Feeling somewhat uncomfortable with a friend’s use of slang

[Asking Queries]

Hi everyone,

First, I wanna acknowledge that Scarleteen is intended for talking about sexuality, gender, and relationships — I’m asking about this here because I feel safe in this space. For context of how I relate to the things I’m talking about, I’m White/Taiwanese, but “pass” as White and don’t really ever talk about it with friends, since it doesn’t usually seem relevant.
My White friend (and other people, but what got me thinking about it was this friend) sometimes use slang terms that I feel fairly certain originated with Black people. I feel uncomfortable when they do this, because it feels like it isn’t theirs to use, but not particularly uncomfortable, and they aren’t using it to make money or do anything else that feels obviously wrong. As far as I remember, this would be the first time we’d talk about race or racism, so it feels especially vulnerable.
I’m wondering if people (can we call ourselves Scarleteeners?) have ideas of how to bring this up to my friend (and whether that seems reasonable)— I feel conflicted because I feel like I should bring it up to address my concern, but I also really care about them and our friendship, and I don’t want it to negatively affect them.

- AQ

[KierC]

Hey AQ,

I am very, very glad you feel safe asking this question here. It’s extremely important to question the behaviors we see that may stem from racial bias — IMHO, it’s everyone’s responsibility to challenge biases when they see it, no matter the “level” of it. Particularly with language, too, you can’t tell how much hearing those words will affect anyone who hears it, and it’s important to recognize that, sure, they didn’t profit off of this language, but their use of it can really impact folks. I do think this is an opportunity to deepen your connection with your friends, too. Would it help to think about this less as a confrontation, and more of you opening up an ongoing dialogue that would benefit all of you?

It sounds like your friends using words that originated in the Black community is making you uncomfortable because you know that the language they are using is powerful, and importantly, the language they’re using is not theirs to use and could very well hurt people who hear them use it. What would it look like for you to start with how *you* feel about this, letting them know some of the thoughts you have around this language, and why it makes you feel the way it does to see them use it?

I hear you that you don’t want to negatively impact your friends by talking about this. Talking about race with your friends is going to bring up some emotions in everyone — that is okay, it doesn’t mean you “hurt” them, and it’s actually a good sign that they’re thinking about their biases. It may be helpful to encourage your friends to tell you, in return, how they feel, and they may feel less negatively or defensive about the conversation. How does that sound to you, to start?