My partner doesn’t like my friends

[aarija]

So I think there are two separate things to address here. One is your friendship with Lexi, and the other is the roommate dynamic between your gf and Lexi.

In terms of your friendship, I am hearing a lot of your gf's opinions about how Lexi treats you, but I'm curious to know, how do you feel?
- Do you feel taken advantage of when Lexi asks for rides? Are you feeling resentful because she didn't get you a birthday present, but expects one? Your gf can certainly express her opinions about your friends, but it is up to you to decide your next steps. I think setting new boundaries with Lexi sounds like a great place to start. Do you have an idea of what boundaries you'd like to set in place?

It is also possible that your gf feels strongly about your friendship with Lexi due to the frustrating experience of sharing a living space with them.

So, let's talk about the roommate situation. Right now, is it just Lexi and your gf sharing the space? It sounds like they need to have a frank conversation about expectations in regards to keeping the living space clean and habitable. Lexi's habits do sound like cause for concern as well. Over the course of your friendship, have you noticed their hygiene habits? Is this a new behavior, or something that has been a constant in their life?

If it is the former, the lack of cleaning up after themselves could be caused by a depressive episode, and they might appreciate some support from their friends. If it is the latter, then they should begin developing habits of cleaning up after themselves, which is another thing friends could support them with.

In summary;
- you need to decide if you want to continue being friends with Lexi, and what, if any, new boundaries you'd like to set
- your gf and Lexi need to have a conversation to set expectations about maintaining their shared living space
- you and Lexi's other friends may need to offer Lexi some support in keeping their space clean

How does all that sound?

[MountainMix]

I don't necessarily feel taken advantage of when she asks for rides, but I do feel burnt out because I have to drive more than I usually do in order to accommodate her which costs me time and money. And she kind of just expects it from me, so it makes me feel obligated to give it to her when I don't have the capacity to. I currently am stuck in traffic three hours a day because of my work so giving her rides adds an extra hour to each day which drains me. And I think that's what my gf is worried about.

I definitely do feel bad she didn't give me a gift. And when I say gift, I don't just mean monetary. It could be planning a trip to the park or writing a poem. I view gifts as just making effort for me and making me feel special in some way. But she didn't do that. I had to plan everything for my birthday and no one helped me out with it nor made me feel special. I didn't get gifts at all from any of my friends. But they expect me to give them gifts for theirs. It just makes me feel unvalued.

I also do feel like Lexi takes up way too much space when talking. She's extremely self-centered and doesn't let other people speak. I feel like it may be due to her ADHD, but it's still very frustrating and hurtful because it makes me feel like she doesn't really value or listen to what I say.

I also am disabled, so I understand the accessibility needs for the friendship. But sometimes it feels like she expects me to be a caregiver than a friend, when I can sometimes barely even take care of myself.

In terms of the roommate situation:

She most definitely has exhibited this pattern of behavior for years. She even once had me clean her really gross room because she was at risk of being kicked out of her university. I had to buy fruit fly killer to remove all the fruit flies, throw out maggots in her room, remove stains from her floor left behind from months old food, and clean the pee and poop off the floor. But she still thinks she's extremely clean and hasn't taken accountability for her messy patterns. She actually thinks the University was the one at fault and who took it out of hand and that she had done nothing wrong, which I do find to be extremely concerning.

When I do try bringing up her hygiene patterns she gets very defensive and aggressive, to the point where I feel scared to bring it up. So I don't feel extremely comfortable helping her with that because it's sort of harmful to me.

In terms of boundaries:

I think I want to give her rides only when I am able to physically and mentally rather than feeling obligated to give her rides everywhere. And when she does get rides from me, to ask her to please contribute to gas money, which she never has before. Additionally, I think next year I don't want my gf to room with her. I also want to limit the time I spend with her because it's exhausting to have to constantly advocate to talk and feeling like I'm not being heard.

[MountainMix]

I do feel like Lexi is self-centered and messy. But I do enjoy spending time with her. Just limited time because it can drain me due to her taking too much space with me constantly having to assert myself.

I'm confused about whether my relationship with Lexi is reciprocal because I don't know whether she really truly cares about me as an individual or my car. I definitely felt hurt with the birthday thing. And it is frustrating that she constantly takes over conversations. But I don't know if it's just cause she's selfish or because she doesn't care about me.

And yea. I do agree that my gf is telling me too much what to do with my relationships. I try to tell her but she gets upset because she feels she's completely right about Lexi not being my true friend and doesn't want to see me get hurt. Every time I tell her I still want to continue being friends with Lexi, she says "You'll see what I see one day." She says she's extremely good at reading people and that she knows 100% that Lexi is not a good friend, nor even a friend to me.

[KierC]

Hey there MountainMix,

(I accidentally replied to an earlier post, which was deleted. Replying to your current post here)

I’m glad Aarij’s advice and questions helped you talk a bit more about how *you* feel about Lexi. It sounds like, while you understand Lexi’s needs, they’re a bit overwhelming. I also completely understand how even a non-monetary gift would feel like more reciprocity than you’re getting now, and how frustrating that can feel especially after helping her with so much. Reciprocity in relationships doesn’t have to look so identical in nature — you can show your appreciation in many ways, and it’s normal for two people in a friendship to have different ways of showing appreciation. Do you feel like Lexi shows appreciation or reciprocates in any way, or not so much?

I’m sorry to hear that Lexi reacted defensively about the hygiene stuff. It sounds like there’s more going on for Lexi that’s making hygiene difficult, and that might be an issue that’s hard to touch. I do think it’d be wise for your gf to room with someone else if possible. It might even help with some of your gf’s talking to you about Lexi and just let you two be friends.

But in terms of the rides you give, that’s certainly a place where you can set those boundaries you mentioned. It’s important to recognize, too, when you just don’t want to be around someone. You don’t owe someone your time, particularly when they’re not reciprocating or showing appreciation. With that in mind, do you feel able to tell Lexi these boundaries before she asks for a ride next?

[MountainMix]

To be honest, I don't feel a lot of reciprocity. The most reciprocity she gives is inviting me to hang outs with her, but sometimes I feel like it's because she wants a ride for them. I used to feel more reciprocity in the beginning of our friendship. But now she's just kind of threw me to the side. I get she's really busy, as am I. I just feel like she could put more effort in our friendship.

And yea, I def don't think it's a good idea to have them room next year again. She's already looking at other options.

And yea. I'm confident I can tell Lexi about the boundaries concerning the rides. I am a little worried about her reaction, but if she's a true friend to me, she'd understand.

[MountainMix]

So my partner and I got in a fight last night again about the roommate situation. My gf says she resents me for having her room with such terrible people and said I have poor boundaries and make bad choices of friends. She says she also feels like I dismiss her a lot about Lexi, which I don’t. I just have a different opinion than her and I feel I can’t express that without my gf getting upset at me. I feel my gf wants me to think the way she does about Lexi or else I don’t really care, nor listen, nor empathize with her. She says I make a lot of excuses for her and I shouldn’t. I just don’t really know how to fix this anymore. I’m very tired. I really tried my best to ensure she had a comfortable living experience because she’s trans and I was scared she would be roomed with someone who hated her identity which is why I helped setup the living arrangement with my friends who are also trans because I thought they’d be safer. But it turned out to be an absolute disaster because my gf hates my friends and now resents me for it.

[aarija]

Hey MountainMix, I am really sorry to hear that. It is exhausting to be pulled in different directions like this and it sounds like you have been doing a lot of labor for friends who are taking it for granted. And yes, sometimes when we try to help the people in our life, it backfires. It is OK to acknowledge that you were trying to be helpful and did not consider how Lexi's hygiene habits may impact the people they share space with.

Have you had the conversation with Lexi to set up new boundaries? If so, I am curious to know how that went.

It is difficult to navigate a situation where your partner doesn't like your friends. Oftentimes, the opportunity to learn and grow from it is overlooked because our first instinct to defend the people we choose to spend with. It seems like you understand that your friendship with Lexi is rather draining and not serving you well most of the time. It can be really frustrating to hear that over and over from the person you're dating, especially if their concerns are valid.

At the end of the day, who you spend time with is your choice, and you should make that choice with your best interests in mind.

I also encourage you to stay away from the mindset that you need to 'fix' anything. There are multiple parties involved and everyone has a responsibility to show up in good faith and resolve this conflict. That burden does not fall on your shoulders alone.