My partner doesn’t like my friends

[MountainMix]

I’ve been in a long distance relationship with my partner for almost two years. She finally moved to my city and is currently rooming with my friends to save money, but she does not like them. I really thought they would love each other and get along, but it’s the total opposite. She says they’re annoying and weird and wants to make her own friends (which I encourage). However, I am pretty sad she doesn’t like my friends and feel like she hasn’t really given herself a chance to get to know them as it’s only been two weeks. It also kinda hurts me because my friends are really important to me and she says they’re not good friends because she thinks they’re selfish, unhygienic, and annoying. She says she’ll hang out with them with me every once in a while and doesn’t expect me to drop them, but she doesn’t care to be their friends. Is it wrong of me to feel sad and disappointed about this?

[KierC]

Hi MountainMix, and welcome to the boards!

It’s not wrong at all of you to feel sad and disappointed — it sounds like there was a lot of anticipation and excitement for your partner to live close to you, and I understand how it can feel disappointing when it isn’t going how you expected for reasons out of your control.

Truthfully, someone can be a difficult roommate and an amazing friend at the same time, and I hear you that it can be really frustrating and unfair to be told that someone is a bad friend because they’re hard to live with. Being unhygienic or just unpleasant to share a living space with is not the same as being a bad friend. At the same time, though, if your partner’s first and only introduction to them was as roommates, it might be hard for your partner to view the friendship outside of how they are to live with. Does that make sense?

I think it’s a good idea for your partner to find her own friend group, and I’m glad you’re encouraging it! I think it may be wise to maybe talk to your partner about living with roommates who aren’t your close friends, just so there’s not that tension of your best friends being the people she shares a living space with. I think, too, if and when your partner moves to a different space but in the same city, it would give her the opportunity to get to know your friends as *you* know them. How do you feel about that option? Too, do you feel like you could talk with your partner about how you’re feeling here?

[MountainMix]

So things took a drastic turn today. It turns out my partner does really like one of my friends, let’s call her Lexi. It’s just she was frustrated with a few things but it got cleared up. Things became extremely heated between my other friend (Haris), her, and Lexi. Apparently Harris has been doing a lot of things that overstep both Lexi and my gf’s boundaries, as well as the other roommate who they room with. Haris has been leaving their stuff all over the common room, not cleaning, taking food from Lexi, leaving the apartment door unlocked at night, leaving the lights on which racks up the bill, and more. When my gf, Lexi, and the other roommate talked to them about it (for now the third time now), they threw a tantrum and went to their room. Lexi and my gf went out of the apartment to tell me what was happening and Haris walked by and a huge argument started. Haris started accusing my gf of calling them “an awful person” who “does things on purpose” when my gf said no thing and Lexi and my gf both told Haris that they were lying. Haris got insulted that they accused them of being a liar and said that they needed to apologize for calling them a liar. My gf and Lexi refused because they said Haris was lying to them and wouldn’t take something they believed to be true back. Haris got upset that I was “taking their side” and “ganging up on them”. They said they were hurt by all of us and wanted to have a talk with all of us about what was going on. By the end of the conversation, we all felt gaslit and confused. Lexi and my gf both say that they think Haris is manipulating the situation. I honestly am in agreement with them after witnessing what happened. My gf and Lexi are now scared to room with Haris because they were extremely aggressive after being confronted about their behavior and feel unsafe in the dorm. I’m not quite sure what to do.

[Sam W]

Hi MountainMix,

It does sound like this situation has shifted to be more about there being an ongoing issue with one roommate than about your girlfriend not liking your friends as a category. If she and your other friend are feeling unsafe as a result if what happened with Haris, do they have the option of rooming with someone else for a few days? It may also be time for everyone to take a look at the lease and start making plans to not live together, or at least not live with Haris, sooner rather than later. Too, you mentioned they're in dorms; is there anyone in the dorms who is trained to help resolve or navigate issues between residents?

[MountainMix]

Lexi, my gf, and the other roommate are going to talk to the office of the student apartments to see if they can get Haris removed from the apartment because they feel unsafe after the huge argument that happened last night. I honestly don’t know if they have a mediator or someone who can intervene in these type of situations. I really hope management can do something about it.

[Sam W]

I think that is an excellent next step on their part. If nothing else, it should give them a sense of what their options are when it comes to finding a new rooming arrangement. If it helps to know, unless a college is brand new, odds are good that the people in charge of student housing have had to navigate issues like this before, so hopefully there will be some policies and procedures in place to help resolve the situation safely.

[MountainMix]

I really hope so. If it’s not possible, I’m honestly not sure what’s going to happen. I’m very worried.

[Sam W]

That's a completely reasonable way to feel, given that it's your partner and friend group that this is unfolding in. Can you talk to your girlfriend or your two friends to see if there's any kind of concrete help you could offer them?

[MountainMix]

We’re going to create a safety plan for both of them in case things escalate again. Do you have any resources for that?

Also, I honestly have a gut feeling Haris is emotionally abusing my gf and best friend. After talking to Lexi, and also trying to piece things together, it seems like Harris has been lying about multiple things. For example, after my gf confronted them about how their appliances they left on the counter were staining the counter, they immediately said it wasn’t theirs. But when I asked everyone in the apartment whose it was, everyone said it wasn’t theirs. And when I asked the other roommate if it was theirs, they said no and that Harris said it was theirs to them. So they’re blatantly lying to my gf now. They also have dismissed my gf several times about their concerns. When my gf expressed discontent that they left ground turkey on top of their vegetarian food in the fridge, Haris said “well, at least it’s not beef” because my gf is Indian and she believes cows are sacred. It’s gotten to the point where Haris is using racial stereotypes to excuse their behavior and shrug it off. Is it reasonable for me to think that Haris is engaging in emotional abuse?

[Heather]

Hey there.

I'm not seeing anything in here that sounds like emotional abuse to me, but it certainly sounds like Haris is a terrible housemate. You can find a definition of emotional abuse and things it usually involves here, if it's helpful: https://www.scarleteen.com/read/abuse/b ... nd-assault

But someone doesn't have to be engaging in abuse to be behaving badly, or for people to not be okay with their behaviours. With or without abuse, everyone still gets to have limits and boundaries, and ask for people to act with care and courtesy.

It sounds to me like Lexi and your gf probably need to set some limits with Haris and also tell them that some of the things they have said or done are not okay with them. Is that something you think they can do?

[MountainMix]

The problem is they’ve tried many times, and each time it gets worse and worse. Yesterday happened because my gf tried to talk to Haris about their problematic behavior. They’re genuinely scared to talk to Haris now.

[Latha]

Hello MountainMix,

If your girlfriend and Lexi are afraid to speak to Haris, it may be best to have the conversation about limits in different circumstances, like when someone from the office of student apartments is present. For now, do they feel safe in their living situation? Have things simmered down a bit in their dorm, or do they have somewhere else to stay?

[MountainMix]

They don’t feel any safer unfortunately. They’re currently talking to the apartment right now. The apartment they live in is student apartments, but it’s not official university housing. They’re graduate students and had to live off campus because they had no space on campus to house them. I’m not quite sure what protocols the apartment has to help students in this situation. Also, a thing I didn’t mention before, everyone but Haris is a student. And Haris is ten years older. They graduated last year which is why they were able to live in the apartment.

[Sam W]

If the apartment isn't officially run by the university in some capacity, then there might indeed be fewer resources in place to resolve this.

That being said, I would recommend Lexi and the others do a few things in addition to talking with the landlord or whoever else is in charge of the place they're living. One is to figure out some alternative places to stay in case this continues feeling unsafe. Another is to make sure they're clear on the terms of their lease--when it's up, whose name is or is not on it, etc--and start thinking about whether something like breaking the lease might be necessary if there's not a way to get Haris to leave.

[MountainMix]

Most definitely. They just talked to the manager of the apartment and they said they’re going to try their best to get Haris removed.

[Sam W]

I hope it goes well and that all this gets resolved!

[MountainMix]

So my partner is getting more and more anxious rooming with Haris. The management hasn't moved them out and my gf is really upset. The other roommates also aren't really pressuring management. And now my gf says she wants me to stop talking to Haris altogether because she feels Haris is abusing her as things have gotten worse and she doesn't want me to be friends with her abuser. And because she's so anxious, she's literally snapping at me so often and getting irritable at the smallest of things. I don't really know what to do.

[Sam W]

Hi MountainMix,

I'm sorry to hear things have continued to be stressful. At this point, my suggestion would be for your girlfriend to start looking at what her options are for moving out and finding a new place to live; at a certain point, if she's feeling unsafe, what needs to be the priority is finding getting out of that situation and finding a new place to live, even if that's temporary. Depending on the specifics, that might be something you can help her with, since it sounds like you've been in the area longer and might have a better sense of where she could look.

How are you feeling about her request to not talk to Haris anymore? Too, if Haris is escalating behavior, or doing things like getting physically aggressive, that's something to both factor into the safety planning of moving out and potentially tell whoever is in charge of that housing in case it causes them to approach the situation differently.

[MountainMix]

Honestly, I’m now completely okay with not being friends with Haris. The management gave them until this Sunday to move out and Haris became furious. Haris has now been spreading rumors and lies in the community about me, my best friend, and gf. They got us removed from a friend group and are now telling people that we’re awful, abusive people for talking to management and having them move to a new apartment. It is beyond hurtful what they’re doing and honestly it just shows me they were never really my friend to begin with. I don’t understand why they’re behaving this way.

[KierC]

Hey there MountainMix,

Agh, well I’m glad to hear that management is making Haris move out, but I’m so sorry to hear they’ve erupted really aggressively about it, and that their lies got you all removed from a friend group.

You know, I’ve found in my own life, too, that when toxic people cease to be able to control you, often their next stop is to try and control other people about you. It sounds like Haris has a bit of that going on with them getting you removed from your friend group, and spreading lies in your community about you. I hear you how painful that is, not only because these are horrible ways to treat people, but also because this behavior is coming from someone who used to be considered a friend. I think it’s okay to give yourself time to mourn the person you thought they were, if those are the emotions you’re feeling right now, while also protecting yourself against their lying going forward. In terms of what to do going forward, I see at least two options: You could talk to someone in that friend group about what’s going on if you haven’t already; alternatively, if you just don’t want to interact at all with Haris or Haris-related-discourse, what would it look like for you and your gf to begin creating a new community for yourselves without Haris involvement?

[MountainMix]

I think we’ll definitely be making our own friends and community. I really don’t want to associate myself with them anymore considering abusive and controlling they’re behaving. I’ve already made new friends at work and my girlfriend is making friends at the campus organizations she’s a part of. And my best friend made friends at her church. So I think we’ll be okay.

I’m just a little concerned for the friend group we were kicked out of because Harris is 34 years old and the group chat they’re a part of consists of 18-22 years olds who are attending university. I worry that the age gap they have introduces a power imbalance that may make people in the group more susceptible to their abusive tactics. But at the same time, I just don’t want to be part of this mess any longer. Is it wrong of me to not do anything about it?

[KierC]

Hi MountainMix,

I’m glad to hear that you’re both starting to form better communities! I agree — I think you absolutely will be okay.

I hear your concern for your former friend group. I can also understand that how Haris treated you could make you concerned for the other people Haris interacts with. While I think it’s good of you to be concerned for others, I do think at this point it may be more draining than worth it for you to try to solve the wider dynamics of that group. I don’t think it’s wrong not to do anything about it, in fact I think it makes more sense to focus on how *you* feel after all this than how the people in that friend group could theoretically feel. Know what I mean?

[MountainMix]

Yea that makes total sense. Do you have some advice on how I can move on from such a toxic friendship? I’m feeling like pretty depressed about everything that happened and would like to find some healthy ways to cope.

[KierC]

I completely understand how this can make you feel depressed, and I certainly have some advice on how you can move towards feeling a bit better.

1. I want to first say, it’s okay to feel how you feel about this. If there are times when you’re particularly sad or angry about this, let yourself feel that way for a bit, because those feelings are important. They can help you recognize when someone’s behavior isn’t okay with you. Know what I mean?

2. If there are ways you like to express these feelings, go for it! Whether that’s art-making, writing/journaling, listening to music, or even just watching shows or TV that make you feel better, it can be really helpful to actively give yourself more time to do creative activities where you can process this whole thing. We actually have a playlist for moving on from shitty relationships, could be a good place to start: Scarleteen Mix: Getting Gone and Moving On

3. Reclaim your space: It sounds like the situation with Haris was especially toxic because they were in your partner’s living space. Are there things you couldn’t do because Haris was there, or anything you feel like you’ve been missing out on while dealing with this that you could try to reinstate in your life and your living space? This is just an idea, but maybe you could have some of your and your partner’s new friends over to your space, kind of establishing your home as a place for healthy community?

4. Practice more of your favorite self-care activities, possibly adding some more comforting strategies if you feel like you need more of that right now. If you need some ideas for this, we have a great article on self-care: Self-Care A La Carte

How does that all sound to you?