Stuck in fetish - how to branch out?

[DazzleJess]

So, I have a fetish-related question, and I'm fairly sure this actually is one and not just a kink/preference: my arousal is linked to an object that has nothing to do with sex, and this has been the case since childhood (back when I didn't yet understand what the "weird but funny feeling that made me feel embarrassed to have in front of others" was that it gave me). I feel decently comfortable with it nowadays, though I find unsolicited arousal when encountering the object in regular sitations unpleasant because it's a struggle to ignore. Mainly though, it bothers me that it's a requirement for me to feel arousal at all when I would like it.

I've identified other (more general) topics that mentally get me in the right mood and while I can have some fun masturbating to those, the experiences are generally shallow and disappointing because my body doesn't really respond. So far no matter what I try, nothing but my fetish makes me actually wet/sensitive/[insert other characteristics of physical arousal here]. I realize the key with sexuality is acceptance and not forcing yourself, but I find it genuinely disappointing to be so limited. So I'm curious, are there things I could try to make my mind more open-minded (lol)?

Thanks for reading!

PS: I'm sorry and let me know if this belongs in a different thread than the newbie questions, I just put it here since it's a first post

[Latha]

Hi DazzleJess, welcome to the boards! Yes, this question can go here.

I think you're already on the right track: the key to finding new interests is to explore in an open-minded way. Beyond that, I can't say that there is any surefire way to find other things that will make you feel aroused.

You could try to start with the things you like about your fetish. Are there aspects of it that you can find in other situations? Or can you incorporate this fetish into fantasies that involve the other topics that you like?

[DazzleJess]

(I think my answer got eaten when I tried to submit it so hopefully this doesn't double post-)

Thank you for your reply and the welcome, Latha

In that case, I wonder if there even is more I can do. The "identifying other topics" that I mentioned was pretty much what you described - figuring out the elements of and contexts in which I enjoyed my fetish object the most, and then seeing if those can stand on their own. I hoped I could maybe redirect the response somehow through association. But they can't stand on their own since they only bring mental arousal, in much the same way that the object can't stand on its own since it only brings physical. It's like I always need both of them to get a fullfilling experience. While it is useful to understand that it works that way for me, it doesn't take away the frustration of feeling boxed in :/

Maybe a useful sidenote is to admit there is a slight undertone of "I wish I could get rid of this" to my experiments. It's not that I fully hate my fetish and feel super bad about it, but I don't exactly like it either. Perhaps also because it's simply difficult to find good content of something niche, and fantasies aren't cutting it (actually fantasizing is a problem for me in general, it feels forced and takes so much focus that I lose track of what I'm doing and feeling, rather than being something that comes up naturally).

While "abstaining" from the fetish for a while to test the other interests, I did notice less of an involuntary reaction to it in non-sexual contexts which I liked. It was also interesting because if I could reduce the response to this then could I maybe increase it for another stimulus? But it made masturbation so boring that I eventually reincorporated it.

I'm trying to logically structure this but feel like I end up just rambling left and right. And kinda like, what you said, perhaps I am on the right track and have as much of an answer as I'm gonna get, so it feels a little silly to keep overanalyzing. I tend to struggle with situations where the advice is "go with the flow" though, haha. At least it feels good to finally explicity go through these feelings that have floated around undiscussed for a long time.

[Sam W]

Hi DazzleJess,

I'm glad having a place to sort through these feelings is helpful for you!

Can you say a bit more about the difference between mental and physical arousal in these instances? In other words, when you engage with things other than the fetish and find they mentally turn you on, what physical elements feel like they're absent for you? And can you give me a sense of what happens when you combine the fetish with other things you enjoy?

I think it's useful to have the clarity to know that part of your experimentation is coming from hoping to get rid of this, and that getting rid of it may not be something you can really do. If I'm hearing you right, it sounds like the fetish is a source of frustration rather that something like repulsion, and that the main reason for that is it feels like it's limiting you. One way of framing this is that while this might limit things like arousal or orgasm, or make it so they're more likely to--or only--happen in certain contexts, that doesn't mean it has to limit pleasure. There are still other ways to incorporate that into solo or partnered sex.

[DazzleJess]

Hi Sam, yeah, I'd be happy to elaborate!

You are correct that this is not an issue of repulsion but rather frustration from feeling limited. Perhaps it's also partially confusion: there are things I clearly find sexually interesting, why don't they do anything physically?

What I mean by mental arousal is a giddiness sort of feeling. I would describe it like anticipation excitement; it makes me giggly/blushy and is basically the concept of sex being put on my mind as something that sounds fun right now. Physical arousal, for me, entails a feeling of swollenness and wetness of my vulva, and heightened sensitivity of my whole body including genitals. Those are the things that are missing when I leave out the fetish: the mental arousal drives me to start, but with the above physical aspects missing (mainly the sensitivity I think is the issue), touching myself simply doesn't feel that good. That goes for both genital stimulation and sensual touching in general - it feels like I'm just touching my body normally. There is no response other than tickliness or irritation depending on what I try and for how long.

When combining my fetish with the other interests, the fetish absolutely takes the foreground. The other elements get me started but they end up forgotten very quickly while my mind tunnel visions on the fetish. Trying to keep them there takes effort and can take me out of the moment (like the fantasizing thing I described). Even though it's more satisfying than without fetish, I can feel disappointed afterwards with going the familar way again while trying to explore something new.

Finally: I agree that a mental shift is more likely to help than finding some magical turn on button, so I'm curious what you mean with finding pleasure without orgasm/arousal? I find it difficult to feel satisfied without orgasm but understand that doesn't always happen. However, I don't see how sexual pleasure works without touch feeling good at all? I don't find the mental aspect pleasurable in and of itself, because it's only the drive to get going, marked by a sensation of wanting something to be satisfied.

[Sam W]

Thank you for those details!

With touch not feeling like much without engaging with the fetish, are there kinds of touch or other sensations that feel physically pleasurable to you in some way, even if that pleasure is explicitly sexual? I'm thinking of things like massage, touching your skin with specific items, etc.

I also wonder if some of the advice in this article might help you find a bit more harmony between the things you find mentally arousing/are more interested in engaging with and that physical experience of arousal. The author does touch on fantasy, but I think a lot of the piece can also be applied to connecting with desire and pleasure more generally: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms.

Do you think it might help to view the fetish as almost like a sex toy? Something that helps you reach orgasm or intensifies the physical pleasure of the moment, but isn't the only thing that helps you feel aroused or excited (since it sounds like you do feel those things, they just don't automatically correspond to the more physical aspects of desire).

[DazzleJess]

I'm going to guess you meant to say "even if that pleasure isn't explicitly sexual" from the context of the paragraph on physical pleasure - if so, maybe warm water or radiant heat on my skin like sunlight or a fire? I do find some kinds of touch by others to be relaxing but "by others" is the key phrase there - I am not in a partnered sexual relationship and don't know if I even want to be. Besides, this touch is very strongly linked for me to platonic affection so I don't want to incorporate it in sex, if I'm right in assuming that's what you were implying.

That article is one I read before, but I'll go back to it and give the things the author suggests some more thought and tries.
Letting myself go and not flinching at thoughts in general is something I've been working on so it would not surprise me if there is still sexual repression going on I might not know about. I mean, it's less than a year ago I was able to actually hold a conversation with myself about what things I'm into without cringing away, and I also became more accepting of my fetish then though that has existed for as long as I can remember. So I have much to learn and might be able to achieve more with fantasy than I think possible right now.

I also like your suggestion of treating the fetish like a sex toy, I hadn't considered that! That way it feels less like "this is apparently what I'm into and I can't change that" and more like a tool. And hey, plenty of people need some tools to get off.

[Sam W]

I'm glad my framing it that way was helpful! And it's awesome that you've be practicing and learning to be more comfortable with sex as a broader topic. I think you're right that you may notice change as you continue developing that comfort.

When it comes to exploring touch or physical sensation, that is indeed what I meant! I do think that, if you're not currently in, and not sure you're interested in, partnered sex, it does make more sense to focus on building a positive and enjoyable sexual relationship with yourself, and figuring that if/how you incorporate that into partnered sex will be a bridge you cross when you get to it.

[DazzleJess]

I agree with your point on not worrying about partnered sex yet, it's impossible to predict now how I'll feel in a situation like that if it occurs.

Thank you for the discussion and advice, I'll keep up the trying new things :)

[Sam W]

You're very welcome!