I thought I was ace but now I’m so confused

[jellyfish4]

Ok so for as long as I can remember the idea of sex has been so uncomfortable and honestly I never thought about it. I would just forget sex existed and then when it was brought up I could feel everything in my coil away. And so I identify as Asexual, and it’s been awesome. But recently I have been thinking, I don’t really know if I’m actually Ace or if it’s just trauma. Because sometimes I think, yeah if I really trusted a person maybe I would be able to do it. But it feels unnatural even just to think about it. But I have had a so many experiences with SA and sexual abuse that it’s such a possibility that these feelings are triggers and not my sexuality. And I know Ace is a spectrum and you can still have sex and Identify as ace. It’s like the last thing I want is sex, but then sometimes I’ll have a moment of “hmm maybe that would be nice” and when I read a book and there’s a scene of anything like that in it, it makes me so confused because the characters don’t have any of the fears I have and they are able to just be confident. I’m just confused, and my best friend was asking me about it because she didn’t know what ace meant before meeting me, and I was trying to explain to her that it was a spectrum, and she asked where I was on the spectrum. And I have no idea. I’m so confused. Am I really ace or am I just traumatized??

[Anya]

Hi Jellyfish4,

You're totally on the right track by framing asexuality as a spectrum. Asexuality can be many different things to different people and can show up for periods of time and shift as we grow older and change as people. Spectrums are great ways for us to communicate about the fluidity of sexuality, but the downside of spectrums for me is the ends. I personally like to think about sexuality like stars and constellations because they all can exist in the same sky, but be very different from each other, and not dependent on two ultimate ends, they can just exist as they are. This was what helped me understand my pansexuality as an attraction to people regardless of gender, and not dependent on ranking myself on a scale of attraction to just men or women.

There really is no one-size-fits-all version of asexuality that will work for everyone and in the same way, change is a big part of life and growing up that impacts everyone and their sexuality differently. There are tons of ace folks out there who don't typically experience sexual feelings on a daily basis, but only sometimes with specific people, as well as folks who, as you mentioned, prefer to keep their sexual feelings as fantasies and involving fictional characters as a way to express themselves, and many more who may not experience any sexual feelings until later in life, and then fluctuate for a while. ALL of those people get to identify as ace if they want to, and no one gets to tell any of them what they are or aren't because of how asexuality presents itself to them. You get to define your sexuality as anything that feels right to you, and change does not invalidate those feelings when they occur.

You're also right that trauma can influence our sexual attraction or desire for others or experiences, trust me I know what that is like. If you have a counselor or therapist to talk to they can be someone to mention these feelings to because they may be able to help you work through thoughts like this, and if not here's one of our articles on asexuality and its variation.

Something I think is important to mention right now too is that there is also no set timeline for any of this. Thoughts like these are understandably confusing, but as much as you can, remember that this can be something you take steps to learn about yourself over time, and there doesn't need to be any rush in figuring everything out right now. I can totally relate to feeling like you need to know everything right away though! Sexuality is so complicated and there is still so much unknown about it. For now, do your best to take a moment and remember that no matter what, you get to define yourself in whatever way feels right to you, knowing that if that changes, that ok, and if it doesn't, that's ok too. How are you feeling about that?