Thinking of leaving home tonight

[jasonrossi]

I've always had problems with my mother. I live with her and my father. However, 2 weeks ago, a terrible situation happened - we argued and she tried to str*ngle me. I was threatened with even more stuff. 2 weeks later, it's happening again - All my actions bother her, and she said she will punch me until I die.

My girlfriend (24F) invited me to live with her, but I'm really REALLY poor, like, I can't afford so much (i have a job, but...), and the apartment and bills are expensive. She say we'd figure out how to do it and it's not a big problem, but... i don't know. My father (68M) and sister (38F) are BEGGING me not to go by the consequences

My father, also, think all of this situations from my mom is ok and thats my fault. My sister is afraid of this situation impacting my money and family issues in the future. I don't know what to do, and my father has already said that he will prevent me from leaving the house because I don't have the financial resources. What should I do?

[Anya]

Hi Jasonrossi,

Welcome to the boards, we're happy to have you.

First of all, I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult and stressful situation. Your parent threatening to hurt you or physically hurting you is never okay and never justified. Parental power and the abuse of that power can be a hard thing to navigate, especially in a situation involving shared housing, so It's understandable how complicated these things can be.

When trying to figure out how to deal with a situation where you live with someone who is hurting or threatening to hurt you, I would recommend first making a safety plan for yourself. Here's is a link to one of our articles that discusses what making a safety plan can look like. Essentially, it is a lot of the same things it looks like you are already thinking about, finding trusted people in your life who can help support you, thinking of where might you be able to go if you feel that leaving is the best option, trying to look for local, reputable resources that can help you, and then deciding what your next move is to take care of yourself and limit harm. Would you tell me a bit more about what it might take to leave your current situation?

Speaking to how your sister and father reacted to you sharing what's happening, sometimes, unfortunately, when we tell our loved ones about things that really hurt us they let their own lives, biases, and preconceptions influence how they receive the information you give them, leading them to maybe not really hearing what you are saying. They can unintentionally invalidate our experiences, making us rethink if we are even hurt or in danger, when we undoubtedly are. This can feel like one of the most hurtful things about dealing with harm perpetrated by people we are close to. It may make you feel isolated in your experience because the people who are supposed to be on your side aren't, and that makes it even harder to stand up for what you need and deserve, but I promise you are not alone in this experience.

As someone myself who has also experienced that moment of "I don't know that I can stay here, but how could I possibly leave?", I know it can be really hard to make decisions that feel like big risks, financially, interpersonally, and physically. The thing that I found most important was to ask myself what truly made me feel happy and safe. When I was able to just imagine my life as I wished it was, in my mind I was out of that house and comfortably living with someone else who cared about me and wouldn't even think about hurting me in that way. When you know what feels like the safest and most comfortable place for you to be, you can start to then think about how to get there, and what it might take to maintain that situation. Does that make sense?

[Sam W]

Hi jasonrossi,

In addition to everything Anya said, I want to emphasize that it would be best if you could get out of the house as soon as possible, even if that's to a temporary solution while you make longer term plans. Right now, you're in a place where your parent has already tried to severely harm you and is threatening to do so again, and at a certain point getting out and away from that person needs to be the priority, and that's certainly something we can talk with you about, or help you find a local resource that might be able to assist you in getting away.

You mention that your father said he'll prevent you from leaving. Do you have a sense of what he means by that?