(rant) i don't want to masturbate anymore because i'm lonely but i'm horny as hell.

[elliohnnie]

it's all (almost) in the title. i felt the need to rant but i don't feel comfortable telling this to any of my friends and here felt like the safest place. and yes despite the beginning not making sense, it's about sex and sexuality.

i thought "why not try today" because i've been feeling excrutiatingly horny but it's weighing on my mind, i'm not old i think? don't think i'm too old to be telling myself i won't find anyone, but i mean i'm pushing 22 and haven't had a boyfriend, it's getting difficult to keep thinking positively. and with my very secluded lifestyle i most likely won't find anyone (yeah i'm kinda forcing it onto myself). i don't know if it's because my period is coming soon or something and it's the hormones but i just can't do the real thing, i'm too depressed.

i've been lacking romantic human contact so this was the reason why i wanted to masturbate, and i really had this thought of "i'll always be alone" so i didn't even start. i just kinda want to know what sex is one day, so yeah. also as a side note i'm terrified of men?? it doesn't make sense.

what the hell is sex at this point? i'm really trying to make sense in this rant post because everything is jumbled up in my head...

i've been thinking about men a lot, but not real life men for the most part like people i make up in my head or fictional men. but even when i think about them and fantasise and stuff it's not really concluding to anything, i try to think of having sex or a sexual experience with them but i always end up doing something wrong. in my head. :')

i have no idea what i'm doing, where i'm going, if i'll ever have a flirt one day or a situationship because i can't even think of a boyfriend. (i'm crying writing this omg). my libido has been out the roof, i've been thinking about sex so much it's almost became an obsession. all i think of all day long is sex, having sex, touching someone like anything and i don't know what to do. i don't know where to finish this post but i'll draw the line here. i'm not sure what kind of answer am i waiting for but yeah, i just wanted to get this out and write it down, tell it to someone or something like this.

[KierC]

Hi Elliohnnie!

I’m so sorry to hear you’re feeling down about finding a partner and that it’s been impacting how you feel when you masturbate. I’m sorry, too, that it’s been causing so much anguish. I have been in this situation (I didn’t have any sexual experiences until I was an adult) and I know how f—ing frustrating it feels to want so badly to have a partner that you feel aroused a lot, but also feel anxiety about partnered sex. But I’m glad that you feel comfortable venting here — everyone deserves a space to talk things like this out, and this is a great place to do that.

It sounds like you’re having a few related and revolving feelings about sex, masturbation, and finding a partner. I want to see if we can address all of these feelings and perhaps structure them a bit so they don’t feel as jumbled for you. Because I really do think everything you’re saying is related! I also have some follow-up questions in my response to help guide us here, if that’s ok with you.

First, a note on development and age: Truthfully, there’s never an age where it’s “time to pack it up” in terms of finding a partner, if that makes sense. I know how much society tells folks that if they don’t start dating at X age, there’s something wrong with them. This is my opinion as a sex and gender nerd, but I tend to feel that the whole idea of “you need to explore sex by this age or you’re behind” stems from a fraught history of pedestalizing youth. In reality, folks can find each other in life at any age, and that doesn’t devalue the partnership they find. All this to say, there is nothing wrong with you for not having had a boyfriend yet. I hear you, though, that you’re feeling like your lifestyle is secluded and that might prevent you from finding a partner. I can definitely understand how it could make you feel isolated romantically and sexually, too. Can you tell me a little more about how you’re secluded? Is this something you’d like help with?

On masturbation: It sounds like your feelings during masturbation might be getting tied up with your feelings about finding a partner. The thing about masturbation is, while it can certainly help you prepare for partnered sex, masturbation is for YOU to enjoy. So, even if you aren’t having partnered sex at all, it’s still reasonable to masturbate just for your own enjoyment of the feeling. You deserve to feel good regardless of who else is in the room.

When you say that you thought about men while masturbating but then you did something wrong in your head, could you explain a little bit about what happened in that instance? I’m curious, too, how would it feel like for you if you were to strip the idea of masturbation away from the idea of partnered sex? Instead, focusing on a solo fantasy while you masturbate for the time being.

I’m going to stop there for now, but how are you feeling about all of that?

[elliohnnie]

hello!! thank you for replying KierC, i tried to reply to your questions by being as clear as i could.

Can you tell me a little more about how you’re secluded? Is this something you’d like help with?

i never go out and i'm very introverted, plus if i talk to someone it's online and it's always a girl. all my friends are girls and i told them too that they mean a lot to me but at some point i just want to talk to another guy too. the last time that happened was roughly two years ago, a little more than that. i have a bad history already with men as a very female presenting person too — i'm hyperfeminine — i often get catcalled and "flirted with" (harrassed) by men when i go out, so i cultivated this fear of men and i feel like i only interest perverts, sadly.
yes, i'd like to get out of this, absolutely. i mean it sucks, i couldn't flirt to save my life even as a joke. i don't know when will be the next time i'll talk to a guy and i become increasingly desperate. that's what i mean by secluded.

When you say that you thought about men while masturbating but then you did something wrong in your head, could you explain a little bit about what happened in that instance?

it means that even in my own fantasies in my own head i mess up the imaginary sex i'm having. i can conceive that everything won't go smoothly in real life, far from that. but i don't know why i think of doing things that could make my partner not want to have sex with me any more, or that i'd make a wrong move and we'd have to stop, things like that. i can never really go all the way. it's something that already frequently happens when i just daydream of regular stuff, i do something wrong. even as a kid for example i didn't have my first kiss yet (i still don't btw) and the first time i had fantasies of kissing my crush i imagined i threw up... but it's even more frustrating on the sexual aspect. in my fantasy my imaginary partner is low-key abusive too. which is a problem.

I’m curious, too, how would it feel like for you if you were to strip the idea of masturbation away from the idea of partnered sex?

better i guess, i've had such trouble separating the two for years now that i completely forgot this idea. but i can't shake off the idea that i'm kind of disgusting, not for masturbating, i think this is fine, but what i might look like? i don't know how to make it make sense. i often think that i must be very ugly during the thing; and i even had the idea of taking a mirror to check (i didn't do it i was too scared of being repulsed), just because i'm that insecure about my face. there's this deep need for me to be attractive enough for my partner, despite him not being there yet. so when i go to the bathroom when i'm done and put some water on my face, i try to avoid looking at myself because that's what my partner would see and i think it's very ugly and that's one of the reasons why i keep linking masturbation and partnered sex.

Instead, focusing on a solo fantasy while you masturbate for the time being.

and this is where this comes up, i don't know how to do that. i do feel some sort of dysmorphia due to the fact that my body doesn't really fit my gender even if i kind of like my body shape, but it's nothing extreme. and like i've talked about earlier it's all about my face, because i'll think about it, about how i look and that it's not good enough. the more i grow and get older the more self-conscious i get. but i have no idea how to focus on a solo fantasy like you say.

I’m going to stop there for now, but how are you feeling about all of that?

i'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable, i cried a lot writing this reply too, and i had to take many breaks! :') despite the fact that it made me realise i had a pretty sad vision of masturbation and myself, i'm very happy i can talk about it to someone and take out this frustration. it feels definitely better to navigate through this with someone who actually knows better than me because i was feeling so stuck and helpless but i might get better soon thanks to your attention.

[Anya]

Hi elliohnnie,

We're so happy to have you, and I'm glad you feel you can talk through all of this here, this space is for you.

First, I hear that you're struggling with this fear of men that you mentioned, and feeling isolated not only because of physical distance but also because of the scary reality that is dating men in this world. I totally relate to the experience of most of my contact with men being when they catcall me and therefore not only objectify me but misgender me. The gut-wrenching, sinking feeling I get when that happens totally makes me more weary when looking to date men so it's understandable how that terrible feeling makes it hard to want men. Are there any men in your life who don't make you feel like that?

On the thread of flirting skills though, I used to definitely consider myself a terrible flirter too. For me though, something changed a while back when I realized that flirting meant a really different thing to me when I looked for it in others than what I was forcing myself to adopt. When I imagined how I would like to be flirted with it really just meant someone rambling about stuff they love and asking me about all the stuff I love to ramble about. This made me relax my expectations of myself as a flirter because I no longer felt like I had to create some awesome pick-up line that would stun all the hotties in the area, I just had to start conversations with people about things that I liked. For example, if we are in the same crocheting class we can talk about our favorite yarns, or even somewhere like the grocery store, if I notice someone pick up a sauce I really like I can just tell them and compliment their tastes. Those things still make me sweat, don't get me wrong, but no one expects you to be perfect, especially someone who might really like you just as you are.

I would now like to talk to you a bit about the fantasies you mentioned. I wanna say first, unfortunate as it may be, mistakes will be made when we are sexual or romantic with others. It happens to everyone, and even though we don't see representation of mistakes being made, or awkwardness and anxiety popping up when we watch porn or movies, in real life, there's really no way around it. I know you said that when you fantasize, it can be really easy to imagine making mistakes and it ruining the mood or displeasing the other person. The thing that I think is also important to factor in though is the other person in all of these scenarios. Your partners will also make mistakes! They will likely also be awkward and just like you, they're probably in their own heads as well. I would cut yourself some slack, friend. It's completely okay to make mistakes, in fact, the more forgiving you are of yourself, the more practice you have in forgiving awkwardness, so when others do it we can tell them that it's ok and we're not put off. Also, when we fantasize and create situations in our heads, all of the things that happen are completely under our control. I know those intrusive thoughts always seem to have a way of creeping in, but sometimes it's totally okay to kick them out. It's your head! I'm curious what you think would happen if you let those mistakes happen in your head but instead of your imaginary partner feeling negative about it, you let them comfort, or just accept you and maybe they make their own mistakes in your fantasy. How does that feel?

On the topic of masturbation, I heard you also speak to how you have mostly masturbated to the idea of partnered sex. This is totally normal and what most people do every day, but if it creates an overload of anxiety, how would you feel about masturbating and just focusing on the sensations themselves? maybe turning on some music and focusing on how your body feels? Let me know what you think about that.

And lastly on a broader level in relation to the physical insecurity you described, Just like how you never know what kinds of mistakes others might make, you also never know what people are the most attracted to until they tell you. Truly, no matter how you see yourself, there are people out there who see you sooo differently. There is no one-size-fits-all timeline for sex and relationships, and just as well, there is no one-size-fits-all version of attractiveness. The thing that you dislike most about your body, someone might find sexier than you can even imagine. I would suggest you think about some of the things that you find attractive in others that they might not think about. That can look like a love for how nerdy someone is, big noses, perfectly curly hair, curves that resemble mountains you'd be lucky to ski down, etc. There's a lot that can be attractive about people, but it is pretty hard to find that stuff in ourselves when we are so normalized to seeing ourselves every day. Does that make sense?

[elliohnnie]

Are there any men in your life who don't make you feel like that?

well, yes. my brother, dad, cousins... only men in my family. i don't have any men friends, like really. i don't know if i can still talk to men despite it being a weird thing to say, men are supposed to just be people to me, but they're not. men truly scare me. whenever one tries to talk to me, i don't look at him in the eye, only talk a word or a small sentence and don't even do the bare minimum. (aka: i try to escape as soon as i can.)

and as for the misgendering this is so true, and it's really hard when i don't know how the other person is going to react if i tell them about how i truly feel. as a very feminine guy it's not easy, i just prefer skirts to pants, to wear makeup and do my nails and that prejudices me into people thinking i'm a girl... but even, let's say a man is attracted to me, and i am too, we start talking and i have to tell who i truly am because else that's lying, and then i tell this person i'm a guy too. but that's the scary part. because it's easy to say "if they don't like you the way you are, then don't interact" yeah cool, but what if what happens is worse? i just often overthink this part.
even most of these men i feel the safest with don't know my true gender identity and still deadname me and kind of are transphobic if i really listen to their views on queer people... so telling some random guy i didn't grow up with that i look like a girl but i'm far from one is terrifying.

I'm curious what you think would happen if you let those mistakes happen in your head but instead of your imaginary partner feeling negative about it, you let them comfort, or just accept you, and maybe they make their own mistakes in your fantasy. How does that feel?

it would certainly feel better, yet even in this it's still very unrealistic in my mind for the reasons previously listed. "because i don't fit a standard means i don't deserve basic decency in a relationship" type of thinking, but more subconsciously. it's more of "why would he be nice to me?" since the last guy i talked to two years ago who i had like this fat crush on didn't treat me like a decent human being, even though we were friends, and we were both in the same spaces (transmasc, fans of the same group, artists, etc.) it really comforted me in the idea that even another trans person — but especially a cis person who hasn't suffered the misgendering and other stuff — wouldn't be nice to me in the long run.

when i imagine these things, it's more or so me picturing both what happened already to me and my brain trying to keep the continuity of this failed romantic relationship. i can't tell myself that a person could be attracted to me without a hurtful aftermath. i've been improving a little during the past two years, but it's really difficult.

This is totally normal and what most people do every day, but if it creates an overload of anxiety, how would you feel about masturbating and just focusing on the sensations themselves? maybe turning on some music and focusing on how your body feels? Let me know what you think about that.

okay, so not gonna lie, i tried. and it was extremely liberating. it made me realise i never actually enjoyed masturbation for the feeling, but just because that's the closest thing i could get from partnered sex. and by thinking this way it felt very closed and not a fully enjoyable experience that missed something. but that thing wasn't a partner, it really was just the mindset i put into it. often seeing the words "self-love" always felt numb because it didn't feel real, it had to be put into other words for me to finally understand masturbation was just for me.
what i think about that is that it's very much slay (it truly healed a broken part of my sexual life.)

There's a lot that can be attractive about people, but it is pretty hard to find that stuff in ourselves when we are so normalized to seeing ourselves every day. Does that make sense?

it really does make sense, it's also kind of scary and fascinating that i'll never know what i look like truly because i just look at myself every day, and every day i look wildly different while others still look the same to me. but it makes me realise that others also see me relatively the same all the time, so it does make me feel better about it.

[Sam W]

Hi elliohnnie,

I'm glad some of what we've been talking about here has been helpful for you!

I wanted to touch on those fears of being out about your gender when talking to other men, including men who are interested in you. To start, when or if to come out in a conversation is one of those things where you might make a different call depending on the situation and the signals you're getting from the other person about how safe, or unsafe, they'd be to be open with. It can suck that sometimes not coming out or correcting the person about your gender means that they'll misgender you, and in an ideal world that wouldn't be a calculation you're stuck making.

With having those conversations in the context of dating, have you had the chance to do much reading or other research on how other trans folks, including those whose gender expression doesn't match the expectations others might have for it, navigate those conversations?

I hear you expressing a lot of difficulty envisioning a reality where you deserve acceptance and comfort in a relationship, or that people could desire you without there being some kind of inevitable, bad aftermath. It sounds like a lot of that stems from how others have treated you in the past, and I'm so sorry that even someone you felt would understand you ended up treating you in a crummy way. Are there people in your life now, like friends or family, who DO make you feel accepted or looked after?