Adult Friendships

[veilsan13]

I have this friend group where we’ve been friends since Covid (I felt our relationship was strengthened during it) so about a year ago, my friend (A) introduced a high school friend of hers, (B) to our group and he was difficult to get along with, I felt like I hard arguments every time with him and it was exhausting. A few months later, he confesses he has feelings for me and wants to go out with me. I have a breakdown and obviously say no cause I don’t feel like that but then he tries to reason with me and persuade me to go out with him. I say no in the end. I had set boundaries and he did not respect them. It was honestly mentally draining that I had to cut him off and I told him I couldn’t be his friend like this. (A), our mutual, played the neutral card but supported my decision. I know we’re all adults and people can choose who they want to be friends with, but it hurts that she decided to stay his friend even after she acknowledged as well that he was in the wrong and hurt me. How can I go about this situation?

[Latha]

Hi Veilsan13,

Wow, that is some strange behaviour from B! He has exhausting arguments with you for months, and then he says he wants to go out with you and won’t take no for an answer? I understand why you had to cut him off. That said, I know it can be so painful when a good friendship is strained by the actions of other people, and more so when a friend appears to support someone who hurt you. I'm sorry for this.

To figure out how you should approach this situation, I think it might help if we consider your circumstances, and some possible outcomes. To start, I have a few questions:

• Will B continue to attend gatherings with your friend group?

• What do your other friends think of this situation?

• Have you been able to speak to A about your feelings yet?

[veilsan13]

Thank you for responding Latha!
So for the first part, yes. He actively attends events with the group. After I cut him off, our mutual, (A), had her birthday party and I attended knowing he was going to be there. I thought I would be okay but the night ended with me having a panic attack. Since then, I don’t attend hangouts anymore since he is usually a regular.
When I told the friend group what happened, not including (A) and (C) who has been nothing but supportive of me, they all agreed we shouldn’t be around one another but they won’t stop being his friend. I try and think rationally that adult friendships are complex but it’s the fact that they know and understand he hurt me and they continue to spend time with him.
The third point, I have spoken to (A) prior that as much as I care about her, I have to put myself first. She told me she understood but won’t stop being his friend cause they’ve been friends since middle school (which I was not aware of) and can’t leave him.
So I did put some space between the friend group but mostly for my sake.

[Jacob]

I'm so glad you've felt able to make that decision veilsan!

I've tried to keep friendships going where the mutual friend(s) become not-so-mutual and sadly I've never quite got it to work, so opting out sounds to me like you're doing yourself a kindness.

I also think there are certain things that come with friendship groups vs individual friendships that can be particularly painful in this kind of thing, but I have found that over the longer term people do peel off and you can find yourself reconnecting with folks, or connecting with new people you might never have met.

[veilsan13]

It is difficult to maintain these friendships, it takes time and effort and obviously as we grow older, we have to accept that there is so much out of our control. One thing that seems to bother me though is the effort put in. I already don’t feel as close to (A) or the other members of the group because I don’t see the same effort put into the friendship. (A) has also confessed that she feels this disconnect but does nothing to try and make time for our friendship. So I’ve been in a stage of drifting, not really taking part in anything and even then, they don’t invite me anyway cause (B) will be there

[Latha]

Hi Veilsan13,

The fact that your effort wasn't reciprocated doesn't reflect poorly on you, it only means that they were not the right people for you. I know that might not make this any easier. Give yourself space to feel all your emotions. It is possible to feel grief, even for friendships.

Did you say that C was supportive? If so, maybe you could invite them to spend time together without the rest of the group.

[veilsan13]

Yeah, C is incredibly supportive especially after realizing what kind of person he is. We do hangouts every week and it’s just so peaceful with the two of us.
I guess I wish things can be the same but such is life.
I always try and rationalize that I should be the bigger person and just put up with it but then I’m not caring about myself. It’s a hard line but I’ve been told that I should be selfish to think about myself above anything, at least in this situation.

[Jacob]

So happy that friendship is going strong!

I totally get the benefit of the idea that you "should be selfish" - if we're in the habit of self-criticism and relegating our own needs for fear of being selfish, reclaiming "selfish" in those situations can be helpful counterbalance to any internal voice that's like "you can't care for yourself, that's selfish!".

But I'd also say that, depending on your definition of 'selfish', maybe these kinds of decisions of who to be friends with never deserved that self-criticism in the first place. So getting to a place where "I'm allowed to decide" can be your starting point might be most helpful in the long term, instead of battling out all the 'should's against each-other.

I'd say that whatever you decide about which friendships to pursue is totally up to you, even if you end up deciding different things in each case. These are your friendships after all.

[veilsan13]

Thank you Jacob!
You’re right, in the end, it’s my friendships. It’s a tough pill to swallow so accept changes especially when you thought you’d be friends for life but c’est la vie.
I appreciate your words! Thank you!

[Jacob]

Oh for sure! I've swallowed that pill quite a number of times, it's always a big gulp!