Struggling with comfort/repulsion in sexuality/NSFW spaces

[Bowler]

Hello!

I guess I was wondering about some things. I realize i'm getting into the meat of this kind of quick but I also just have a lot of thoughts running through my head. i find myself super repulsed by sexuality, but at the same time find great comfort in it, in some weird nonerotic way. I feel drawn towards it, the 'lifestyle' (whatever that means), the vibe, all of it. I'm fascinated by it's innerworkings and.. I guess functions. But I'm also disgusted at the same time and it makes me want to crawl out of my skin. I figured it was because I simply don't feel "adult" enough for "adult spaces", despite me being 18, but I just don't know anymore. I had a FWB partner for a while, and despite super enjoying our activities, I wanted to crawl out of my skin around them too. To my knowledge I never absorbed any sex negative rhetoric, growing up, but I probably did somehow, whatever it may be. That's just the culture we live in.
I just don't understand how someone can be so repulsed yet interested in something. And it doesn't feel like a morbid curiousity either, it doesn't feel like those videos where you peel scabs off. It's a fixation. And it's been around for years, I guess? I just don't understand it. I tried viewing it through a negative lens, didn't work. I tried viewing it through a positive one, as I am right now, and it just doesn't lift the burden. I just dont understand. "Testies can double in size during arousal" Fascinating to learn and think about. It just feels dirty and gross to think or share though, regardless of it lacking sensual implications.

[Latha]

Hi there, Bowler

It's hard to pinpoint an explanation for why this might be happening, but it does make sense to me because I've heard similar things before. Especially in asexual spaces, people will sometimes describe feeling both sex favourable and sex repulsed, or moving between the two states.

To start, I have a few questions.

• Do you have a sense that you are fascinated by some activities or situations and disgusted by others? As an example, some people are interested in sex, but feel aversion when they put themselves in the picture, or think too much about themselves in sexual situations.

• You've mentioned experiencing dysphoria in another post - do you think that might play a role here?

• How much does this discomfort interfere with the things you want to do? What would happen if you tried not to think about these topics?

[Bowler]

1. I guess that's complicated. I like the fashion in leather, for example, and I would feel so comfortable wearing certain garments, but at the same time grossed out. Like, the desire is certainly there, there's just an underlying "eugh" to it that I don't understand. Like something screaming in me that "it's gross", while also definitely knowing what does and doesn't appeal. An irrational discomfort and distaste.

2. Probably. I avoid AMAB porn because it depresses more than excites. But I just try not to dwell on me being trans. I just ignore and don't think about it because like.. nothing good can or will ever come of it (can't magically make the prospect of bottom surgery less depressing, and I cannot afford the $300 sex toys meant to help.) Thinking about it would do no good so I just try ignoring it. ..But that's probably part of it yes.

3. I dunno. I would like to exist in adult spaces comfortably, that'd be pretty nice. Masturbation is a one and done thing for me too, get it over with. I just can't really "not" think about these topics, it's more of something that just happens.

Part of it could also be me feeling forced into it? i'm told that my affinity for latex, the art of bondage, and leather pup masks is "sexual spaces only", but I don't really feel it is. I think it's fine and cool that some people enjoy it like that, but I don't know, I just kind of feel forced into it because there's no alternatives. i would love to be leashed and experience all the kink/bdsm dynamics, but it kind of makes me sad and uncomfortable that I cannot explore it without someone telling me it's inappropriate to just be. It makes me feel like I'm this inately sexual being, it's dehumanizing. It's frustrating.

[Jacob]

Hey Bowler! I wonder if it might be helpful to think of this as in terms of "ideas", "people" and "things", instead of "spaces" (which might involve an array of people and things and ideas, but getting more granular feels like it might actually be helpful here.)

Ideas & Things: it's totally fine to explore things like leather products, masks, works of art, separate from communities where enjoyment of such things is so heavily intertwined with sexuality. You can take those things, or images you like, away from a sexual context none of it need say anything about you that you wouldn't happily say about yourself.

People: Maybe it'd be good to take note of folks who are posting in such spaces who are closest to the way you'd like to interact with these ideas and things? There might already be people whose approaches you like and could explore further by messaging them or starting your own online spaces and mini-community.

I'd also add that with leather and perhaps other things, maybe you could explore looking at makers and leatherworkers whose approaches are generally going to be more focused on artistry, tools, materials and appreciation of the craft than the erotic aspects of their work; aspects which often lose a bit of their potency when you work with a material every day.

[Bowler]

Interesting thank you, I'll give the language thing a shot, and I'll try making my own community.
(To be clear: I don't mind interacting with folks who engage with it sensually, but I don't like feeling forced to. like i dislike the idea that it needs to be behind closed doors as something inherently inappropriate)
thanks a lot though i'll give all of that a try

[Bowler]

Oh, before I forget, do you know where I can advertise a space like this? Like, it's not sexual enough to put in the sexual groups online, but it's not really for kids either. I'm just not sure where it belongs.

[KierC]

Hi Bowler,

I think one potential avenue is to contact the moderators of whichever group you’re thinking of sharing to, checking that it’s ok to share links and that the content fits their group. I will ask staff, though, if they have more specific suggestions!

Edit: I think another good way to think about this is something Jacob recommended. Is there a certain way people interact with these Ideas and Things that you like? Perhaps there’s a special interest group related to *how* people engage with these ideas and things that could attract folks to your community!

[Jacob]

Echoing Kier: Reaching out to people first could be the way, beit moderators or just people who post whose posts you like, it's usually out of the conversations that we arrive at "Right! Lets make a group on focused on 'this' medium, which works in 'this' way, hosted on 'this' service."

I've learnt that nothing happens until someone says "Right!"