Fear of getting pregnant is preventing me from exploring sex

[Moxy1984]

Hi guys!! Been a minute, eh? Good news, at the age of 20 I figured out how to use a tampon. What a win! Now, at the age of 21, I understand that I still continue to have pain when I attempt to have sex, or explore my body on my own. First, I have attempted to have sex at least once in my life. It hurt! Nowadays, I've been hanging out with/hooking up with a really nice dude, and since we often enjoy making out/other forms of sex besides penetration, we both like the idea of penetration. I am definitely comfortable with him, and he totally understands the importance of condoms/safer sex. I trust him with that, and yet, the idea of actually attempting to have sex is exciting, but worrying to me. While my pelvic muscles are quite tense (along with the rest of me, I've been working on my relaxation techniques for all my muscles!), I can obviously manage to insert a regular sized tampon, as well as ONE finger when exploring my body for myself. Yet, that's about all I can do. Two fingers will not cooperate, and the one time I did try penetration, it was painful, and we didn't get anywhere. I want to open up my sex life and try new things, but I do have this intense anxiety about becoming pregnant. With all that is going on in the world with abortion, it is quite scary. Currently I am taking birth control, and I would obviously use a condom with this guy when we eventually hang out again, but my body just does NOT want to believe that those two forms of protection are good enough. I definitely understand that these two forms of protection can be almost perfectly effective (if used right), but I hear so many stories about people getting pregnant no matter how safe they are. I try to look up articles about if anyone else has this anxiety, but all the results are "how to be happy with an unplanned pregnancy". What could I do to both relax myself during sex/masturbation, and what can I do to ease my crippling fear of having a baby? I have also thought about buying a toy for myself to practice with/get my body used to the feeling.

[KierC]

Hi Moxy1984, and welcome back to the boards

I’m glad to hear that you’re seeing some progress with tampon insertion. As you know, addressing pelvic pain and tightness can be longer process, but it’s great when you get to celebrate progress. Is there something specific you learned or did that helped you comfortably insert a tampon?

I’m sorry to hear, though, that you’re still having pain with insertion, especially during sex with a partner. I know it can be really frustrating when it’s hard to relax during sex/masturbation, especially when anxiety around pregnancy risk during sex is also a contributing factor. Before getting into pregnancy anxiety, I read in your last post you briefly mentioned that your doctor recommended physical therapy, perhaps pelvic floor physical therapy. Did you end up looking more into that as an option to relieve some pelvic floor tightness?

Aside from pelvic floor physical therapy, there are a few things I’d like to offer that might help you relax during masturbation/sex:

1. Relaxation and deep breathing techniques: It sounds like you’re already practicing this, but continuing to take the time to center yourself in whatever room you’re in, and breathe for a bit without any immediate expectation of insertion can help ease the muscles in your body.

2. Dilator sets can help ease into more insertion by slowly stretching the pelvic floor to accommodate more size. The great thing about dilator sets is they have a range of sizes, so you can start with a size smaller than a pinky finger if you’d like, and slowly increase when you feel comfortable doing so.

2. Incorporate your own touches beforehand, and alongside your partner’s: Many people find that it’s easier to guide a partner when you already know what feels good for you. If you find that it’s more comfortable to insert one finger on your own, but insertion with a partner hurts, it may help to start by inserting a finger on your own, then guiding your partner to follow your lead.

3. Prioritize your own pleasure: Sometimes, pelvic pain can come and go. If you’re having a particularly difficulty day, or you’re feeling more pain or tightness, it’s okay to have non-insertive sex. If and when you feel like you want to try insertion with your partner:

- Give yourself what you need first: Even if you’re having a more anxious day, going through a pre-sexual-activity self-care routine can go a long way to easing up anxiety-related pelvic floor tension.

- Set aside plenty of time to warm up (foreplay, application of lube, etc.)

- Start slowly, only increasing size/intensity if you feel comfortable, and taking a break if you’re experiencing discomfort.

Regarding the anxiety you’re experiencing surrounding pregnancy risk, it sounds like knowing the increased effectiveness of the combination method still hasn’t helped ease your anxiety. I hear you, too, that the way abortion rights is playing out in this country isn’t helping. Thankfully, your state is still a legal abortion state, to the extent that it is becoming a safe haven for folks in nearby states seeking abortion care. But I hear you that this might still pose a deeper anxiety. Is anxiety something you’re struggling with in general, where a mental health professional may be able to help? I want to note, too, that if sexual activity that poses a pregnancy risk causes anxiety, it’s okay to not take part in those activities. How does that all sound to you?

[Moxy1984]

Really good advice! I have considered physical therapy before, but I wanted to see if there was anything I could do on my own first. I've been looking at certain stretches and such, but if it still continues to be painful, I may consider physical therapy again. I'll get there!

[KierC]

You absolutely will get there! If you have any questions, too, about what pelvic floor PT might look like, we can certainly talk about that too.

[Sam W]

I also want to toss in our series by a pelvic health therapist, which includes a lot on how to care for your pelvic floor, what to expect at various appointments, and the signs of different pelvic health issues: Pelvis Problems !

[Moxy1984]

I see! Useful as well. I have noticed, while putting in a tampon for example, the pain is only really present at the entrance of my vagina and my cervix(which feels slightly more narrow and a bit bumpy, I think that's what it is, please correct me if I'm wrong lol). Once the tampon is past the threshold, I don't really feel it (as it should be!). There is also slight pain/discomfort in my cervix/entrance when taking out the tampon, but it seems to be putting anything in there in the first place that seems to be the problem!

[Moxy1984]

I see! Useful as well. I have noticed, while putting in a tampon for example, the pain is only really present at the entrance of my vagina and my cervix(which feels slightly more narrow and a bit bumpy, I think that's what it is, please correct me if I'm wrong lol). Once the tampon is past the threshold, I don't really feel it (as it should be!). There is also slight pain/discomfort in my cervix/entrance when taking out the tampon, but it seems to be putting anything in there in the first place that seems to be the problem!

[Latha]

Hi Moxy1984!

Just to make sure I understand you correctly, I want to ask a question: Would you say your cervix is deep inside your vagina? As in, upwards and towards the back?

[Moxy1984]

Yes, I believe it is pretty average; slightly upwards and towards the back of the vaginal canal.

[Sam W]

So, it's hard to say what's causing the discomfort since we're not healthcare providers and can't go through an exam with you. However, if the pain is only at the front part of your vaginal canal and at the vaginal opening, then that's not likely involving the cervix. The cervix is at the back of the vaginal canal (it basically functions as the "end" of it unless you're a sperm cell). If the pain IS in the back when you remove a tampon (or when you insert one, for that matter), then that could be about the cervix being bumped depending on the angle and depth of the movement.

[Moxy1984]

Right, understood. I know y'all are not healthcare people, but the advice that I have learned on these boards has been super helpful with the questions I should ask when I'm with my doctor! Question, if one can feel their cervix with a finger, how is it supposed to feel?

[Latha]

Hi Moxy1984!

Yes, it is possible to touch your own cervix. For a self-examination, use gloves or wash your hands and make sure your nails have no sharp or jagged edges. The cervix sits at the very end of the vaginal canal and might be easier to reach during certain parts of your cycle, like around your period. It tends to feel smoother than the vaginal walls - you could compare it to the tip of a nose or a chin with a dimple in the middle.

You can try to see your cervix by holding up a mirror, but it might be a bit difficult without a tool like a speculum. You could ask a doctor to help you with this during a pelvic examination.