I don't like being ace

[fernstalk]

why do i have to be asexual? there is no reason for me to be the way i am. i have never experienced trauma, i am not repulsed by it, nor have any aversion towards it.
i am simply... indifferent to sex. growing up, i felt as if my understanding of sex had always been very juvenile. i had no understanding or concept of what it even was, never once had even a little curiosity.

im 21 now, but that feeling stayed more or less the same. i go about my life everyday without the desire of sex ever crossing my mind. but... it kind of sucks. i feel like a little kid. it feels as if im missing out on an essential part of the human experience. how passionate it can be, the incredible highs you get out of an orgasm, the drive, the boost of energy after it. imagine how hot the love burns in a happy relationship with sex. what a beautiful shared experience. that i will never have.

i do have a beautiful girlfriend who i am very in love with. whenever i go about the motions of sex, i feel nothing. to me it is just repetitive and mundane motions i go through while i listen and look for her cues as what to do next. i do it cause i love her and it is just an act of service for me. but deep down, i know she feels undesired, i know it feels like pretend. i feel inadequate. it seems like satisfying her is not enough but my lack of sexual interest is out of my control.

is there a solution for this? is there a way i can gradually increase my sex drive?

[HannahP]

Hi Fernstalk. I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so discouraged and frustrated!

The thing that stands out to me the most in your post is that you're regularly having sex that is not pleasurable or enjoyable to you, that maybe even feels emotionally bad to you. I understand that this is something you're choosing to do out of love for your partner, but I want to gently suggest that it may be doing more harm than good — it seems to be hurting you and you say you think that it's making her feel bad, too. I think that having this unenjoyable sex might be contributing to your overall distress about this topic. It's so difficult to be having a bad experience while everyone around you seems to be having an amazing experience!

I'd like to encourage you to think about pleasure as something that can be connected with sex, but doesn't have to be. You feel envious that sex can be something passionate, exciting, pleasurable, thrilling — but it's not the only thing that makes people feel those feelings. One thing I've heard from some asexual people is that they feel kind of annoyed that the word "asexual" refers to what someone doesn't experience, rather than what they do experience. Our article on asexuality defines it like this: "Asexuality is an orientation usually defined by a focus on romantic⁠, aesthetic, spiritual, or physical intimacy, or on non-sexual friendship, rather than on sexual attraction or sexual intimacy." Maybe you could think about what you do feel drawn towards, whether that's in your relationship or in your life in general, and see if you can add more of that into your life? From what you've written, it sounds like you really crave connection and passion and excitement. Are there things (maybe a creative pursuit, a hobby, a topic of interest, etc?) that make you feel invigorated and fully consumed by your excitement? Are there ways that you can deepen your connection with your girlfriend, make it feel more passionate? I know that it can be so disappointing when the path that seems to work so well for other people isn't working for you (I have felt this way in all kinds of situations in my life, sexual and non-sexual), but the silver lining is sometimes that you get to make your own path that's perfectly suited for you. I love what this article has to say on this topic, and I hope it's reassuring to you to see another person's perspective on asexuality that's not so negative: Sp[ace] Exploration: What Sexual People Can Learn from Asexual Communities.

As a final note, one thing that I believe is that labels are meant to be positives in our lives, things that make us feel understood and connected. If the label "asexual" feels restrictive or upsetting to you, you don't have to use it. Maybe it would feel more comfortable to think of yourself as someone who hasn't experienced sexual desire or pleasure, rather than someone who is incapable of it — leaving it open whether or not you will in the future or whether you'll want to identify as asexual or not in the future. Does that make sense?

[fernstalk]

thank you, for the reassurance and the alternatives, but i am still more interested in trying to tackle this issue with my sexuality. the reason i am having sex is yes, i want to pleasure my partner, but also, i want it to be good, but i just don't feel anything every time.

most people who identify as ace simply lack sexual attraction and they don't feel the need to perform sexual activities, it doesn't mean they're incapable of feeling pleasure or being horny. why does it seem like i am? i actually wish i could experience those things.

i think i have been aroused by my girlfriend but it mostly happened in the early days. everytime it actually comes to the sex i am out of it. i don't feel like im present, my mind wanders everywhere else. i'm too nervous and self conscious that it hinders me from being in the moment. then it's dissapointing, and i rarely ever get aroused anymore. I don't even really know what arousal feels like, happens once in a blue moon for me. is it that funny feeling down there? if so, I don't even know how to translate that to any action. let's say I feel it, and then i put my hand inside my pants and then i become hyper aware of what im doing and it just goes away. that sucks. I don't think i even ever properly masturbated, maybe just a few times in the toilet, using the bidet to put pressure on my clit, now i know that feels good. but whenever i use my hands it just feels weird and stupid and idk what im doing that i just stop. i think internalized shame plays a big role in all this, i really just wish I wasn't hyper aware and overly critical of everything i did. i also probably just have a really low libido or something... what could help with this?

[Ellie]

Hi Fernstalk,

I'm incredibly sorry to hear that you're having this negative experience. Building off of what Hannah said, if you're having sex that is not enjoyable for you, it's probably making you feel worse about it. I would agree with you that internalized shame is the reason you are so self-critical and are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be a certain way, which is another huge barrier to being present. Comparing yourself to others, or what your idea of "normal" attraction should look like is likely the root of that shame. I know how isolating it can feel when you think, "what's wrong with me? Why aren't I like everyone else?" But in reality, no one is like everyone else, everyone is different and there are tons of people who have experiences just like yours, even if the dominant narrative around sex is that we should all be having it and we should all be enjoying it (that's unrealistic!). I hope you've been able to read through our resources on asexuality and discover that there really is no such thing as "normal." I would invite you to explore other avenues for connection and sensation with your girlfriend, like giving each other a massage, reciting romantic poetry to each other, sharing a decadent meal. Like Hannah said, there is more to pleasure and connection than sex, and allowing yourself to experience it together without pressure may be a first step in feeling present in your body and alleviating that shame. Trying to force yourself to be a certain way doesn't work. Give yourself some grace and compassion. Looking at your sexuality as a problem to be solved is not kind, and it's going to continue doing you harm. There is nothing wrong with you, and there is no urgent problem to solve here except taking some time to give yourself what you need: unconditional acceptance.