Penises freak me out!!! A a ton of other questions

[DulceDiva]

I've never had any experience with dating & I'm and attracted to men but I've seen their anatomy via the internet. I just think they're weird looking. I have no idea why.
Also performing oral sex on men is not something I'm interested in it seems so demeaning as depicted via the internet. I suppose it wouldn't be fair to request oral sex if I wouldn't be giving any. I still haven't experienced any urges to masturbate ( I've been having issues with this see my other posts for details). Why do guys think lesbians are hot?

[isxlatedd]

Hey hun! So I'm just gonna guess you're a bit younger than 13 or 14 maybe? I used to think the exact same thing about the male anatomy and really did up until I started dating my real first proper boyfriend. Your opinion might change as you get into more relationships maybe, or maybe as you get older, or when you start explore your sexual preferences so there is no rush. Keep to what you like and feel comfortable with and disregard others opinions because they aren't you. And when you want to get Into that stuff then really you just have to ask your partner what they want and are willing to do and just work it out. As for masturbation, the urges come at different time for people, it's no problem whether you want to or not or whether you do or don't. And for the lesbian thing, I have no clue lol but remember not all guys think that's hot.

[DulceDiva]

I'm 17 lol , do I really come off that young. I'd like to get some experience before I go off to college which is supposed to be the sexual prime. I think I have this innocent good girl reputation. In school this guy seemed shocked that I let out an expletive. I don't wanna be seen as a nun , I certainly don't dress like one. I dress in what I like & what meets dresscode.

[groudon17]

have you heard of asexuality? it sounds like you may be asexual on some level, if sex isn't something you're that interested in, but also physically attracted to guys, but that's your own label to determine if it feels like it fits you.

[DulceDiva]

I have pondered demisexuality , I can find people I don't know attractive. I don't think oh I'd like the have sex with that person. It's like oh he's cute let's go on a date.

[Kaizen]

I feel the same way when I'm attracted to guys I don't know well. If I find myself craving anything physical with them, it's romantic/platonic rather than sexual. Mostly hugs. I'm always wanting more hugs. I've considered before whether I might be demi, but eventually I decided it really doesn't matter to me. If people were just less judgmental of how other people feel about sex, there would be less need for labels.

As for anatomy, I'd guess that you (I was the same way until I got used to my boyfriend's) just think penises look weird because you aren't used to seeing them. If everyone in the world wore long skirts whenever they had clothes on, we'd probably think legs looked weird when we first saw people naked. And in that case we'd at least have seen our own legs!

And about oral, I agree with isxlatedd. It's not really something to worry about until you're in a relationship with someone who is interested in doing it. At that point, if you don't want to do it, you can say you don't want to do it. Nothing unfair about it. But you might feel differently when the question is, "Do I want to have oral sex with [boyfriend]", rather than "Will I someday want to have oral sex with a guy who's currently hypothetical, who I can't help picturing as acting exactly like what I've seen on the Internet."

[DulceDiva]

Maybe you're are right & once I get a partner & a bit of experience I'll get over it. How do I cast away the good girl act without becoming bad? I dance twice a week & am president of a club at school. On the weekends I intern at a salon. I don't really attend school events other that & mandated things for clubs. I try my best to be kind to everyone & I have friends at school. Some people have suggested that I intimidate guys , I don't really but into that. How can I actively change my situation , maybe I should join a dating app when I'm 18 ?

[Kaizen]

I'm not really sure what you mean by the "good girl act" or "becoming bad"...

And how are you trying to "change your situation"? Getting "experience"? From what I've heard, doing sexual things with people just for the sake of "practice" or being able to say you've done them usually doesn't turn out to be worthwhile. (And I've never liked the phrase "get a partner"... I don't want to be "got". I'm not a latte, a car or tickets to a show. )
If you're just looking to meet people that you might like to do sexy things with, though, then you seem to have the right idea. Get to know more people, and then when you find someone you're interested in, let them know. Any guy who's just intimidated because he's shy and you're awesome will be honored to be approached by you. Any guy who's intimidated because he doesn't want a girl who knows she's awesome (the bad kind of intimidated) will react negatively and thus reveal himself as someone you don't want to be with anyway.

[DulceDiva]

I think the fact that i'm so responsible always doing my work & such makes me seem unavailable?? I let out an expletive in class once & this guy was shocked. How do I get to know more people , considering I that I'm already in two clubs & do not want to join another at this time. Basically I want to get experience because college is supposed to have the most sexual opportunities & I want to know what I like before I get there.

[Emma]

Hi, DulceDiva, as Kazien said, "doing sexual things with people just for the sake of "practice" or being able to say you've done them usually doesn't turn out to be worthwhile". Feeling like you need to experiment to be "ready for" college will probably lead you to feel pressure surrounding your sexual experiences, and pressure is decidedly unsexy (and can be unsafe, if it overrides your judgement). You may be surprised at the number of people you meet in college who are sexually inexperienced (even if they don't come right out and say so) and there's nothing bad or slow about that. Let your personality and your wants and needs dictate the moves you make in terms of your sexuality, not an idea of what you "should" do or what's "supposed" to happen!

[Heather]

If you have not yet seen it, "The To Do List" is a film that basically shows exactly this kind of approach as the outright farce that it is. And it's funny, so it might be a good way for you to see why this is so problematic in a way you can laugh at, rather than feel bad about.

Honestly, DulceDiva, in general it seems to me you are coming at sex and sexuality in a really problematic way. Long story short, if it all feels like something you have to prepare for like you would an exam, it's no wonder all of this has felt so labored for you. Sex and sexuality are supposed to be about seeking physical and emotional pleasure, and that means simply going for what you enjoy and what feels pretty relaxed and chill.

I'd also add that no one is going to know all, or even a great deal, of what they like sexually so early in life, even if and when before you leave high school, you have a whole bunch of partners. Sexuality is a lifelong learning process, and something that develops over time, not something anyone can push fast forward on without missing a whole lot of important stuff (including the experience of coming at this in a way that doesn't feel like homework).

Why not simply learn as you go, which is all anyone can do anyway? You're not going to be graded on your sexual performance in college, after all: you get to go there and have the experiences you have as new experiences, which will be where most of your fellow students are at with it all, too. Piling all the stuff unto this that you are just isn't going to result in what you're looking for it to in the first place, and is also likely to make what sexual experiences you do have -- with masturbation, with partners -- a lot less fun and enriching than they would be otherwise.

[DulceDiva]

I WANT to experience the physical & emotional pleasure you're talking about. I'm worried that my commitment to academics puts guys off because they think I don't have time for anything else or that they think that I'm not interested in things besides academics which is NOT true. How can I show that I'm interested ? I'm not interested in a particular person at the moment.

[Karyn]

It's a bit tricky to answer that, because a big part of showing that you're interested in having sex with someone is, well, having a someone(s) in mind. Even if you generally want to explore sex, and someone expresses interest in you, if you're not interested in them then it's not likely to be very enjoyable (for either party). I get that you're frustrated, but it's not like your wanting to have sex suddenly flips a switch in the universe somewhere so that opportunities suddenly present themselves to you. Asking how to make that happen is like asking how to make friends when you don't have anyone in mind who you would like to build a friendship with, you know?

There are things you can do to broaden your social circle and increase the chances of meeting someone that you might be interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with, but beyond that, there isn't much you can do. It does sound to me like you might be approaching this as if there are a set of steps to follow, but it doesn't work like that.

[DulceDiva]

It seems to flipping switches for others lol . I'm not going to have sex with someone I'm not interested in. Considering that , I suppose if I want to increase my chances I should just go out more in general. Despite my kind manners I'm not frequently invited to things. I suppose I'll have to do the inviting .

[Heather]

By all means, if and when we want to meet people, we've got to be active in doing the meeting, we can't usually be passive about it with much success.

The same goes for pursuing people as romantic or sexual partners. We can't ever just figure they'll bring that to us if it's something we want. We have to be doing our fair share of the initiating and putting that clearly out there -- not with hints, but with words, to specific people. So, if you're concerned everyone think you only have focus on academics, then you've got to put yourself in places where that isn't the focus and then go ahead and meet and greet people, and do some of the follow-up after you meet someone you're interested in, like asking them out instead of waiting for them to ask you.

[DulceDiva]

I will be bold & invite people to do things , also when I'm a bit older I'll join an online dating platform.