How to get Over a Heartbreak

[fresariver]

Hello, I was talking with my coworker for about 2 months before we had a huge argument and I ended things. He wouldn't communicate whenever there was an issue and so I just couldn't do it and ended things. We had agreed to work on ourselves for a while before trying again if we both still wanted to in a few months when we've healed. Well, my friend had informed me about two days later that he had started following our other coworker (lets call her S) on social media.

For context, S had a huge crush on him (calling him A) since before A and I had gotten together. Everybody in our workplace knew this but she stopped pursuing him after me and him started talking (and after he blocked her on everything lol.) Naturally, though, she would always talk about me and, because I'm friends with everyone at work, they would always tell me what she said. I never did anything though and just spoke to her like everything was fine. I guess everything I'm about to say was my fault for being stupid and letting people walk all over me.

Well when I saw that he had added her on everything (I know this was a horrible idea) I was upset and messaged him about it. He got upset back at me because "he just wanted to be her friend" and said that "if you are friends with her, why can't i as well?" Despite the fact that he knew she's been liking him since forever and that she said a lot of bad things about me. He ended up sending me a paragraph about how he was tired of being accused of things that aren't true and blocked me without even letting me respond.

Well, lo and behold, it's been 12 days since the break up and..... he and S have been talking for 3 days now.

If I thought the initial breakup was bad, it's even worse now. It hurts so much anytime I see them messing around or laughing together at work. Two days ago, they went on break together and went and got food together and as soon as they left everyone at my workplace started saying how what he did was a shitty move and that they felt bad for me. I brushed it off but it's actually so hard for me as well. Last night at work I heard him calling her the nickname he would call me (which is also my personal nickname used by my entire family because of an inside joke so it doesn't even make sense for him to be calling her by it?) and it set me back so much.

All I really want is closure, I just want to know why he lied to me and if the two months we spent together just meant nothing for him to just move on a week after we broke up.

So I did yet another stupid thing and texted S last night after work and asked if it was fine with her if I spoke with A so I could get closure. She said it was fine and that "she completely understood how I felt" (which she obviously doesn't because if she did she never would've done that knowing how much it hurts.) So then I asked if she could ask A to unblock me or just ask him herself when him and I could meet up to talk and I never got an answer and it's been 12 hours.

I'm honestly just so lost. I want to go full crazy psycho ex and just go to his truck after we get out of class and demand an explanation from him so I can finally get closure and move on, but at the same time is that even a good idea? I don't know if I should keep trying to get closure or just move on but I genuinely feel like I'm losing my mind. It hurts so, so much, especially because he was my first EVERYTHING. He met my parents, he was the first guy I held hands with, he was the first guy I started talking to romantically, he was the first PERSON I opened up about some stuff that happened to me in the past. I just want to know if all of this meant nothing to him and why, if he's so set on saying that *i* was the one that hurt *him*, am i the only one struggling so much with moving on?

I love my job, I love my coworkers and they're some of my closest friends but I find myself wanting to quit. I don't want to because I truly, truly do love my job and working there but is it setting me back? A and I had the first normal conversation last night since the breakup and it made me feel better and worse at the same time. I miss the days when him and I used to mess around, I miss being his *friend*, not even hus partner.

I hate seeing then together knowing it used to be him and I and not him and her. I hate hearing him call her my nickname. I hate the way I can feel his eyes boring into me when he thinks I'm not watching because both of us know he's not truly over me. I hate watching him smile at her knowing it used to be me. I hate watching them go on break together knowing it used to be us. I hate having to hear from my coworkers that he bought her McDonalds knowing McDonalds was OUR place. I hate everything about the entire situation and I am so utterly lost on what to do.

[Jacob]

I'm going to say somethings here which I think may be difficult to hear, but I do believe there is a way through this and out the other side, but first I think it's important for you that you're able to get as real as you can about this situation and your role in it.

Unfortunately, I don't think what you're describing here is heartbreak, or at least not just heartbreak, i.e. the period of mourning we all must go through when certain relationships change and we slowly come to terms with that change. What I'm hearing instead is anger at having lost a certain amount of control over and status amongst a specific group of people.

When I read in your post

after he blocked her on everything lol.

That "lol" was a pretty huge red flag. You yourself are describing some of the difficult feelings around being blocked so I don't think someone else having experienced that deserves our laughter or derision.

From your description it does sound like blocking her was something he did for your benefit, so it does actually make sense that he would reconnect with her after your relationship ended. I understand that she may have spoken ill of you in the past, but I don't think it's a major betrayal of any kind for these two to freely associate with each other now. I agree it's strange for him to recycle an old nickname, and that would sit badly with me too, but inevitably if that's someone's new relationship it's not really my business anymore even if it sucks.

I also understand that working in the same place and you all being colleagues means you're forced to deal with a lot of feelings in real time, and that can feel overwhelming, but hopefully in some ways perhaps it can also help you face up to things, the knowing of which will help get you through.

It sounds like having reached out to A was motivated by wanting to influence his relationship with S, by indeed, being quite accusatory. And if, as you say, reaching out to S was mostly motivated by trying to get A to unblock you, I think it's important to say is a pretty crappy thing to do. As much as it hurt, he did try and set a boundary by blocking you (and with his words when doing so), and it is very important to respect that.

I can understand that you're upset and hurt but it doesn't sound to me like there's any explanation he could give here which would give you the closure you're hoping it will.

Having a relationship end, and seeing our ex partner moving on and dating another person can be a very painful thing, but what I'm seeing here is not someone giving themselves much of a chance to feel that pain from what it is. If having access to your ex, and the ability to put it on him attempt to explain himself in such a way that feels like closure, is occupying all your headspace then I'd saying it's functioning more as a distraction from heartbreak than a way through it.

I don't think he or she can give you the closure you're looking for. Closure is something, instead, which you have to find in yourself. By making your closure their responsibility, it means that not feeling that closure is their fault, and you're avoiding that risk of self-blame, shame, guilt or anything else which might come from self reflection.

To get through this I really think you need to come home to yourself, and give yourself a chance, and the benefit of the doubt to start feeling the heartbreak for yourself, to teach yourself how you can totally get through some of the more difficult inward feelings and how they can mellow with enough time.

That's the way to start feeling the closure you're looking for, and it also opens you up to being able to relate more to the people around you as folks working through their own stuff instead of villains who are a danger/threat to you by withholding something you think you need from them, and having boundaries around the ways you've been pushing to get this "thing" from them.

That's going to mean for healthier friendships and relationships in the future, and it also means you can avoid escalating this situation further and hurting people through harassment and intimidation, for their sake, but also because that can be a whole other thing for you to process, if things get more heated and you do/say things you will later regret.

[fresariver]

Hi thank you for your response

First I'd like to clear up stuff about the "lol" or trying to get unblocked thing. I didn't mean the "lol" as in a way to make fun of S, I guess it was just a way to make it lighthearted? I'm not sure myself but I understand how it could've come off as a red flag.

As for the reaching out to S thing, I didn't do it to just for him to unblock me, I respect his boundary and I only asked her if she could ask him to do it so we could set a time when we could talk things out. I was never unblocked though and I never received a reply in the first place anyways so I guess that's an answer in itself.

I guess you're right about never getting closure from him, all I wanted was to ask him why he'd lie to me. When we first started talking, it was a little rocky because he had blocked S and then unblocked her and it caused more issues. We had gotten in an argument over that and he ended up blocking her again and he said he would never like her that way and that he never did in the first place. Before he blocked me, he said the same thing "I've never liked S and i never will. I'm tired of being accused of things that aren't true" were his exact words. I didn't think I had been accusing in the way I asked him about it, but even with I was does it really make a difference if what I said ended up being true anyways? Either way, even if I were to ask him why, I doubt he'd really have an answer.

I don't claim to be completely innocent and I definitely could've done a lot of things better but he's also been putting all the blame on me and it hurts because, from my perspective, I did everything I could've.

I guess I just want to talk to him because I want confirmation that I was right and because a part of me wants him to feel bad for the way he's hurt me. He told me I had hurt him so much, but he moved on within a week and I'm still stuck so did I ever really hurt him or did it only hurt me in the end?

I do want closure within myself but I have so many unanswered questions and I don't know what to do or how I can move forward from here, it feels like I'm stuck in mud.

Edit: I also want to talk to him because I do want to figure out what I did wrong. Whenever we would argue all he told me was that I hurt him but he never told *what* it was I did. If I asked he either didn't tell me or he said "i'm not going to talk about it because then you'll say i'm playing the victim." (for context i had told him once during a pst argument that he had a victim complex. i did apologize about it multiple times but he would just keep bringing it up afterwards when i asked him to tell me what i did to hurt him) I understand how me accusing him of trying to get with S couldve hurt, but any other times I don't because all I did was beg for him to communicate with me

[Jacob]

To clarify on my part, I don't think I was saying not to expect closure because he is choosing not give you closure and somehow could give you closure if he wanted, but rather because there is no closure to be had from that conversation, or any version of that conversation. I think you're recognizing some of your underlying intent here when you say part of you wanted to make him feel bad (which is definitely not a good reason to be pursuing a conversation with someone who has made it clear they don't want one), but even looking to him to confirm to you that he has wronged you, by having been attracted to this person in the past, and having denied it, isn't a good enough reason to take this any further than it has already gone.

By the sounds of your relationship, whoever's fault it is or isn't, I can see how he would not have felt able to openly communicate with you, and feel safe to say that he was attracted to a friend, in the same relationship where he also felt the need to block that friend. It sounds like being accused of "playing the victim" also did serious damage to the trust between you, and if this was the thing he felt hurt by, that's a perfectly good enough reason to end a relationship. Recognising the breakdown in communication is also a plenty good (and pretty wise) reason, and simply being unhappy, plain-and-simple is also plenty reason enough.

Going by his words about being "tired of being accused of things", whether or not it's true that he was being accused (it sounds to me like he was) that was the reason he gave, from his perspective, as to why he was blocking you and clearly didn't want this communication to continue. It may not be satisfying but it sounds like he was being pretty candid about his feelings, and so this is the truest explanation you're going to get.

I know you want something more satisfying than that, but honestly I must beg you not to pursue that satisfaction from either of them any longer.

I know I said it in my previous post, and so far, it sounds like you have already pushed those boundaries - but if you keep going the way you're going, and not leaving them be, you are at the risk of escalating things and causing harm in ways you really will regret, and which will take a lot more time and energy to process and work through.

It sounds like there were a many many reasons why this relationship ending was a good thing, and spared both of you any further hurt within it and the fallout that would have resulted.

It's time now to leave the battlefield and go lick your wounds, ok?

Feeling stuck, feeling frustrated, and hating how that feels are all things you're going to have to tolerate but you doing that is going to be more than worth it for everyone involved, including for you.

[fresariver]

I spoke to some of my friends and honestly I had mixed opinions, some said I should try and talk to him and others said to just let it go and I think I'm just going to sit in it for a while and not do anything.

As for the whole blocking thing, I never told him to block S, he did it by his own will so I don't see how I could've made him pressured to block her. In fact, if he had told me he wanted to unblock her simply to fix things with her so that work wouldn't be awkward I wouldn't have minded at all.

I just think the whole situation sucks, I hurt him by being passive agressive and I guess controlling of some sorts (?), he hurt me by going with the girl he told me not to worry about etc etc. it's all just a mess of hurt people hurting people. I really do want to talk to him, I just want to know if anything him and I did meant anything at all since he seemed to move on so quick :/ It's not even because I want him back, I know I 100% do not want a relationship with anybody anytime soon but it would be nice to get answers

[HannahP]

Hi Fresariver, what a tough situation! I understand why you're feeling so confused and mixed up by this. I think it's really common for people to act in confusing ways after a breakup and when we're already feeling all hurt and angry, it can be really temping to believe that if we can just figure out why someone is acting the way they are, we'll feel better!

I agree with your friends who say that it would be best not to talk to him. I think it's unlikely that he'll be able to give you answers that will satisfy your desire to understand the situation, because his actions are probably just as clouded by his emotions as yours are. It often takes people a long time — months or even years — after a breakup to understand why they acted the way they did in that relationship or after it was over.

Instead, I think it would be a good idea to focus on your own feelings of hurt and anger and confusion and process them in classic breakup style: cry if you need to (watch a sad movie or listen to your saddest music), scream into a pillow if you're angry, fill a journal with all your thoughts and feelings, talk to your best friends about it, eat some ice cream, write breakup poetry, anything that will help you get your feelings out! We have some articles about how to handle a breakup, like this one: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking. Read through that and see what you think.

Like you said, you know that you don't really want to be in a relationship with this guy anymore, so it's not really very important how he feels, right? What's important is how you feel and you can figure that out best on your own or with the help of your friends and family.

[fresariver]

Like you said, you know that you don't really want to be in a relationship with this guy anymore, so it's not really very important how he feels, right?

Wow I honestly didn't think about it that way but when you put it like that it makes so much more sense. It feels like I had an epiphany when i read that haha

Thank you for the article, I'll definitely read it and start focusing on myself!!