Scared of being attracted to women

[suomi]

For context, I am a gay man with gynophobia, specifically surrounding women in sexual/romantic situations.

I grew up with several paraphilias of which I find absolutely repulsive despite not being harmful at all. I've always hated them and wanted them gone ever since I was old enough to realize it was sexual attraction. The thing is that these paraphilias are ONLY directed towards women. I've been terrified to admit that to myself because of how scared I am of women like that. But I feel physically aroused when I look at images matching my paraphilias. However these images are always fictional because I'm not ready to look at suggestive images of real women, they send me into PTSD episodes. I'm just so scared that maybe when I heal I'll turn out to like women too. I'm so terrified of that happening because I view sexualizing women as hurting me. I've been gaslighting myself into thinking that I'm not attracted to these images at all but the physical reactions I get from them are proof enough. I don't want to be attracted to these images and I'm just praying that I don't end up attracted to women in real life. I don't know what to do. I'm doubly as scared because I haven't experimented with women in the slightest so there's really no way for me to know for sure.

[suomi]

Another thing is that when the paraphilias were developing as a child, I'd project them onto real life women. I don't do that now because I'm terrified and I'm just really scared that the only reason I don't like women like that is because of my trauma

[Heather]

Hi there, suomi.

I'm so sorry that you're struggling like this. Feeling tormented by your own thoughts and desires is a terrible spot to be in.

I do wish that we could help, but what you're describing sounds very much like something outside of our abilities and also not ideal for the medium we work in. This sounds, to me, like a place for a therapist, who can help you one-on-one in complete privacy, and ideally someone with experience treating patients with intrusive thoughts, which is the nature of what you're describing here. Someone who also specifically works with LGBTQ populations would probably also be best.

Is this something you know how to seek out on your own? If not, would you like some help from us in finding this kind of care?

[suomi]

Alright, thank you very much anyways!

[Heather]

Please let us know if we can help you to find that kind of help.