uncertainties in bed and the desire to better manage my partner’s BDSM preferences.

[WeeWee]

Hello everyone,

I’m looking for advice on a few interconnected concerns about my sexual performance and self-image. I find that I reach climax very quickly, which I suspect might be a result of developing a habit of "rushing" during self-pleasure. Initially, I thought this might be due to nervousness, but I no longer believe that’s the case. My partner thinks about sex much more frequently than I do, and I feel inadequate in bed. She has a strong interest in BDSM and dominance, areas in which I have little experience but am trying to explore. I believe that learning to last longer and better manage my sexual performance could improve my confidence and overall enjoyment in our intimate life. The anxiety about potentially being "bad" in bed impacts my sexual desire, and I’m hoping to get some insights on how to address these issues.

[Jacob]

Hey there!

I wonder if it wouldn't be better to work with the sexual response you already have rather than trying to make it be something else.

It probably wasn't anything you did, but is just how your body works!

I think one of the things that makes people want to "last longer" is narrowing down sex too much and having it end when a penis-y orgasm happens!

So I'd propose maybe bringing this up with your partner, talk about how to incorporate it, either by working out what activities you can do after you've orgasmed or how you can delay the kinds of activities which will lead to orgasm and focus on your partner until you're ready.

Being "good" at sex is going to be more about the confidence you'd show by being able to talk about sex and get to know eachother including adjusting how you have sex vs being able to a specific act a specific way.

[WeeWee]

Thanks for the response!

Do you have any tips on how to show dominance in general? Not just in bed, but also in everyday life—small actions or habits that convey dominance? Every time I try something "dominant," it feels awkward or wrong. On the other hand, there are things I don’t do because they seem odd to me, but might actually be exactly what’s needed. How can I figure out what works and what doesn’t?

[Sam W]

Hi WeeWee,

So, that question isn't one with a specific set of answers, for a few different reasons. The first is that, if this is specifically about interactions with your girlfriend, she's the one who can tell you what having a partner act "dominant" means to her. And in the case of everyday life, not only is what's "dominant" going to vary depending on cultural elements, it's often not the main thing to focus on in our interactions with other people; trying to "dominate" an interaction, even in tiny ways, tends to lead to pointless competition rather than actually connecting with people.

Too, while you can for sure try out different dynamics or ways of presenting yourself in an interaction, at a certain point, if whatever your girlfriend is envisioning as dominance just doesn't feel fun or comfortable to you, you don't have to keep trying. Often, we tend to have better sexual relationships when we focus on where our desires, and what things we're excited to try and comfortable trying, overlap with those of our partner, rather than trying to jam ourselves into something that isn't all that fun for us.

[Jacob]

Looks like me and Sam tried to answer at the same time:

I definitely wouldn't try and do that in everyday life... Think of it more as play acting, and something you agree on with your partner... it won't go down very well if you walk into public places and start telling people what to do, or start a theatrical scene with a partner without warning! That's probably why it feels awkward, and even wrong, because depending on what you mean, conveying dominance, may very well be wrong.

Dominance in BDSM can also mean a lot of things to different people. If this is something your partner is asking you to do, I'd ask them for more details on what exactly it is they're asking. And if you think that you can enjoy the nice ways it might make them feel, and participating in the play acting then that's where it's going to feel the most pleasant. If it still feels like a bad fit, and causes negative feelings remember that you don't have to do it!

With healthy relationships and consent you're looking for things you both enjoy and trying to build from there. This might a useful read for you:Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent