Worried about masturbation.

[Foreverl0st]

So I masturbate at most twice a week, usually just in the week before my period starts.
I don't like the way I feel after I do it though, and I'd like to stop.
But at the same time, my libido gets super high over that one week, and going without is pretty hard.
This makes me worried that I'm addicted to masturbation, or the erotic fanfiction I use as an aid.
Any tips or ways for me to be more sure if it is an addiction?

[Jacob]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad after masturbation! Any idea why that might be?

I personally don't think addiction is a useful way to think about this. There's nothing extra here that isn't accounted for by "people get aroused sometimes" - like when you say your libido is higher around your period, that sounds like the textbook situation for masturbating to me!

It sounds like that desire is strong enough to make it worth it for you in the moment, but then afterwards you have something making you feel bad after the fact, probably because that desire has been satisfied!

Getting those two parts of yourself to get along with eachother seems like it might be a slightly better way to try and deal with this.

Maybe there's something nice you could do for yourself as post-masturbation aftercare?

[Foreverl0st]

I don't know.
most of the time I wish I could just make the urges go away, because I always feel so horrible afterwards, and it gets pretty overwhelming.
I try to ignore to urges, but I can't always control them, and I regret losing control every time.

[Ro S]

Hey there Foreverl0st,

Could you describe the ways you feel after masturbation to me? You mentioned it's overwhelming and I'm wondering if I can provide any advice based on what you're feeling afterwards. I want to acknowledge that masturbating can take up a lot of our physical and mental energy so doing some self-care afterwards like Jacob mentioned can help us re-integrate into our everyday lives more smoothly.

Also, it sounds to me like you're generally wanting to not masturbate. You mentioned that you masturbate infrequently and want those urges to go away. Is there any particular thoughts or ideas that you have related to masturbation in your body?

[Foreverl0st]

Well, usually I get nauseous and feel guilty, and also tend o get really sad for no reason.
Also sometimes angry.
It feels suffocating.

I don't really from a resting standpoint have strong opinions on masturbation. Most sexual activity feels weird to think about, and usually when I masturbate it's just to make the urges go away.
Sexually I never really seem to have strong feelings, usually I feel things more romantically than sexually.

[Ro S]

Hey there,

Thanks so much for the reply! I think it's pretty common for a lot of feelings to come up during/after masturbation. Anger and sadness I've seen as very common! Masturbation can get us to spend time with ourselves and often times when the physical release happens during orgasm, emotional release can also happen. I get that what you're feeling isn't necessarily all that pleasant though.

I'm curious about the guilt you're feeling. Do you have a sense of what this guilt is connected to?

[Foreverl0st]

No, not really. It's just a massive wave of guilt. I don't really know what causes it.

[Andy]

Hi Foreverl0st,

I hear you on finding it hard to pinpoint where exactly do your feelings about masturbation come from, after all, we usually get often different messages about it from so many sources like our family, friends, school or media. I’m wondering if it would help to give this article and this advice column a read to see if there is maybe some specific part of it that especially resonates with you which could help us find ways to work through that guilt better.

[Foreverl0st]

I guess that kinda makes sense.
I understand that it's normal, and doesn't cause problems, I just always end up feeling terrible afterwards.

I guess the guilt might come from how quickly and hard my parents beat into me and my sisters that any form of sexual activity or sexual want was bad outside of marriage, but I don't feel like I believe that.

[Sam W]

Hi Foreverl0st,

I'd say those messages from your parents may be playing a role here. Even if you don't believe them, when that kind of messaging gets drilled into us from a young age, it can kind of linger under the surface, even when we've decided that we think it's nonsense. Then it pops up when we DO try to engage with sex, even solo sex, on our own terms. Do you think it would be helpful to have some resources on how to unlearn those messages?

[Foreverl0st]

Yeah, that might be helpful.
Worth a shot, in the least.

[HannahP]

Hi Foreverl0st!

I hope you don't mind if I jump in with some resources. We have a couple of articles on this topic that I think might be helpful.

The first is Undoing Sexual Shame. I love that this article has a step by step approach you can take to help identify where the negative sexual feelings you're having are coming from and untangle them.

Next this article about masturbation is from our Impurity Culture series, which was all about helping readers recover from evangelical purity culture messaging: Impurity Culture: Masturbation Is Self-Care. I'm not sure if your family is specifically evangelical Christian from what you've said so far, but even if they're not, I think this article and possibly the whole series (Welcome to Impurity Culture) would be a good fit for you.

How about you start by taking a look at those and telling us what you think? Does this framework resonate with you?

[Foreverl0st]

Sure, I can look at them. I'm kinda busy tonight, but sometime tomorrow or the day after I can read through them and message back what I think.

[HannahP]

No problem! Take your time, we'll be here whenever you're ready.