Am I aromantic?

[veilsan13]

I get confused with myself sometimes in which I think I am aromantic. I’ve dated people in the past but nothing ever really worked out. Every time I’ve had anyone confess their feelings to me, I’ve had a visceral reaction in which I cry and have to be left alone for a min. I’ve confessed to people and I don’t have that same reaction. But even during those relationships, I don’t ever feel “in love” so to say, I’m not sure. My friend D, who I care about and love spending time with, ive had friends tell me it’s so obvious he likes me romantically and I always deny it, saying he’s just a good friend. I’ve thought of what a relationship could look like with him but I get so put off by it, like I don’t think I’d wanna kiss him or do any other intimate things with him like couples do. Sometimes I think I’m weird for not feeling “attraction” like other people do. I love the idea of romance in books and movies, but the times it’s happened to me, I don’t like it. It bothers me. Would appreciate some light on these issues in having

[Ro S]

Hey there veilsan13 and welcome to the boards!

I want to start off by saying that there is nothing weird or wrong about any of the things you've described on your post. Thank you for your vulnerability sharing with us despite all the overwhelming feelings of weirdness or confusion.

I do also get that what's coming up for you seems "out of the norm" or disorienting because you don't see it mirrored in many people around you or you feel like dating is particularly hard for you since you don't feel attraction like other's around you describe. Does this sound right?

I want to share this article with you: Just the Basics, Ace: An Asexuality Primer. In there, the author speaks to romantic attraction and some common experiences by aromantic people. The Ace and Aro advocacy project also has a page on their website dedicated to learning more about aro identities. You might find it helpful to look at their page on "Attitudes towards romance and sex". Let me know if these articles are helpful and if you have any questions or want to discuss more about what you learn.

Can you tell me more about what kind of advice you're seeking from us? Would you be interested in discussing how you can tell other people you like what you're feeling (related to romance, intimacy, and/or sex)?

[veilsan13]

Hi Ro S!

Thanks for providing me those resources, I will definitely give them a read. I guess I would like advice on how to go about this understanding. And yes! The people I’ve dated don’t really posses the same “ideals” for a lack
Of a better term to what I want and it always ends up in a break up. I figured maybe i just need to find someone more similar but it just doesn’t really work.

[Ro S]

veilsan13,

I think that you're already taking the first step of understanding a bit more through readings and reaching out to us. I would recommend taking some time to really consider if any of the things listed in the resources I sent resonate with you and your experience. I don't think anyone but you can decide what feels the most authentic in terms of defining your identity. Though, of course, we'll be here to answer your questions and provide as much guidance as possible!

Can you tell me a bit more of what you value in a relationship? In terms of romance and physical intimacy, are there things that you don't want or things you're open to exploring with others? I think it may be helpful to think about this in order for you to be able to communicate clearly to others what it is that you're looking for.

[veilsan13]

I read over the first link you provided and that was really helpful!
Personally, I don’t know what I would want in a relationship, I assume maybe something like respect and care but not sure. Most people around me talk about sex, talk about marriage and other life events and I honestly don’t want that.

[Latha]

Hi Veilsan13,

This is good! You know what you don't want (sex and marriage) and you know what you do want (respect and care, which are essential elements of any relationship). Are there any aspects of your current relationships that you really value? What would your relationships look like in an ideal world?

P.S. The resources that Ro recommended should discuss queerplatonic relationships. Do you think that term might describe the kind of relationship you want?

[veilsan13]

Thank you for responding Latha!
I’d like to think in an ideal relationship, I would like just respecting my boundaries as it has been a constant in past relationships where they don’t.
And I did read up on queerplatonic relationships and I feel seen with it. There’s still a lot I’m trying to understand myself but I think this is a first good step.

[Sofi]

Hi veilsan13, just jumping in here to reiterate that respect of boundaries is something that should exist in any healthy relationship and it is something you deserve. I'm sorry it hasn't been the case for you in the past. I also wanna just say there are many people who are looking for something like what you're describing so please feel hopeful that as you figure out exactly what you want, you will be able to find that <3

[veilsan13]

Thank you so much! I think this definitely gives me a much better idea of what I want.