My anxiety on sex has gotten worse

[Brian]

I haven’t posted here in awhile, but i return.

I tried getting counseling for my anxiety, but my college schedule and time at home has made consistency impossible.

My gf and i also had a pregnancy scare where her period was 2-3 weeks late. I’ve been traumatized ever since and I can’t do anything without searching up how pregnancy works or going on Reddit for reassurance after intimacy.

My irrationality has gotten worse but I ask: Does sperm survive on lotion? I used it to masturbate and i worry pre survived and someone in the house used it and can get pregnant. I am so sad i have to ask this.

I’m scared to be intimate or masturbate on my own because of the fear i’ll get someone pregnant. I’m so sexually frustrated and tge added fear of pregnancy has made me so overwhelmed. I just want to know how to stop these fears. As, i never got better and just declined more and more. I think i’m going insane.

[Heather]

Hi there, Brian.

So, here is a piece that I suggest you make some time to sit down and read in a way that you can really take it in. It explains exactly how pregnancy happens and why these kinds of scenarios are NOT how it can happen: Human Reproduction: A Seafarer's Guide.

It might help to think about it this way: sperm calls cannot actually do ANYTHING by themselves. They need a whole host of things -- not just an available ovum they can reach, but also a very particular kind of cervical fluid, the force of an ejaculation, etc. -- in order to be able to be part of what creates a pregnancy. If things like you are thinking were true, the human population would have totally outgrown this planet thousands of years ago already.

It does sound like you need to figure out a way to prioritize therapy around this, and in the meantime, it sounds like being in a sexual relationship is not likely to be good for you. What do you need to stick to the therapy? Too, have you talked to whoever you are seeing for help with this about ways you can do the work on managing your anxiety when you are not in a session?

[Brian]

So there’s no risk at all right? Just making sure so i don’t need to keep asking for reassurance

I am taking a break and i always had with my partner. Whenever I try and don’t feel ready, we don’t push on. It’s pretty nice, but i still feel sad that i can’t engage with my gf this way.


My counselor said i have cognitive distortions and catastrophic thinking. It makes me think the worse of every outcome. I also lack control of my emotional response over my cognitive, resulting in me believing the physical effects of my anxiety mean something is wrong.


I try not to ask from Reddit, P.P, or this site when im not with my counselor or at group therapy because i know its seeking reassurance. But it’s scary. My gf also comforts me but sometimes I really am just calm and her asking if im ok makes me worried again.

[Heather]

So, reassuring someone over and over again like this not only doesn't help with anxiety, it makes anxiety stickier. This is why what I suggested, instead, is that you read that piece. Were you able to read it? What did you learn from it when you did? Tell me a few things: I want you to experience doing this a bit differently, okay?

I completely understand feeling sad when you can't have the sexual relationship you want with someone. The good news is that you can probably get to a place where this is something you can do, you'll just need to make your work on it a priority.

Can you also circle back to what I asked in my first response? What do you need in order to make your therapy and work on this a priority? It clearly is having a very negative and limiting impact on you and your life, so I think putting this in your top three things in your life to focus on and make room for would really benefit you.

[Brian]

Ok..you’re right. I learned that it’s very hard for sperm to survive outside of a vagina and sperm at too delicate to even pose a risk in the scenarios i described.

Just because my emotional response and fear pop up does not change the facts that pregnancy is impossible this way. I need to learn that I am okay.

I might sacrifice some of my college time in my day for my appointments, so I can get the help I need. And by help I mean NOT going on sites for reassurance.

I am still scared despite reading the article, but i think i need to learn how to be comfortable with that fear

[Heather]

Great! Hopefully you also learned that sperm cannot actually do ANYTHING by themselves.

And I agree with you! How you feel doesn't change facts. But for sure, when you have catastrophic thinking you haven't learned how to manage yet, it can be really hard to believe that. I also agree that doing what you can to try and get okay with feeling fearful when you are not actually in danger (or putting anyone else in it) would be really worthwhile work for you. I think doing whatever you can to get the therapeutic help you need consistently is a very good call for yourself.

Have you ever read any self-help books for managing anxiety/anxiety-based thinking? I'd be happy to suggest some if not, they can be one way to advance your work on this on your own in whatever bits of time you wind up having in a day.

[Brian]

I’d like to read them yes.

The scare really screwed me up. It just makes me scared of pregnancy caused by basically existing. And..it’s the fact i’ve used lotion for awhile and in the bathtub (cleaned lf course) and nothing bad happened. Because nothing will happen

[Heather]

Really, the only people for whom that is true, for whom pregnancy is a risk by virtue of existing, are people with a uterus. Because it's us (well, not me, anymore, I'm post-menopause, but you know what I mean) who can actually become pregnant, and also us who more often don't always get a say in when we take risks of pregnancy by virtue of how often we are assaulted.

Now, I know your anxious brain is not likely to wrap itself around the realities of life under patriarchy for people with a uterus if it can't so far even accept that sperm are delicate flowers that can't do jack on their own, not superheroes, but still, it stands to mention. Your mere existence all by itself won't ever be the cause of a pregnancy.

But yep, none of what your brain is telling you is going to happen is going to happen.

I have a thought: have you had any more luck navigating catastrophic thinking when it is NOT about pregnancy, but about something else?

[Heather]

A few books I think might be right for you:

My Anxious Mind by Katherine A. Martinez and Michael Anthony Tompkins is one of my favorites. It's relatively short, very clear, and very compassionate.

Unfuck Your Brain: Using Science to Get Over Anxiety, Depression, Anger, Freak-outs, and Triggers by Dr. Faith Harper

This Is Your Brain on Anxiety: What Happens and What Helps, also by Faith Harper

[Brian]

I apologize for my “existing” line. It was me trying to reassure myself I wholeheartedly didn’t mean it in a negative way. I’ll try to know that there’s no risk because there ISNT any, whenever my mind wanders again.

I usually struggle with my catastrophic thinking. Usually with my social life and relationships. I think everyone hates me and are being fake around me. No one enjoys my company etc etc..

[Heather]

Oh, you don't need to apologize, I wasn't offended, I was just trying to inject some reality into the equation.

I'm so, so sorry that you suffer with this so broadly, Brian. I've had people close to me who struggle with this, too, and I know it can literally feel like being tortured all the time. I'm really glad that you are going to aim to prioritize your counseling. Have you also talked with your counselor about a psychiatric referral just in case there might be a medication route that can also help you?

[Brian]

I haven’t i’m scared of medications. I have another question. I have urges sexually that i want to release like masturbating and such, however i am nervous to do so. Do you have any ways I can not worry if i were to masturbate?

[Heather]

So, both with the medications and with the masturbation you're asking about, my best advice would be to just start practicing what you mentioned earlier: trying things anyway even though you are afraid.

Honestly, this is what most of us have to learn, that we can be afraid and still do things, so sometimes that's just how it is: we let ourselves feel afraid but we don't let that stop us from doing the thing we are afraid of. I certainly recognize that in your case, the level of fear you feel may feel bigger or more debilitating, but I do think you can probably start with some low-risk but potentially high reward things, which I think both of these things could be. A medication that helped you, for instance, could change your whole life for the better. A masturbation practice could help you feel more comfortable with your body and its responses and give you a way to be sexual where there is not any actual pregnancy risk, so while you still might feel afraid, nothing bad could actually happen.

What do you think about that?

[Brian]

So…I should try masturbation again? Because i also hears that when you avoid a fear, you’re not fixing it but actually reinforcing it

[Brian]

My fear is that when i get confident with masturbation and more comfortable enough to try with my partner, my fear will reappear again. It’s happened every single time. Sorry for a double post my connection made it submit without me actually pressing it :,)

[Heather]

But you're not avoiding a fear, you would instead be allowing yourself to experience that fear. That gives you practice experiencing it and experiencing that you can survive it and nothing bad will actually happen.

That's actually a pretty common concept in helping people deal with these kinds of feelings. Can I ask how many sessions you have had with the counselor so far and what kind of therapy they are doing with you?

[Brian]

I’ve only had two so far. I had three counselors due to conflicting schedules, but hopefully this one will stay :,)

Ok i’ll try to ease my anxiety by engaging with my fears so I know there’s nothing to worry about.

[Heather]

Ah, okay, so I would strongly advise that you really do put as much energy into this therapy as possible, and maybe start by bringing some of these questions to them at your next appointment?

[Brian]

I’m going to yes. I have group therapy on friday and an individual on Tuesday. I’m very sorry that my questions were stupid or annoying. A lot of people say my thinking is stupid and I should just enjoy the sexual moments, but here I am!

[Heather]

I’m sure if it were that easy to do, you’d already have done it!

I don’t think your questions are stupid or annoying. You don’t need to apologize for asking for help.

[Brian]

Do you have some advice on how to stop seeking reassurance? I keep asking my gf or sites over and over the same questions, but i am not satisfied. I know the answer is correct, but my body feels like its not.

[Andy]

Hi there Brian,

I think that because seeking reassurance is how your anxiety manifests for you that as you learn how to manage it the need for that will be less stronger. Because this is exactly how anxiety works, it lies to us and tells us that we can’t trust ourselves and our knowledge. Then, logically, when we don’t trust ourselves we tend to seek the reassurance from other sources like sites or people. Unfortunately the anxiety is often so mean it doesn’t allow us to trust info from the other resources either. But as you will learn how to work with it and tackle it, with which hopefully therapy will be really helpful, you will start to trust reliable resources and rely on your own judgment and won’t need to double-check everything. Does that make sense?

As for what you can do now, I think just realizing that you "know the answer is correct" is a really important first step! And if you find that constantly asking people around you for reassurance isn’t helping you and is keeping you in the anxious loop instead, you can for example ask them to help distract you with a change of topic when you come to them with these questions. How does that sound?

[Brian]

That sounds good yeah..I’ll try to fight the urge. I’ve read your guy’s resources a lot they are really helpful!! I go to anxiety group therapy tomorrow so I’ll discuss these.