Should fingering hurt?

[agapezara]

My boyfriend fingered me and I’m unsure myself how deep but he did say at one point he pretty much had his full finger in there but everytime he’s done it I couldn’t last more than a minute because the pain was unbearable and I feel upset because I do want to enjoy it and pleasure him but for some reason it just hurts so much and I just cannot enjoy one bit of it at all. I did researching but I haven’t really seen anything that makes sense to my experience. For more info that was the 2&3 time I’ve ever been fingered, I’m a virgin and I am quite small and tight compared to him if any of those reasons would make sense why it hurts? He told me if he can’t let me finger me then there’s no point in having sex which I do want to have but at the same time I asked my best friend about it and she said fingering hurts more than having sex

[Willa]

Hi Agapezara,

I want to start by saying nothing that you do when having sexual contact with another person is "supposed to" or "should" be hurtful or uncomfortable. Sex is about doing what is pleasurable for you personally and if something does not feel good or is "unbearable" that is a good sign to stop and reassess. A couple things could be happening here. The first that comes to mind is that your body may not be at a level of arousal where insertion is pleasurable. Does your boyfriend take the time to make sure you are comfortable and relaxed before you attempt to insert a finger? This is really important because things like stress or anxiety as well as a lack of mental/physical arousal can cause vaginal muscles to tighten and for insertion to be uncomfortable or even painful. Making sure both parties are relaxed, do not feel stress or pressure, and have taken the build up time to become properly aroused with the presence of lubrication is crucial before attempting insertion, especially for the first time.

Another thing I want to touch on is your boyfriends comment in "the point" of having sex. The point of sex is pleasure and connection with ourselves and others, there is no strict checklist for activities or acts that make sex more or less valid. I am sorry he said this to you and this was not a fair or kind comment to make, especially when you have been experiencing so much physical pain. I would suggest picking a time for the two of you to sit down and discuss boundaries and how to make the experience as pleasurable and comfortable for the both of you. A partner should never expect you to endure something that is so painful it is "unbearable". There are many ways to have pleasurable sex outside of insertion. Does this sound like something you would be open to? We can also discuss ways to introduce or conduct this conversation if that would be helpful as well.

[agapezara]

Yes! I’m into knowing more about pleasurable sex without insertion. Would you mind explaining more about it to me and how to do it?

Thank you for answering, we usually hump or I give him a handjob before we went right into fingering but as you’ve mentioned I do think anxiety could be part of the reason why it hurts. Like I’ve mentioned he said if fingering hurts there’s no point in having sex as I’ve mentioned I’m open and would like to have sex but I was just waiting on him being ready and he was ready that day but we didn’t have sex since the fingering hurt

[KierC]

Hi there Agapezara,

I can explain a bit about sex without insertion and how some folks go about it.

The cool thing about sex without insertion is that you have *a lot* of options to explore and find what feels good for you. There are also many erogenous zones to explore throughout the body, not just around the vulva or vagina, so it makes sense that there’s a lot of ways to have sex that don’t include insertion. You can see in this article, What’s Sex, that there’s a bunch of ways folks choose to enact sexual situations, both with and without insertion. Some methods listed that do not include insertion include:

-Kissing/Making out⁠
-Petting/Stroking/Sexual massage
-Breast or nipple stimulation
-Frottage or tribbing⁠ (rubbing against genitals⁠ or rubbing genitals together)
-Mutual masturbation⁠ (masturbating with a partner)
-Oral sex
-Incorporating sex toys, such as a clitoral vibrator
-Talking in a sexual way/sharing sexual fantasies/sexual role-play
-Cybersex, text sex or phone sex⁠ (with or without masturbation)
-Fluid-play (when people do things with body fluids for sexual enjoyment, like ejaculating on someone in a particular way)

So, there’s a lot you can explore and see what makes sense for you and your boyfriend. Something important to know, too, and perhaps discuss with your boyfriend (as he seems to be operating under an incorrect assumption about what sex is), is that these methods are all valid ways of having sex. Sex involving insertion has long been put on a pedestal as *The* Sex To Have, but that’s so outdated, from a time when “women” were “supposed” to exist for the pleasure of men. Sex is supposed to feel good for all people involved, and however that happens is a valid way of having sex. Sometimes, as well, non-insertive sex can help one feel relaxed and aroused enough to then try insertion, so it may help you ease into insertion (if that’s something you want to try again at some point) to explore these other ways of having sex.

How are you feeling about all that so far?

[agapezara]

Thank you! I’m interested in doing most of those so I’ll speak to him about doing those instead