Sexual Confusion

[hejira]

Hello! I found this page while scrolling a few nights ago and I thought this would be a good place to get some advice.

I’m a senior in high school and I’ve never been in a serious relationship before. I never had crushes as a kid or a middle school boyfriend. But since I was little I always had feelings that I was a lesbian, or at least not straight. It’s not something I ever brought up to my parents. More recently, I’ve been okay discussing this attraction with my friends and I feel open about it with them. I’ve enjoyed consuming media with lesbian couples in them and felt represented in a way. For example (and this feels weird to say) I’ve only ever felt aroused watching a show or movie where people are kissing/making love when it’s a lesbian couple - not straight couples. So I always thought that was maybe an indicator of my sexuality.

However I’ve also become worried at my lack of a love life - I feel happy single and have always enjoyed being alone, but I feel pressure to “do something” with somebody before I get to college. Recently I’ve been talking to this girl, and she’s really interested in me and she’s made that clear. She compliments me and flirts with me and I try to return the favor. The issue is I don’t really think I’m that interested in her, but I’ve been playing along because I don’t want to make her feel bad - but I hate lying to her in a way.

I’ve also sort of started talking to a guy that I think is kinda cute and I could have a chance with. But not as much as the girl I mentioned before.

I’m really doubting my attraction to women that I thought I was comfortable enough with. I’m doubting my attraction to anyone, actually. I’ve considered the idea of asexuality, but I’m not sure if that’s really what I’m feeling. I want to experience love and a relationship but I also don’t. It’s sort of been tearing me apart lately. Like I mentioned, I feel pressure to experience being in a relationship but I’ve never sought after one - I don’t really flirt, or try to dress up at school and wear makeup for boys.

I feel scared, too, that I’m not really attracted to this girl. I had a really hard crush on a girl last year, though, so maybe she’s just not my type? I’m doubting my sexuality and I would appreciate advice from someone. I want to break things off with this girl at some point but I know it would hurt her since I’ve been acting like I’m into her as well. Thank you

[Andy]

Hi hejira and welcome to the boards!
I’m glad you found us and feel comfortable sharing this with us.

It seems to me that there are three separate things we can talk about: your sexual orientation, the pressure to have a relationship and the situation with this girl. I suggest we start talking about the first one as it probably plays into the others as well.

Reading your post I hear you saying that:

• you didn't feel much attraction towards anyone as a kid
• you feel attraction to women and have had a crush on at least one
• feel aroused by media featuring lesbian couples
• you might like this one guy you are talking to
• are wondering what the lack of attraction towards this one girl means about your sexuality

I think it’s safe to say that these are all things people of a lot of sexual orientations, including many lesbians, experience. Our sexuality change and shift through the time and are rarely as straightforward as people expect them to be. As for the last bullet-point, being or not being into one specific person rarely tells us much about our sexuality as a whole. Just like no man who is into women will always feel attracted to all of them (imagine how many heartbreaks that would save!), that you aren’t into this girl doesn’t have to mean you can’t be a lesbian anymore if that’s what you feel comfortable calling yourself. How does that sound?

As for the pressure you feel to be in a relationship, I just want to point out that you don’t have to be in a relationship to understand your sexuality and, even more importantly, you don’t have to have a relationship if you don’t want to just to fill someone’s else’s idea about a "ideal high school experience". I know people who dated in high school and had a great time, people who dated but now regret it as well as those who didn’t have any relationships during their studies and are perfectly happy with that. When you say you want to experience love and relationship but don't at the same time, how does it make you feel to hear that maybe you just don’t want it now and might want it later or that you just haven't yet met a person you would like a romantic relationship with?

This was a lot so I will just quickly touch on the situation regarding this girl. Turning down someone who is clearly into your is really hard but staying in a relationship where you have to pretend something can be even worse. Sometimes ending a relationship is the kindest thing for all people involved. So I agree that it’s better to break things off with her like you are saying and we can certainly help you figure out how to have that talk with her if you want.

[hejira]

Hey there, I think you hit the nail on the head. I have thought about and feel more comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with someone as an adult, and maybe I just haven’t found them yet. That’s very comforting to hear.

In regard to talking to this girl, I’m just not sure as to the best way to start to conversation. I don’t want to say “hey, I think we need to talk,” and then she’s nervous, sitting waiting on me to say something bad. But I also don’t just want to come straight out and admit I’m not really attracted to her. I don’t see her in person often - we go to different schools and a few years ago through lacrosse. Do you think it would be a good approach if I just kind of ease up on the conversation with her (i.e. stop trying to flirt back) and after a few days let her know how I’m feeling?

[Andy]

I’m glad to hear that!

As for how to start the conversation, the suggested way is certainly a way you can approach this if that’s what feels right for you. Though I don’t think the "we need to talk" option is always a wrong one either. In the end, there is no perfect way to tell her that and she might be upset no matter which approach or exact words you choose, so it’s more about what you are the most comfortable with. Also, do I have it right that neither of you have yet talked about being in a relationship together?

[hejira]

Yes, we haven’t. She recently got out of a long term on-again, off-again relationship. She told me there was a chance they would get back together again, because this time they broke up because of circumstances outside their control. She started dancing around the idea of me coming to her school’s prom in April and being her date - that’s where all the flirting started.

[Heather]

(A Joni Mitchell-based handle? With an Indigo Girls sigline? Fantastic!)

So, sounds like "we need to talk" is, indeed, where you're at. You don't have to say that a long time before you actually talk, so she won't necessarily be sitting there wondering, but it also is okay when that happens. It's not like wondering what someone wants to talk to us about does us harm. It's just part of being close to people, these times when we find out someone wants to talk to us about something but we don't know what just yet. She also can ask you what you want to talk about, and you can certainly give her a short summary.

I do think that if you aren't attracted to her, though, it's better to say that sooner than later if and when we think someone has or is growing feelings for us. It tends to be one of those rip-off-the-band-aid things. <3