I accidentally crossed a boundary with my partner, did I assault them?

[The17O]

This happened a while ago and were not together anymore, but I accidentally crossed some boundaries with my partner and I can't get over the guilt I feel about it.

For extra info, were both ftm trans. We were both our first sexual partners, and there was a time that I was receiving and I was having a good time, and my partner was giving but seemed a bit off. He was off his medication that day so he was a bit spacey and talking about unrelated things during sex, and just seemed a bit off but I ignored it. I wasn't pressuring him to continue, but I didn't ask if he wanted to stop either. He didn't ever voice that he wanted to stop but I still feel bad cause after that we both told each other that it didn't make us feel good

I feel like by ignoring the signs that he might have been just going with it was just as bad as assaulting him. I was lost in my own physical pleasure and just kind of ignored that something might be wrong or off and I feel like a horrible person for doing that. He never backed off or paused or anything like that and I never did anything to make him feel like he had to keep going but I still feel like I did something very wrong.

[Latha]

Hi The17O, welcome to the boards!

I'm sorry, it is clear that this has been very distressing for you! For what it is worth, this does not seem like sexual assault to me. You were not showing deliberate disregard for your partner's safety or wellbeing, you just got caught up in the moment and didn't react to some signs. Noticing something and reacting to it are two different steps- it isn't always easy to react to something well as it is happening. At most, you can consider this a learning moment- if you notice a partner seeming off in the future, it might be a good idea to take a break and check in with them.

I'm wondering, have you ever spoken to this person about your concerns?

[The17O]

I never really breached the conversation because I was anxious about it, I wish I had before our relationship ended though. I ended up apologizing about crossing his boundaries after he told me that I had crossed some boundaries unknowingly that they admitted he hadn't made clear to me. I didn't apologize about this incident specifically, but I apologized in general if I had ever pushed past his boundaries regardless of if he made them clear to me or not. He was self admittedly very "wishy washy" (in his words) about his boundaries, so I didn't know I was pushing him but I feel like in moments like what I described in the first post, I should have picked up on it.

We were both each other's first sexual partners, so it may have just been an issue of miscommunication and inexperience in boundaries and sex, but yeah, I still feel like I really messed up. I wish I had apologized for this specifically.

[aarija]

Hey The17O,
I'll reiterate what Latha said in that this doesn't seem like assault and really is just a learning moment. Yes, it is important to be aware of other people's body language and pick up on cues, and reacting to those cues does take practice. Moving forward, this kind of checking in is a great thing to practice in both platonic and romantic relationships.

Also, it is never too late to go back and address something that is bothering you. Are you able to go back and talk to them about this?