I don't know what to do

[telegram]

I'm a trans guy. I've known I'm trans for just over a year now, and I was questioning my gender constantly for a year or maybe two before that. about six months ago, I tried to come out to my mom, and it didn't go well. long story short, I felt super pressured, and didn't know what to say, and she kept asking me why and... I just couldn't say anything she couldn't refute. In the end, she put it down to extreme anxiety, and brought me to the doctor. I was put on meds (which i'm now off of, because they were 100% useless), and I have since given up trying to explain myself. We both pretend it never happened.
(side note: I DO have anxiety, yes, but it's not nearly as bad as she thinks it is. And most of my panic attacks are because of her. I've come to realize that my family has a LOT of issues, and this is only one of many stories I have, even just about my mom. my dad is here too, but my mom is in charge. We just... don't have these kinds of conversations with my dad. he can't even tell us yes or no to video games without saying "go ask your mom")
since then, I've been doing my best to basically outlive my problems. I'm 16, almost 17, so it seemed like the best plan. I could deal with it after I'm out for good. But, something has come up.
I'm applying for a summer camp at a college I REALLY want to go to, and in the application, it asked for my preferred name and pronouns. I really want to give my preferred name, Carson, and be able to go by he/they pronouns, not only because that's who I am, but also because i'm gonna be meeting new people, and making new friends, and getting away from home for the first time. I want to present myself as MYSELF. But I know that if I do this, my parents will find out. I don't know when or how, but it is inevitable. I know that I could avoid it all and hide, but it would be the most miserable experience I've ever had. And even if I were to bite the bullet and talk to my parents (read: my mom), I just don't know what I could say that could make the situation change compared to last time. For all I know, that could wind up with me not being able to go, or getting put on more meds, or... I don't even know any more.
I'm mentally exhausted every day because of this. I'm always under stress about school and home and whether or not something is gonna break in the web i've made and my parents'll find out that I go by Carson at school, or that I went to McDonalds for lunch once, or that my friends call my mom a bitch, or... anything. I don't know what to do about this situation, because as much as I think and think and think, there's no right choice.
At this point, I know what advice i'll get, but I still just need some help.

[telegram]

(yes, I did lie about my age. It's honestly something I don't think about anymore)

[Ellie]

Hi telegram,

I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this, it sounds incredibly scary. As a fellow trans person, I completely understand your desire to be yourself and use your real pronouns at camp, which I think would be a great thing for you! It sounds like if you make that choice you're wondering about how to handle the consequences. I have a few questions first: When your mom made you go to the doctor for "anxiety," did your gender identity come up at the appointment? I am wondering if the doctor also blamed your coming out on anxiety, or if it was just your mom. Is your mom a person who might be open to reading resources about what being trans really means, if they came from a reputable source? Or would you feel unsafe if the topic ever came up again? And have you considered working with a gender-affirming therapist? If that's possibility for you, your parents wouldn't have to know about the gender part. I really feel for you in this situation, and I hope you're hanging in there okay.

[telegram]

Thank you so much for responding When I went to the doctor, nothing about my gender was mentioned. I was contemplating bringing it up, but I was already so nervous I got dizzy, so I didn't. The biggest problem with my mom is that she's very intelligent, socially and technically (she's on her second masters degree rn). She actually understands and knows a lot about gender, and is very accepting of other trans people. But, she just didn't believe me, I guess. I don't feel unsafe, physically, but my house can easily become a bad environment emotionally, often without warning. But so much of it is because of the tension this situation has created, so it's really hard to tell if it'll be better or worse, if that makes any sense. I've been offered therapy before, but my parents don't see enough to really take it seriously.

[Andy]

Hi there, telegram!

I’m so sorry to hear about the situation with your parents and that your identity hasn’t been respected by your mother. I know how exhausting is to live this kind of "double-life" when you have to be constantly on watch and worried about someone finding something out and the consequences that might bring. I also hear you on waiting and looking forward to being older so having control over your life will become easier. Spoiler: it really will!

As for the current camp-situation, I think there are two main courses of action we can talk about here:

If you decide not to come out to your parents we can talk about ways how to make it safer for you to experience the camp presenting as yourself. For example, do you think it would be possible to fill the official documents with the name and pronouns your parents use and then contact the organizers separately and explaining the situation to them? Or maybe you could just introduce yourself with preferred pronouns when you arrive. If the organizers know enough to ask for pronouns and names, they should be able to understand that as well!

And if you decide on coming out, we can brainstorm ways on how to navigate it and the possible consequences. For, instance, maybe a letter would work better so you could formulate your thoughts without being interrupted and your mum would have some time before reacting to sort her own thoughts and hopefully "remember" what she already knows about gender and transness. But in the end, it will be up to your parents if they will be able to listen to and understand you and there is only so much you can do to help with that. I’m saying that because I know how awful it is and how easy to blame yourself it is when you know the other person understands the issue and is accepting when it comes to other people but doesn’t believe you.

Also, if you want, there might be ways for you to access therapy without your parents knowing and we can help you with finding those as well.

How does all that sound, is there anything from the suggestions you would like to talk about more?

[telegram]

Hi Andy, thanks for reaching out : )
I really want to be able to talk to my parents, I'm just so scared of what could happen if they still don't believe me. I want them to, and I want to try to make our... uncomfortable family dynamic better, but I just don't know if it'll make it better or worse. When I tried to talk to my mom six months ago, she tried to argue that she knows me better than I know myself because she is the parent in the situation. She genuinely believes it too, and that's a massive wall to get through. (this comes from many things, mainly being that I usually wear my emotions on my sleeve, and she believes me to be a terrible liar because I was really bad at lying when I was little. Now, she almost never knows when I'm lying, but when it's a really stupid lie, and she can tell, she thinks she is SO good at knowing exactly what's going on.) I want her to understand, and I want to make this all better, but I just don't know what'll happen.
I could reach out to the camp, but I don't think that would make the metaphorical duct tape hold together any longer. There's already a decent chance they could find out from school, and if I use my preferred name and pronouns at camp, there's a high chance that they'll find out when they come for the art show at the end of the camp. As much as I'd like to believe that it would stay hidden, there's just too high a chance, and I might as well just tear it apart myself.
I do think that therapy would help me, but I don't know if it's possible at this time. I have such a tight schedule, and an unpredictable one because of dodging my parents, and I have so much stuff going on in my life that I just don't think I have time. I could possibly make it work, but it would probably be so unpredictable that it wouldn't be possible.

[aarija]

Hey telegram - I'll echo my peers in saying that I am sorry to hear that you are going through this - dealing with parents who don't believe you is extremely frustrating.

You said you are scared of what could happen if you talk to your parents again and they still don't believe you. I'm curious, what do you think might happen if that turns out to be the case?

What I am hearing is that you're waiting to get some more control over your life before you begin presenting as yourself full time and this camp is an opportunity to get a taste of what that will be like. So I guess my second question is, do the potential consequences of your parents finding out outweigh the joy of living as yourself over the summer?

Also, you mentioned that your mother is understanding and accepting of other trans people - Is there a chance that she begins to believe you if you approach her again, or if she sees you after a full summer of you presenting as yourself?

I like Andy's idea of putting your thoughts in a letter for her - it gives you a chance to speak clearly and she then has an opportunity to sit with what you have to say instead of reacting in the moment. At the end of the day, we can't control how people will receive our truth, we can only give them the chance to hear and accept it. And if you are able to bring it up again without fearing for your safety, it might not be a bad next step.

I hope this helps!

[telegram]

Hi aarija : )
Honestly, I'm not really sure what could happen. I'm scared of being ignored again, but having to live with that and not be able to take it all back, like I did last time. I'm scared of having to continue to fight to make decisions for myself (I am forbidden to cut my own hair, for example, and every time I dress in a way that feels comfortable (baggier clothing, specifically) my mom tells me I look like a homeless bum and I need to change. I have a collection of clothes that I got without her hidden in my closet, and sometimes I'll bring them to school in my backpack and change when I get to school, but it takes time that I sometimes don't have, so I usually just don't bother. I'm scared of how the rest of my family will react, because I'm honestly not sure of anything anymore. I'm scared that the tension in the house will just get worse and worse because of me having decided to push back against them, and that it'll make my mental health even worse. But I know that when I go to this camp, if I have to deal with hiding myself BECAUSE of all these fears. I know that getting out of this house, even for a little bit, will feel so good if I just let myself exist in the world. Im really hoping that she'll believe me more if I bring it up again, but part of me isn't convinced, because of what happened last time. I honestly don't know how she'd react after camp, and im a bit scared to know.
I do like the idea of putting it into a letter, because then I know I can say exactly what I want and I can't get cut off. I think best on paper anyways. I wish that she was more predictable, but I guess no one is, really : /

[KierC]

Hey there Telegram,

I’m glad to hear the idea of a letter sounds good to you. I agree with you, it’ll be a good opportunity for you to be able to speak without interruption, and for your mom to read it and process it before reacting. If you’d like help with what to say as you go to write it, we are 100% here for you on this and can help you think of how to say what you want to say.

It sounds like while your mom is generally accepting of other trans people, she has a limit when it comes to believing you in particular (which, we know, is not true acceptance). Regardless of why that is for her, it’s not a fair position for you to be in to prove your identity to her further than telling her and her believing you. On top of that, I’m hearing you talk about some pressure to minimize tension in your household. That sounds like something that might be getting put on you also — when we *know* that being trans is not a disturbance, it’s people’s reactions that are disturbing. All this to say, when there’s a lot of pressure on you in times like this, it’s okay to take this slowly at your own pace.

How are you feeling about all of this now, and as you approach the letter?

[telegram]

Hi, sorry I took so long to respond
I've been thinking about it, and I realized that I don't really feel ready to come out. I don't want to have to involve my mom in my life that closely, because I still don't trust her. Just this weekend, I was having a panic attack, and she did and said some really damaging things, and didn't listen to me when I tried to tell her she was only making it worse. I've emailed my admissions counselor at the college the camp is at, just to know my options, and I guess I'm going to have to take it from there.
Thank you for helping me through this, it's been a really scary and stressful time

[KierC]

Hey there Telegram,

No worries at all— it’s totally okay to take your time and respond whenever you feel ready. We’ll be here whenever you want to talk. It’s kinda similar with coming out: if you don’t feel ready yet, that’s okay! It may come when you’re in an environment where you feel more safe.

I think it’s also wise to listen to yourself when you feel like you can’t trust someone with coming out to them. Trust needs to be earned, and it sounds like your mom in particular has said and done some really hurtful things recently that makes it really hard to trust her. I’m sorry to hear about the panic attack you had, too. I know it’s so scary and doesn’t help when the other person in the room doesn’t listen to you. Have you been struggling with panic attacks more often?

In thinking about a more emotionally safe environment for you to express your identity, I’m glad to hear you’re emailing the admissions counselor. If you could use he/they pronouns and your name Carson at summer camp, that would be SUCH a great experience with starting to be out in the world. I do think there should be a way to discuss with the counselor if you can have your “legal” name on your parent-facing emails for camp, while noting for resident staff/teachers/etc. that your preferred name is Carson and preferred pronouns are he/they. How does that sound to you?