Can you learn to love?

[Bubblegumkid]

It's been over a year since the assault happened. After breaking up with my assualter I made terrible decisions that hurt me . I got into relationships trying to prove to myself I was ohk, also I felt that having sex and enjoying it would be an indication that I can still feel so I tried that only hurting myself. I got into relationships with guys who loved me and knew about the assualt but they tried to have sex with me seeing how uncomfortable I was. They'd try and help me move on (which i do think is on me because I myself was rushing my healing process). At the end of each relationship I realized I didn't even love them , in fact I eventually resented them, I would get anxiety whenever I had to see them but eventually I'd break things of. The 4th guy I dated after the assualt didn't know I was assualted I decided to keep it away from him. He was the first person I actually managed to love after all that happened, issue was he wasn't the right person to love as he was emotionally unavailable and he actually had a girlfriend (which he left for me so he says) but anyways I was proud even though it hurt when I had to break up with. I was glad i stoll knew how to love again.

After him I was single for quite a while (8 months) with a week relationship in between that happened.

Currently I'm in a relationship. The problem this time is this person was just someone I rented a fridge from. As time went on I got to know him, he'd take me out on dates , buy me food and all things I liked. I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship and he said we should take things slowly. Sure we did that. Another thing with him was that I've never been physically attracted to him . Its even more worse now since we're in a relationship now. I feel like I notice more icks now and continously see everything I don't like about him. I'm really uncomfortable with being near him . I really don't like it when he kisses me. Now om just lost on what to do because he's such a good person and is very caring about me. I feel like he's the type of person I need but I'm not certain I can get past how I'm really not attracted to him. I thought it would get better with time but it's still really difficult.

I just feel like I do things for him , like hugging and cuddling , I do it because I feel bad but not because I really want too. I really don't know what to do

[Sam W]

Hi Bubblegumkid,

I'm sorry things have been so rough, and that dating overall has left you feeling pretty drained and pessimistic. There are a few different things going on here that I want to address, and hopefully some or all of it will be helpful to you!

The first thing is the situation with your current boyfriend. There can be this pressure to stay in a relationship that otherwise isn't for you because the person is nice or the person is someone you "should" be happy to be dating. But from you're own description, you don't really like this guy that much, you're uncomfortable being near him, and you're not attracted to him. The kindest thing to do for yourself would be to end the relationship. This is also the kindest thing to do for him. It's much kinder in the long run to go "hey, this isn't working out" than to stick around; you and he both deserve the chance to find someone who's excited to be with you. Does that make sense?

Too, I promise you that the things you do like about this guy will be present in other partners. By ending this relationship, you free yourself up to go find people who have those traits AND who you're attracted to and really click with.

All that being said, can you give me a sense of how much time since ending things with the person who assaulted you you've spent single and NOT actively trying to date? Too, you mention a healing process. What has that looked like for you? How does it feel like it's been going?

[Bubblegumkid]

Thank you for your response, Sam

Yes you make perfect sense. Also through my dating experiences in the past year , I miss loving and not just being loved. I don't really think I can settle just for receiving without giving. Also you're completely right in saying I'm yet to meet partners who have the things I like about him. I'll definitely speak to him. I'm not sure , he'll ask.me why I'm ending things of course do I explain how there's no physical connection?

Surprising I'd say 5 months, that's the amount of time I've spent not actively looking for a reliable. Now that I say it I do signs of rushing myself. It's just that I do crave loving and being loved but maybe I'm not ready yet.

The healing process is up and down. I attend therapy which really helps. I just have a terrible tendency of running away from my emotions and any feelings because subconsciously I think I believe I should have "moved on" from the assualt (tendency of rushing myself again). I'm much better in emotional processing because I've learnt to be kinder to myself and allow myself to feel any emotions. With regards to have sex it's been almost a year of abstinence and honestly I'm not sure when I'll be ready for it

[Sam W]

I'm glad what I said was helpful!

In terms of telling him, I think being honest while being kind is likely the way to go. You can say you've realized that this just isn't the relationship for you anymore, or something similar to that; that makes it clear that things are over, but also puts the emphasis on this being about the relationship itself not being the right fit for you.

I wonder if it might help, in terms of dating more generally, to take some time after you end this relationship to focus on dating yourself and on building or maintaining non-romantic sources of love in your life, like with friends or family. That way, you have ample space to give and receive love without feeling like you have to be in a romantic relationship, even one that just isn't working for you, in order to do that. How does that sound?

It's good to hear that therapy is helpful for you! Honestly, what you're describing sounds like a very common healing experience for survivors, and I think it speaks to some excellent insight on your part to have recognized that impulse to rush yourself to heal and what you can do about it. In terms of sex, it's absolutely okay to not be sure when, or even if, you'll be ready for it again. That's also a common experience for survivors; if you want resources on how to navigate reconnecting with your sexual self on your own terms after an assault, that's absolutely something we can help with.

[Bubblegumkid]

Hi Sam

So I haven't seen him in a while because it's currently recess so I haven't told him because I think it's best we spoke in person but I definitely will when I see him.

I do think that's a good point . It's just that I'm really struggling. I ended up creating a tinder profile like 3 days ago and I starting speaking with some people it didn't go far except with one guy who I actually met but I don't think that's going to go anywhere. But I deleted my account today because I just felt empty. Speaking to these guys hoping for something just felt pathetic and sad. I don't know, I just miss the intimacy and love from a relationship (not just being loved but loving as well). I think it's also because both my best friends are in stable healthy relationships I can't help wanting what they have. Especially since things have been quite difficult (school and other family issues ) it would be nice to have a distraction or someone to speak to to help me feel better (I know my friends are there but sometimes I feel like I'm the friend who always has problems and needs to be consoled). I just really can't let go of the idea of a relationship but ill try. I think deleting the tinder account was a step forward.

Yes I'd actually appreciate the help, thank you in advance

[Sam W]

I agree that deleting the tinder account was a good step! Right now, it sounds like it was just another source of sadness, rather than something that was leading to connections you felt really good about.

I do want to say that there's nothing wrong with wanting to love, and be loved. It's not sad or pathetic to want those things, or to miss them when they're absent. But I think you're correctly identifying that right now, trying to find those relationships right now, when you're feeling so raw still in some ways, is setting yourself up for situations where you get your hopes up, only to have them knocked back down. Too, I'd encourage you to reach out to your friends: I'm betting that if your positions were reversed, you wouldn't be annoyed with them for needing care, you know? So I suspect they'd want to be there for you.

Here are some really good pieces to start with, both in terms of reconnecting with your sexuality as a survivor, but also on learning how to cultivate love and intimacy in ways that don't require a romantic relationship:
I'm a sexual abuse survivor: how do I get okay being intimate again?
Navigating sex and sexuality after a long history of abuse and assault
How To Actually Date Yourself
Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots

[Bubblegumkid]

Also there's an inner conflict that I feel. I read through some of the articles you sent and I do realize that I haven't healed as I thought I did . With the guy I'm yet to break up with , as much as I'm not physically I attracted to him I just also think I'm not ready to let anyone into my physical space yet. I notice every single touch whenever he places his hand anywhere on my body and I just really tense up whenever he touches me (as much as you may not be physically attracted to something I don't think I'd react intensely as I'm reacting). I get really panicky and uncomfortable. I remember once he asked us to cuddle and watch a movie , while cuddling I made myself fall asleep instead because I didn't want to experience that moment. I'm just realizing that part of the discomfort probably came from the lack of attraction but also as a trauma response . I do realize it'll take some time to be ohk to let any boy touch me so I'll just stay away from relationships for now.

I'll also try speaking to my friends about it . You're right I know they want to be there for me.

Thank you for the advice!

[Sofi]

Hi Bubblegumkid, hope it's okay that I jump in.
I think you hit the nail right on the head when you said "I think I'm not ready to let anyone into my physical space yet". Not to say that there isn't also a truth to you not being attracted to him and that affecting the relationship... just that the main point here is that it might be too soon regardless. Like Sam said, your feelings are still very raw. You're doing the right thing by allowing yourself to heal more. <3