexuality, rather than a box we have to shove all our sexual preferences, boundaries, etc inside of. Too, if we haven't been sexually active before, or have minimal partnered sexual experience, it's also pretty likely that our own understanding of our own sexuality, including whether we're a "top" (however we're defining that) will undergo some shifts as we start to gain that experience.

Too, if you two have one or two enjoyable sexual experiences together and then decide that you aren't compatible? That's absolutely okay! A sexual partner can end up being a net positive for our lives even if we were only ever with them once or twice.

I think with the safer sex concerns, a sound next step would be for you (and he, honestly) to give this a read: Can I Get Pregnant, or Get or Pass On an STI From That?. That's a really good overview of what activities pose what kind of risks, and it can help you decide what sexual activities, if any, you feel comfortable proceeding with.

I'd also ask him to clarify when he meant by being "clean" (that's not the preferred term, since it adds to STI stigma, so I'll be using the term "negative" from here on out). Does that mean he's never had a sexual partner of any kind? That he's only done a certain set of activities that he thinks don't pose a risk? That he's been tested since his last partner and it came back negative? When it comes to our safety during sex, follow-up questions are often a big part of figuring out what steps are needed to reduce risk as much as possible.

[SillyMcGoof_]

hi! i have kind of an update. sorry for not responding after so long!!

also by “clean” he means that they get tested regularly.

now for the update i suppose and also asking for advice bc um im struggling lol.

so i guess in a series of very impulsive (on my part) events i told him how i felt and apparently he feels the same way and is also romantically attracted to me which was a bit of a shock. we discussed maybe trying something together which part of me wants but im also really scared. partially bc idk how i would talk to my parents about it so i can get tested afterwards bc my mom is kinda judgemental in regards to teens having sex. i could go to the doctor for a different reason and ask for a test there but also like i would think that with the portal and stuff it wouldn’t be very secret and also i wouldn’t be able to do that unless i had a problem.

im also scared of something bad happening or getting hurt mainly due to trauma because i have mad trust issues and im worried that every little thing is someone trying to manipulate me and take advantage of me in some way so its hard to tell if thats actually the case or not or just my traumatized brain.

i also worry that im too young? like idk im worried that i should like hang onto my childhood instead of doing “adult” things. i know its normal for teens to have sex but idk my brain is weird.

im also just terrified of the risks in general like even if its a small chance with protection and stuff ill still freak out about it unless its a 0% chance or risk which is impossible pretty much so idk what to do about that.

also would i have to get tested afterwards even if they test negative if we do do anything to be safe or is that only if symptoms show?

thanks in advance!!

[Latha]

Hi SillyMcGoof, glad to see you again! Don't worry about not responding for a while- we're always here.

It seems like feelings of fear, anxiety, and discomfort are something of a common thread in your posts. I think we have an article that tries to address those feelings in relation to exploring sexuality: How to Get Comfortable. Would you read it and tell us what you think? I like that it discusses how to move forward when you want something but feel afraid, and how you might build circumstances that can help you feel secure.

i also worry that im too young?...

I understand why you're worrying about this- sexual exploration is often seen as a milestone of adulthood. Still, I wonder if another framing or perspective would help you here. Exploring your sexuality or having sex doesn't need to mean that your childhood is over. I think there are many older people who look back on their lives and see their early sexual explorations as a part of their childhood or youth. You can have sex when you want it and are ready- you won't be losing anything significant in the process.

also would i have to get tested afterwards even if they test negative if we do do anything to be safe or is that only if symptoms show?

It is a good idea for anyone to get tested regularly when they're having sex, but if both of you are clear before you have protected sex you shouldn't need to do so immediately. Two things to note: testing immediately doesn't always catch everything, because some STIs have a longer window than others before they show up on tests. Also, there aren't always obvious symptoms when someone has an STI.

You're right that it is difficult to reach a zero percent risk with certain activities, even when you take precautions. I know how that kind of uncertainty can be really anxiety-inducing. I have a question: what would you need to feel comfortable in your ability to handle such risks?

I want to touch on something from earlier in this conversation: were you able to open up a conversation with your parents around sex and sexuality? Is it that your mother is still judgemental after that conversation? I think having your parents support will make it much easier to access testing services and mitigate any risks from sex, so I wanted to clarify this first.

[SillyMcGoof_]

hi latha!

that article helps a lot. im still having a bit of anxiety mainly due to trauma related reasons of like “oh what if its a facade and ill end up getting hurt” and stuff like that even when given the criteria in the article they're a safe person.

i will say i do have a decent amount of issues regarding trust, jealousy (not like the kind where im like mean to people i just bottle it up), and fear of abandonment in any of my relationships (platonic, familial, etc) which contributes to my anxiety about this stuff. i just dunno how to deal with it bc regular therapy doesn’t seem to help and i cant get intensive therapy rn bc that takes a bit to get into usually so im stuck because i dont wanna feel like that

ill ask him to get tested before we do anything just to be safe. i just dont know when i could get tested bc im really scared to talk to my parents.

i wasn’t able to open up about that yet to them cus im just really scared and idk how/when to do that and im worried they’ll be upset with me for wanting to do this stuff so early. i mean ig its not THAT early bc i turn 16 in like 2 months but yeah. to elaborate on the judgemental thing, when i mention like something about teens having sex my mom is kinda like “wtf” about it so im worried how she’ll react. my stepmom is more chill about that stuff (hell, she talked to my mom about getting me a toy) but im still worried with how they’ll react

[Latha]

Hi SillyMcGoof,

You know, getting hurt is not the only possibility. What if it is not a facade when someone is interested in you? What if being open to these relationships could make you really happy? I understand the instinct to protect yourself from getting hurt, but try to factor the chance that this could be a positive experience into your calculations. I think one of the best predictors of how a person will act in the future is how they treat you now. If they seem like a safe person now, you can proceed as though they will continue to be that way.

I've given you advice, but I know that this is easier said than done. Consciously trying to think in other ways is a part of managing anxiety, but it can't always fix everything. I'm sorry therapy isn't working for you right now, and that you are not able to get the support you need.

Do you want to discuss your specific fears a bit more? How do you think you might be hurt?

Sometimes older people feel an instinctual discomfort around young people and sex that they can move past when they have some time to think and get reassurance for their fears. I wonder if this is the case with your mother. How did she respond to the conversation with your stepmother about toys?

[SillyMcGoof_]

hiya!! you’re right. if its ok can we discuss more about the anxiety and such later when i can form my thoughts better?

on the stuff about parents, honestly that probably is the case. especially because she got pregnant with her first kid decently young which might trigger something in her. i just dont really know what to do about it. my stepmom didn’t tell me exactly what she said but she did say that my mom said it was fine. my main worry is that she’ll be fine with solo sex but freak out if i bring up me having partnered sex (not in a violent way for the record more just her being like no you’re not doing that). which sucks bc i also kinda gotta talk to her about it bc i wanna be safe and get tested for stuff just to be extra safe but im scared to talk about it bc im scared of how shell react and that shell tell me that i cant do it or get mad at me or something

[Latha]

Hi SilllyMcGoof,

Of course, we can discuss it later. By the way, you are not obligated to answer such questions.

What do you think of speaking to your stepmother first? At least, she might be able to give you an idea of your mother's position on this. She could also bring this up with your mother to discuss before you have a proper conversation with her.

I fully understand not wanting to make a parent mad or lose their trust. But someone getting mad at you or disapproving of your ideas/decisions isn't the worst thing. This is true even when that person is your parent. I'm not saying you should go against your parents, but if you disagree with them, it doesn't necessarily mean that you are wrong.

[SillyMcGoof_]

that sounds like a good plan. although i just dunno how or when to bring it up. although i should probably do it by tuesday because we have um. plans tuesday.

also i guess kinda an update we’re together now and stuffs been cool. its been kinda tricky navigating stuff bc hes also in a qpr with our mutual friend and they also have sex and stuff sometimes which im fine with but also sometimes the jealousy and insecurity and anxiety creeps in and idk what to do about that cus i feel like an ass for feeling that way and im worried im gonna make things bad or weird or awkward with said friend and that everything is gonna go bad because of me idk

[CaitlinEve]

Hey SillyMcGoof_,

I'm glad to hear that you're together and that stuff has been going well!

It's natural that stuff can be a bit difficult to navigate because it's new for you! Have you been in a relationship like this before? This article may help you navigate it, if you'd like to give it a read!

Polyamory and open relationships aren't for everybody and if you find that the jealousy/insecurity/anxiety is too much for you, it's okay to discuss that with your partner. It doesn't make you a bad person to have human emotions, the same way it wouldn't make your partner a bad person for not having the same feelings regarding open relationships as you.

[SillyMcGoof_]

hi! thanks for the help!!

we did discuss it and in terms of like romantic stuff we’re mono. its just that hes still with his qpr because they’ve been together a lot longer which im ok with.

i just really dont know what to do about my parents tho and telling them about all this ough. im worried they wont like him

[Sam W]

Hi SillyMcGoof_,

With your parents, what if you focused first on just introducing them to him, and him to them, and letting everyone get to know each other, rather than trying to explain the full dynamic of your relationship with him and things like his other partner? Too, if it's the process of introducing them more generally that's stressing you out, this article has some good advice for how to navigate that: When Worlds Collide: Dating and Dealing With Parents

You know, even if the romantic element of this is monogamous, I think treating the dynamic as a polyamorous one makes sense, because that's what it functionally is. He has a second partner, one where it sounds like there's both an emotional and a sexual connection. Which means that the tools poly resources offer for navigating feelings around jealousy or anxiety are still likely to be really helpful here.

[SillyMcGoof_]

hi!

that sounds like a good plan, although idk how i would arrange that and im also worried they my parents wont like him.

also yeah that makes sense. thanks!

[Sam W]

You're welcome!

Is this the first time you've had to introduce a partner to your parents, or have you done it before? Too, do they generally express displeasure or dislike for people in your social circles? Or is there something specific about him that you're worried they'll disapprove of?

[SillyMcGoof_]

the only time i told then i had a partner was after i broke up with my last partner so yeah pretty much the first time.

to be honest they’ve never really met many of my friends, although sometimes they are judgemental about people i watch on youtube and stuff so im worried itll be like that. im kinda worried also because he was assigned male at birth and i was assigned female at birth so im worried they’ll be like hell no or otherwise judge him

[Sam W]

Oof, it can for sure be tricky if you're not sure how they're going to react. Have they expressed feelings or expectations about you dating (or not dating)?