questioning lesbianism and comphet

[Lyle Lanley]

i've been questioning my sexuality a lot lately, previously thinking i was bisexual, and recently came to terms with the option that i may be a lesbian.
the problem is that i have a severe lack of experience for my age, therefore i cannot discern too well what i feel.

but i know what my sexual and romantic attraction is because it's what i felt for girls. loving women feels right, it's something that brings me an immense joy and euphoria.

meanwhile, with men it's more complicated. i am a fan of lots of male celebrities and fictional characters, yet i can't tell whether i simply find them handsome and funny or if i want to have sex with them. i'm simply not sure.

and with real boys, with the little experience i have, i've always felt this sort of visceral disgust towards sexual/romantic interactions with them. when i thought about dating a boy, i thought of it as some sort of self-sacrifice or self-harm. a sense of unfullfillment, and the dating process with boys was a chore: finding a boy to date was like picking options from a menu, considering how much i liked the different ingredients of a food. all of it is the total opposite with girls, it's all more spontaneous and, as i said, joyful.

when i thought about the label of lesbian, and specifically butch, and the thought of applying it to myself made me feel euphoric. yet, now that i'm trying it on i'm questioning everything, if i have the dignity of declaring myself as such.

also on the topic of my lack of experience, i've had a few erotic dreams which i suppose could be appropriate telling.
- one i've had a few months ago, which involves this male classmate that i found handsome, and it had me and him in my home bathroom, and he exposed himself to me. i don't know whether i felt sexual arousal or just curiosity.
- this other one is from last night, and it involved me and my female best friend bathing together. the sight of her naked in an intimate context in my dream had me awaken, extremely aroused, to the point i had to masturbate as to relieve that tension so i could go back to sleep. (to be honest, this friend is also making me question things, i'll open another topic just about her)

so yes, this is it so far.

P.S. i know that whatever it is i feel for men is way milder and weaker than my love for women. eg: the dream with the male classmate invoked weaker feelings than the female best friend dream; or the way that i "love" a male rockstar does not have the same intensity as the love i have for my female crush.
if i were actually bisexual, is it normal for one attraction to be "stronger" than the other?

[KierC]

Hey there Lyle,

You can certainly be bisexual and experience different levels and forms of attraction to different genders, but I want to focus on two really important things you said: that loving women feels right, and that identifying as a lesbian or as butch feels euphoric. Honestly, I think those are really important things to understand about your identity: what feels right, and what feels joyful. I hear you, though, that you’re feeling like having less experience makes it hard to tell. Do you want to talk about those feelings a little more, or what you mean when you say don’t have the “dignity” to call yourself a lesbian?

I’m glad to hear that you’re parsing through the feelings you have for men and how it may tie into compulsory heterosexuality. Compulsory heterosexuality does a lot of work to make woman-identifying folks feel that they *need* to be attracted to “men.” This can often result in some pretty confusing and crappy feelings for women who are attracted to women but feel like they “should” be attracted to men — kind of like the disgust or feeling like it’s a chore or self-harm that you’re reporting.

Too, I should add that lesbians can be attracted to male celebrities and characters. There’s a resource out there called the Lesbian Masterdoc, and it explains that lesbian attraction to male celebrities and characters can potentially be a part of comphet, because these crushes are attainable as fantasy and simultaneously allow you to keep distance from the man. With dreaming about men, too, I think our dreams indicate less about who we’re attracted to and who we want to be in a relationship with, and more about what we’re worried about or curious about. Dreams, while they feel very powerful and real, are just manifestations of a bunch of thoughts and things we’ve seen throughout the day. Similar to crushes, they’re a fantasy that allows us to think through tough topics while maintaining a safe distance. Overall, I think it indicates more that you’re thinking about these topics a lot. Know what I mean?

Discovering your identity and untangling it from compulsory heterosexuality is a process that can be daunting, but it can also bring a LOT of joy, as you’ve already experienced. I think the most important lesson from comphet is that you don’t have to be attracted to someone for any reason other than it makes you happy and it feels good. My absolute favorite quote from the Lesbian Masterdoc is “attraction is supposed to feel good”: I suggest using that as a sort of North Star in times when you feel unsure of who you are. And truthfully, the words you end up using to describe your identity are only important if you want them to be. What’s more important is you having an awareness of what feels good for you and what doesn’t.

Woo! I know that was a lot, and I know this topic can bring up a lot of emotions. From one person who’s been through comphet to another, how are you feeling about all of this now?

[Lyle Lanley]

Hi KierC and thanks for your answer.

I've already explained my feelings/approaches to boys and girls and how they differ. the feelings i have for girls seem to be more... authentic? it's also true that i have been in very few relationships. and the thought that i could be bisexual instead of a lesbian is always looming over me. but the thing is, i could never see myself, as i am right now oe in the future, in a relationship with a male.

looking back on some of the characters and celebrities i crushed on, imagining the scenarios i used to make seems now icky rather than interesting.
except for one of them, and i found that out when i was discussing with another fan of his (they're hard to find) and we started making sexual comments and jokes about him. it was fun and i liked to say those things, so much so that she questioned me being a lesbian as i had told earlier.

also, you mention the lesbian masterdoc. i've read it, i relate to all of it so much so that it has described experiences i never questioned or brought up. but, there's a but. i've read that it says biphobic things and the writer of the masterdoc ha eventually come out as bi. and this friend of mine has told me the same things, that claiming that lesbians can like famous or fictional man is biphobic. she has also asked me "couldn't it be that you just hate men?" it's true, i am afraid of men and traumatised by them, and i also fear that i'm just a bisexual who is traumatised by men and lies to themselves and the world about being a lesbian.

[KierC]

Hi Lyle,

I want to first say, before jumping into a bunch of language/identity stuff, that you don’t need to use any specific words to describe your identity if you don’t want to. Too, if you decide to use specific words, such as lesbian, bisexual, or *anything*, this isn’t set in stone unless you want it to be. Identities are flexible, and it’s a perfectly valid experience to feel more comfortable using different words to describe your identity over time. There’s so much emphasis on “labels” in society, and this emphasis is most often, and unfairly, applied to queer folks — this can end up making a lot of folks feel pretty crappy and boxed in. Do you feel like your desire to find the “right” word to describe your identity is something you’d like to do, or it there some external pressure mixed in?

I’m so glad you mentioned the Lesbian Masterdoc biphobia, too — this is really important to talk about. The Lesbian Masterdoc is a piece of media akin to a journal entry/manifesto hybrid. I think it’s definitely not to be used as a prescriptive piece, and it reads to me as “food for thought” for folks wanting to see where compulsory heterosexuality may or may not show up in their lives. I do think it should be taken with a grain of salt, especially because the Doc is just one person’s experience of untangling comphet. Adrienne Rich’s work on comphet is the original source, anyway, so I would recommend her work if you’re interested.

My problem with the Doc is that it can be read as “if you’re not attracted to men, you’re a lesbian,” which we know is absolutely incorrect. In reality, there are *many* more genders than just “women” and “men.” On top of that, bisexuality encompasses attraction to more than one gender, meaning either attraction to women and men, *or* all genders, *or* that gender isn’t really a factor in attraction for you, period. So, unlike what the doc suggests, it is entirely possible for some folks who identify as bisexual to not be attracted to men.

I will say, though, you are allowed to call yourself a lesbian and also like male fictional characters and famous men. These are fantasies that don’t translate into real life unless you want them to, and there can be a multitude of reasons why someone might be attracted to a celebrity or fictional character that don’t directly involve their sexual identity. That’s not to say that every time someone is attracted to a male celebrity it’s “fake,” it’s just to say that obligate attraction to men is a salient experience for a lot of folks, and often shows up in media.

It sounds like you’re getting a lot of messages in your life about “what it means” to be a lesbian or a bisexual person. Nobody should be telling you what words you should use when talking about your identity. Regardless of what words you use, if any, those words deserve to be respected and not questioned. It’s ultimately up to you to decide what words, if any, you use. With all this being said, are you feeling like you want to use certain words to describe your identity, separate from everyone else’s expectations or thoughts? What would it feel like for you if you pressed pause on a “label” to explore more of your identity without pressure?

I’m really sorry to hear that you experienced trauma from men, and how it’s been impacting you in your other threads. If you want to talk about those feelings as they relate here, we’re happy to hear you. I want to say, too, that even if you are currently feeling traumatized or scared of men, that wouldn’t make you “secretly bi” if you don’t feel that way. And, if you end up feeling differently about men down the line, that’s okay too! As I mentioned before, you can use whatever words, if any, to describe yourself, and those can change over time. For example, I’d say that, even though the author of the Doc came out as bi, that doesn’t mean that her identifying as a lesbian wasn’t valid when she was using it. Know what I mean?