How do I get over my discomfort around male bodied genitalia?

[Demigirl09]

Hello there again,
I am Transfem and Omnisexual and I turn 15 this month. I desire to fully transition and have found myself uncomfortable at the thought of Penises and testes (attracted to Cis Guys but still feel discomfort). While I think that part of this is my own dysphoria, I am a virgin and have yet to date anyone so I can only think about this stuff Objectively and I have the tendency to overthink things. I will be going to a new school this year so hopefully I will be able to meet someone and eventually have actual experience. What can I do in the meantime to get over this discomfort?


Nat
(She/Them)

[Sam W]

Hi Demigirl09,

It sounds like you already have some sense that this feeling might be linked to your dysphoria, but it also sounds like it might be coming from an additional place as well. When you think about that discomfort, does it tend to focus on a specific thing? On what a penis can or cannot do, what a penis represents? Something else?

[Demigirl09]

Hello Sam,
So I would say if there is anything negative that if penises represent anything negative in my mind, it would be aggression as cis guys are normally the ones that talk so blatantly about them. One thing I will mention is that any relationship experiences that I have in high school (I am a rising sophomore) are more likely to be with a cis girl or an AFAB NB person being that more AFAB people are out this young compared to AMAB people so I might not have to worry about penises as much for now. In terms of identifying the cause of discomfort while I know in most cases Porn doesn’t help things about 2 weeks ago I watched guy on guy porn and after watching that I felt less discomfort, a bigger part of my discomfort is focused on the testicles and the way they hang down. Do you have any other suggestions on what I can do to feel less discomfort and disgust?

[Andy]

Hi Demigirl09,

Thank you for the helpful details!
As it seems at least part of the discomfort you feel is based in how you witnessed some people with penises act I suppose it might get better with time as you meet people who will act better than that. Because we usually interact with whole people and not just their genitalia. When we meet someone for the first time we don’t usually see what’s under their pants so if we are attracted to them or not is based on other things like their personality or appearance. And these feelings about them as a whole then often affect how we feel about specific parts of their bodies as well. Does that make sense?

In addition to that you can keep taking notice on how different things like watching porn, reading about penises, talking about it etc. make you feel about this, if they help with the feeling of discomfort or not and then seek out or avoid those activities.

And lastly, I would like to ask why do you think you have to overcome these feelings? Because it’s okay to have preferences and sometimes there even isn’t much we can do about them. And while for example saying to someone that their genitals are gross wouldn’t be an okay thing to do, deciding to date only people whose genitals don’t make you feel bad would be perfectly fine!

[Demigirl09]

Hello Andy,
So the reason why I would like to overcome this discomfort is that for me being omnisexual means being able to be in Sapphic relationships and relationships with guys. It also means being able to embrace being sexually fluid and not only be in Sapphic relationships. I hope to soon be in some type of relationship so that I can have some experience and not think of everything so hypothetically, unfortunately being an MTF Girl makes it that much harder. I imagine that things will be better as far as the discomfort goes when I am an adult and able to have surgery.
Do you have any other advice?

Thank You,
Nat
(She/Them)

[Ellie]

Hi Nat,

I’d just like to jump in and say that it’s also completely valid to be more romantically attracted to men than sexually attracted, when that’s not the same for women or other genders. That’s part of the fluidity of sexuality. As someone who is on the asexual spectrum, I too felt pretty uncomfortable around male genitalia, until I realized that it’s okay to not find it attractive. It became a lot less scary in real life when it was just a normal part of the person I loved. I now feel neutral towards genitals (still not excited or attracted) but I can pleasure my partner in ways I’m comfortable with, and being able to do that for him does feel exciting. You never have to do anything or interact with anyone in ways that make you uncomfortable. I know that porn can set unrealistic expectations for what sex is supposed to look like, but it can look like anything you want! I hope that you can feel affirmed in your omnisexuality knowing that it’s valid to not want to have sex in certain ways with certain people.