Coming out at school

[Jay27]

I’ve been going by they/them pronouns during my summer job and I really like it. I’m an office assistant at an LGBTQ center. I have a few trans coworkers and everyone’s nice to me. Outside of work, I’m only out to my girlfriend and my 2 best friends. My college leans liberal and all the professors ask for pronouns. I’ve been feeling more gender neutral lately and the thought of saying “she/her” for myself feels unbearable. But I also don’t feel ready to come out at school because i haven’t fully accepted myself yet. It feels too personal and I don’t want attention. It’s stressing me out so much!

[KierC]

Hi, Jay!

I’m really, really glad to hear that your summer job coworkers treat you well — it sounds like a great place to be, and what a wonderful thing to have a solid, respectful community at work.

I’m also glad to hear that you’ve been exploring what pronouns feel good for you to use. It sounds, though, like the thought of coming out in a public way is giving you a lot of stress. I want to say first, that you don’t need to tell anybody how you identify unless *you* want to. Though, by the same token, if you want to come out for *any* reason, you can come out. For example, you don’t need to be fully realized in your identity before telling people how you’d like to be viewed/treated/spoken about.

I’ll say, too, coming out doesn’t have to be a public event — to be honest, coming out happens a lot in intimate conversations with those who you know care about you, and if the only people you feel comfortable knowing right now are your friends, that is okay! Coming out also looks different depending on who you’re coming out to. So, while coming out to your friends may be more of a personal conversation, coming out to a professor might look a bit more straightforward. Does that make sense?

We have an article on coming out, and I think it might help with some of these anxieties, too. The article goes through some considerations and questions to ask yourself before you plan to come out, and I think those questions are really relevant here.

I’m going to stop there for now, but how are you feeling about all of that?

[Jay27]

The main thing I’m worried about is introducing myself in classes and student orgs with my pronouns. I don’t know if I feel comfortable saying I use they/them, but I also don’t like misgendering myself.

[Anya]

Hi Jay,

That does sound really stressful. I won't claim to know your exact experience, but it sounds very similar to what I've experienced in my life as well. I use they/them pronouns and have for almost 3 years! It feels exciting to even say. I feel so proud of myself in the past for being able to speak up for myself when I wanted to and keep it private when I was feeling like it. Neither you nor I owe anyone our gender. It's ours in all of its growing and expanding glory. When I first came out to my friends I used she/they pronouns, then they/she, and then finally they/them. I find it important to remember that pronouns arent gender, they are the language we use to get across how we'd like to be addressed in relation to our gender. Telling someone your pronouns might feel like you are exposing yourself in front of complete strangers, and that's super scary, and yes, can sometimes be dangerous, but in safe(r) situations, especially ones structured to ask pronouns alongside names, you are allowed to say whatever feels the most comfortable and right in that moment, whether outside that context it feels true or not.

Feeling comfortable advocating for myself and resting assured I was doing the "right" thing was a long road. It took me a while to realize that what was "right" for me was just what I deeply wanted and felt was true. It had nothing to do with the way others perceived me, the way people might react, if I was ever going to change my mind, or if I was doing the "wrong" thing. There is no script for coming out and feeling good that suits everyone, so "right" and "wrong" just go straight out the window. It's about what makes you feel good, alive, respected, and loved by yourself first as well as others. You have every right to tell some people and not others, no one, or everyone that walks down the street by you.

I wish I could tell you whether or not or who to come out to in your classes and student orgs, but that is something only you can decide. I will say though, humans are constantly evolving and there is zero shame in making decisions that change. I trust that you will do the best you can with the environment you have and truly that's all we can do.

[Jay27]

I’ve been thinking more about it and I’m probably going to introduce myself with my new pronouns in class and in school clubs. I don’t want to go backwards, and my dysphoria doesn’t really give me a choice.