I can’t enjoy masturbating. Is this normal?

[Piebymeh]

Hi there, I’m pretty new here, so first post.

My problem relies on my sexual fulfillment and identity. I would just like a note that I’m a virgin. (I am not sure how important that is)
It all started with my sexual identity. I have been so confused about it lately, and I have been so repulsed by dating others. Recently, I was in a semi-sexual encounter with someone, but I didn't enjoy it, but at the same time, I enjoyed the attention. Also, every time I think of having sex with someone, I feel dull about it what’s the point of doing it? Is it that much better than masturbating? But I’m probably just saying it cause I’ve never done it. Now, onto the actual problem: I started masturbating again, but this time, it didn't feel enjoyable. It felt like I just had to do it because I didn't wanna be horny. On top of that, I felt bored like. Yeah, it felt Excellent, but not good enough for me to enjoy it.
Is this normal??

[KierC]

Hi Piebymeh, and welcome to the boards!

It sounds like you’ve been contemplating sex and dating, and are ending up just feeling either dull or repulsed by it. Can you say a little more about how you feel when interacting with other people semi-sexually? Too, what sort of thoughts come to mind when you think about sex with others and it turns out to feel badly?

I’m wondering how much these feelings cropping up has to do with the changes you’re experiencing when approaching masturbation. You know, sexual desire and response during masturbation have just as much to do with your body as your mind, and often it can become more difficult to relax and experience pleasure when you’re feeling badly in other areas. For example, when you go to masturbate, are you thinking about sex with others in the same way that repulses you? That’s my first thought, as sometimes when you’re suddenly not enjoying masturbation as much anymore, it could signal a change happening in how you feel about sex, or a change in how you feel about any number of things that come up during masturbation.

[Piebymeh]

Well, when I try to engage in something sexual with someone, I don't really go far, or I don't let them touch me due to grooming, amongst other problems. But I always feel like they’ll be disappointed or I’ll be disappointed on top of that I try to not have sex cause I feel like my first time will suck, or I’ll catch something, or I’ll even get pregnant. To sum it up I’m nervous and insecure

[HannahP]

Hi Piebymeh!

It completely makes sense that sex and masturbation are hard to enjoy when you're having negative feelings like anxiety and insecurity! You might have heard someone say before that sex is more about what's "between your ears" than what's "between your legs." Sexual pleasure is all about arousal and it's very difficult for many people to get aroused when they're feeling bad emotionally.

It's also super common for people (especially young people who aren't sure what sex will be like, but also pretty much everyone on occasion!) to experience the worries and fears that you mention specifically — worrying about your body and how it looks, worrying about whether you'll enjoy the experience enough or if your partner will, worrying about STIs or pregnancy risk. We have a great article called How to Get Comfortable, which talks about how you can ease some of those worries, first on your own through masturbation, and later, if you want to, in partnered sex.

Just like Kier suggested, it seems likely to me that masturbation has lost its shine because it reminds you of your worries and not-great experiences with partnered sex. Does that seem right? When you're masturbating, does your mind drift to thinking about your previous experiences?

[Piebymeh]

Hi, and thank you for the link. Whenever I’m with partners, we don't really do much besides minor things like usual kissing and rubbing stuff, but one thing I did forget to mention is that fingering doesn't really work for me or clit rubbing, so I don't know if that plays in.

[HannahP]

You're so welcome! When you say that fingering and clit rubbing doesn't work for you, do you mean that you don't find it pleasurable or that it doesn't lead to orgasm?

You said in your first post that masturbation doesn't feel enjoyable anymore now that you've started doing it again. Does that mean that it used to be enjoyable and pleasurable?

[Piebymeh]

Yeah, it used to be pretty enjoyable, and with the whole fingering thing, I never at all found it pleasurable, so it never led to orgasms. Oh yeah, another thing that could probably cause such a dull feeling. (I'm also sorry for leaving a lot of stuff out; I never talked about this before, so I never remember what I need to add.) I’ve dated a few really pushy people, so they wanted a lot of pics and more.

[Andy]

Hi there Piebymeh,

No need to apologize, we are here to listen and talk about this in whatever pace you need.
I’m sorry to hear you had such crummy partners in the past. Do you want to talk more about that? And yeah, you are right that having bad experience being sexual with people might make it harder to enjoy sex in the future as our bodies and minds might fear it will happen again and try to get us out of that danger. If you want, we have some articles by and for sexual abuse survivors that might offer some ideas how to work through that.

Also, when we can’t approach sex and masturbation from a place of excitement and curiosity it rarely feels good and if it just makes us feel down or disappointed then sometimes taking a break from it is the kindest thing we can do for ourselves. Sometimes the break is enough for it to feel better when you want to start again and often it gives you the space to think about and work through the reasons that might be behind the lack of enjoyment. How does that sound to you?

[Piebymeh]

A break does sound nice and I’ll be sure to look at the articles thank you

[KierC]

Hi Piebymeh,

I’m glad what Andy said was helpful! And if you end up having more questions after looking through the articles they sent and taking a break, we’d be more than happy to discuss them with you.