I want to confess but I’m scared

[veilsan13]

I am pretty sure what I feel for my friend is romantic and I want to confess to get it over with but I’m scared. He is currently in med school so he doesn’t have a lot of time to talk or chat since he’s very focused on his studies. I’m also pretty sure he knows I like him but I also don’t want to “open” anything in terms of conversation especially since he is busy. I wouldn’t want to add onto his plate.
Usually, whenever I do like someone, I am usually upfront and will tell the person but he makes me nervous. I know if he were to reject me, it would be okay but then the idea of “what if he returns my feelings?” scares me even more.
How can I go about this? Just bare through it and find a good time? Or should I just blurt it out and call it a day?

[Latha]

Hi there, Veilsan13!

Before we have important conversations, it can be helpful to have a good sense of our own feelings and needs — to clarify what we actually want from the conversation, or think about different outcomes and prepare for them. It sounds like you're relatively comfortable with the possibility of rejection, but I'm curious about why you're afraid of the possibility that your friend might return your feelings.

As for how you should go about this, I think the guidelines are the same as for any sensitive conversation. Here is some general advice: In terms of timing, try to bring this up when you know both of you aren't busy. That way, you'll have enough time to talk, and you'll be able to focus on each other. You could start by telling your friend that you want to talk about something important, and asking him if he is free to speak. Leave space for the chance that he might want some time to think about this on his own. If you feel you like you'll need it, you could prepare some self-care for after the conversation.

[veilsan13]

Thanks for the response Latha!
I think I’m scared of the possibility of my feelings being reciprocated mostly cause I don’t think I deserve it? And I don’t mean specifically from him but from anyone.
I like liking people but the moment they confess to me, I get confused and deny it.
I’ve thought about telling him and I have asked to speak to him regarding other sensitive topics and he always seems to make time for me, which I appreciate. But this feels like a conversation to have in person so I think I might be waiting for that.

[KierC]

Hey there Veilsan,

Waiting to have an in-person conversation is perfectly okay. I think that sounds like a good idea, too: You’ll be able to see his facial reactions, body language, and you’ll get to hang out!

I’m sorry to hear, though, that you feel undeserving of reciprocated feelings from anyone. I know how crummy that feeling is, and how hard it can make it to tell people how you feel, so it may help to untangle where the feeling of not deserving it comes from. Do you want to talk a little bit more about why you feel that way?

[veilsan13]

Hi KierC!
I’m pretty observant when in person so I’m thinking I can prepare myself mentally for whatever response.
And for the latter, I guess my parents are to blame a little bit, they would often say I don’t know how to love, even familial. They would say that’s the reason I would lose friends constantly and why I’m not in a relationship, cause I don’t know how. Things have been better now that I’m older so I think I still carry that with me, as I struggle to accept any forms of affection.

[KierC]

I’m glad to hear that! Sounds to me like the in-person conversation will be a good way for you to gauge how he feels.

I’m sorry that you got those messages from your family. That sounds like it was really hurtful, especially hearing that when you were younger and very much learning how to relate to others (we’re *all* still learning that throughout our lives, truthfully).

You don’t need to have all the answers for “how to love someone” to love and be loved in return. Honestly, there’s no secret to loving someone besides just being respectful, supportive, listening, and caring for the person. Too, having all the answers on how to treat people isn’t what makes someone deserving of love: people are going to stumble and bump into each other emotionally, while still being deserving of happy, healthy relationships. As I said before, we learn to love throughout our *whole* lives, so if not having all the answers made people undeserving of love, we’d *all* be undeserving.

But I know that those messages we get when we’re younger can stick around. It may be helpful, at least as a start, to remember that their messages to you are more likely to be reflections of what they think about their own relationships. After all, parents are often the first cues we get into how people in relationships act. Do you feel like you could set up a routine or something reassuring to say to yourself, either when you’re remembering what they said to you, or when you’re feeling undeserving?

[veilsan13]

I have good friends that really help me in that aspect. I do go to therapy and it is a road ahead of me but it’s slowly unlearning behaviors. That said, I still struggle but remind myself that I am also deserving of love, whether romantic or platonic.
And you’re right, we’re all still growing, I’m only in my mid twenties, I have a pretty long life ahead.

[KierC]

I am so glad to hear you’ve got a robust support system, and that your therapy is helping you unlearn behaviors that don’t benefit you. Have you discussed with your therapist some of these feelings about not feeling deserving of love?

Learning to love is a lifelong process, and the love you give to each person will look different based on what you love about them, how they make you feel, and how they tell you they like to be treated; but the foundations of that love will look similar because a lot of it is learned from the love you show to yourself. With that in mind, how would you feel about taking some time to practice self-love, even if just to show yourself that you can be loved? Are there ways you like to feel loved that you can show yourself first? It may help, if anything, to dilute those messages a bit and see that not only are you capable and deserving of being loved, you’re also capable of loving.

[veilsan13]

So I have talked to my therapist about it and the one thing she mentioned (one of many) was that even though there are times I feel undeserving, whenever I come into situations where my mental health is threatened, I take a step back. She says unconsciously I care about myself enough for that. A form of self love.
I’m learning and I do have setbacks where I’m thinking otherwise but then I remember the relationships I’ve had and the way they weren’t good but I was strong enough to get away.
How will telling my friend go? I’ve no clue but I want to feel better about it.

[Sofi]

That is such a great point - putting our walls up is our subconscious way to protect ourselves, which is a form of self love. What helps me a lot in those moments where I feel myself pulling back or putting walls up is to say to myself "thank you for trying to protect me, I don't need you right now, but I appreciate you". This way I'm showing myself gratitude but shutting it down because I *do* want to be vulnerable despite a part of me trying to protect my feelings. Perhaps that can be helpful for you during, before or after the conversation.

[veilsan13]

I have actually never thought about it that way! I like that. I’ll do my best to remember that when I do.
Thank you!!