Been getting conflicting messages about human sexuality and confused. How do I resolve these issues?

[dazzlerazzle]

Hi, my name is Michael. I am posting here because I have been thinking about my sexuality lately. I am a straight man, but I struggle with my desires for the opposite gender as well as a possible kink/fetish for women's clothing and Converse Chuck Taylor's shoes. So this is a lot to unpack. Let's start with middle school. In the 7th and 8th grade, I took abstinence plus (abstinence education taught with comprehensive sex education) sexuality education subsection in my science classes called Human Growth and Development. We learned about body parts, reproductive systems, STIs, pregnancy, abstinence, consent, and risk avoidance behaviors.

My comprehensive sex education talked about the typical sex education concepts like consent, STI, pregnancy, and body parts, but this was back in 2008 to 2010, when I never learned about sexual orientation nor gender identity in any of my sex education courses. In my abstinence education portion of class, they would talk about the emotional consequences of sex, STIs, how condoms have "a higher failure rate than most people think", and a now well-known slut-shaming tactic of comparing women who have casual sex to used candy.

Around this same time, I started watching porn (around age 12 or 13). I remember this interest started with looking at pictures of women in short shorts, bikinis, and leggings, but it gradually progressed to seeing women in underwear and even naked. I then started to do web searches for "sex videos" and that was when I was introduced to porn. Also, I worry that I was breaking the law by watching porn as a minor because these porn sites ask you if someone is at least 18 years of age before entering, but some people told me teens lie about their age (myself included) to get access to online porn.

Then I started masturbating to porn and for the next 13 years (2009 to 2022), I never questioned whether it is healthy to masturbate or watch porn. Then, I started talking to people in my faith community about my sexual interests and I began to feel immense shame for even finding women attractive because I worry that my attraction can turn to lust. In my religion, Protestant Christianity, even looking at a woman with lustful intent is equivalent to committing adultery with her in my heart. This shame made me kept this porn habit a secret.

However, I now worry that I am objectifying women by looking at porn and that these porn viewing habits would cause me to view sexual encounters in real life as a conquest or domination rather than an act of mutual connection. I know sexuality is a hot button topic now, and there is so much conflicting information about porn, and masturbation. Some organizations argue that porn and masturbation is addictive and distorts a person's view of sex. These anti-porn and anti-masturbation proponents even argue that the proliferation of porn and masturbation in modern Western culture exacerbates rape culture.

Now I feel really guilty. Am I practicing poor self-control when I masturbate and watch porn? Am I glorifying sexual violence by watching adult pornography online? Am I being disrespectful when I find women attractive?

So this is all a lot to unpack due to the conflicting messages I have got and would appreciate a sex-positive answer to this issue.

[Anya]

Hi Michael,

Right off the bat, I want to say you're right, these are highly politicized as well as taboo topics at the moment so It can be really hard to talk about them with our community members, and we're glad that you are seeking sexual health professionals for information! To get all of this right, It sounds like you got both abstinence as well as comprehensive sexual education in school back in 2008-2010 that didn't include sexual orientation or gender identity topics, and this also happened to be right around the same time you started masturbating to porn at 12-13 yrs old. Now that you've discussed some of these things with members of your church community, you're starting to feel guilty about viewing porn as it feels like objectification, as well as perpetuating violence and the scary possibility of porn addiction. Let me know if I got that right.

So first off, I want to dispel some of the anxiety around masturbation and porn. Masturbation is a completely normal and highly common form of sexuality that most people participate in. There is nothing addictive about masturbation itself, and it's a natural part of how our bodies work. Porn is also a highly common form of visual stimulation during masturbation and not something that has ever been proven to induce sex addiction. So why do people think it's addictive? Well when we engage in any type of hormone-releasing brain stimuli like watching TV or scrolling on social media, it pushes these buttons in our brain that feel really good. This may happen with porn in the same way it would happen when you watch YouTube, not because it's displaying sex, but because it's a video. Does that make sense?

Many sexual health professionals do not even believe in the concept of sex addiction because the label actually does a lot more harm than good when it shames people for feeling naturally human desires. When we shame, what we effectively do is actually strengthen the original desire. One of the biggest misconceptions in all of human sexuality is the idea that shame and guilt actually make "bad" feelings go away. When we let shame steer us morally, we never get the result we hope for and very often actually go the opposite way. There is a very important distinction to be made between thoughts and actions in this conversation. Thinking doesn't harm anyone. Do-ing can. This is important because when we allow ourselves to think thoughts that we just want to push away, we can actually allow them to go away naturally. If we try to push them down as hard as we can though, they often come back stronger. Once we have let go of the shame we feel about things we desire, we can then make informed decisions about what actions to take.

I want to name that "Porn" is a really big word with lots of meanings, just like the word "Movies". It means the mainstream industry, like Hollywood, sometimes exploitative and objectifying, but it also means ethically made porn, like ethically made movies that pay everyone well and listen to feedback. Ethical porn is committed to creating sexually expressive stimulation that doesn't harm anyone, is fully consensual all of the time, and pays like any other job. This includes non-profits like MakeLoveNotPorn and Ersties but also can include erotic drawing and literature, and self-employed porn actors that are in full control of what and how they work. So there are tons of ways to engage with ethical porn, but what if you want to keep watching the porn you're watching now? Well, important here to acknowledge the science behind why we like certain things. As humans, we are actually really attracted to taboo subjects and the opposites of our core values, so before you freak out too much if your fantasies don't match up with your values, it's completely normal to have oppositional desires, and it's becuase we believe in our core values in the first place, that it some fantasies exist at the other side of the spectrum. We are also watching actors most of the time, not real sex, so as long as we are not learning how to engage in real-world sex and relationships from what we see on screen, we can exile unhelpful shame and instead implement critical thinking skills.

To be very clear, you are not practicing poor self-control by masturbating to porn, you are actually practicing good self-control with the ability to masturbate to porn and separate your sexual desire from your rational, decision-making mind. It is still important though, like I know you are, to be cognizant of the porn you're watching and realize education should come from elsewhere. Next, you are also NOT glorifying sexual violence by watching depictions of rougher sex online, given the porn you are watching displays actors. In videos with consenting actors, there is NO actually sexual violence. If you believe something you're watching is depicting real sexual violence that is a big signal to look for something else for consenting adults. Lastly, you are not being disrespectful for finding women attractive, that's what our brains do! They are literally wired for attraction, and like I have mentioned, shame for feelings doesn't really help anything, it's about the decisions you make that matter. To make the choice every day to honor your beliefs and treat women with respect is what really counts.

Here are some of our articles that tackle these topics and may be helpful. Impurity Culture: Masturbation is Self-Care
Making Sense of Sexual Media
Looking and Lusting: A Straightforward Look at Pornography

That was a lot of information! How are you feeling about that?

[dazzlerazzle]

To get all of this right, It sounds like you got both abstinence as well as comprehensive sexual education in school back in 2008-2010 that didn't include sexual orientation or gender identity topics, and this also happened to be right around the same time you started masturbating to porn at 12-13 yrs old. Now that you've discussed some of these things with members of your church community, you're starting to feel guilty about viewing porn as it feels like objectification, as well as perpetuating violence and the scary possibility of porn addiction. Let me know if I got that right.

That sounds correct.

I want to name that "Porn" is a really big word with lots of meanings, just like the word "Movies". It means the mainstream industry, like Hollywood, sometimes exploitative and objectifying, but it also means ethically made porn, like ethically made movies that pay everyone well and listen to feedback. Ethical porn is committed to creating sexually expressive stimulation that doesn't harm anyone, is fully consensual all of the time, and pays like any other job. This includes non-profits like MakeLoveNotPorn and Ersties but also can include erotic drawing and literature, and self-employed porn actors that are in full control of what and how they work. So there are tons of ways to engage with ethical porn, but what if you want to keep watching the porn you're watching now? Well, important here to acknowledge the science behind why we like certain things. As humans, we are actually really attracted to taboo subjects and the opposites of our core values, so before you freak out too much if your fantasies don't match up with your values, it's completely normal to have oppositional desires, and it's because we believe in our core values in the first place, that it some fantasies exist at the other side of the spectrum. We are also watching actors most of the time, not real sex, so as long as we are not learning how to engage in real-world sex and relationships from what we see on screen, we can exile unhelpful shame and instead implement critical thinking skills.

Thank you for that insight to avoid black and white thinking for all pornographic content. But I was still raised in a religious household where any sexual activity outside of a heterosexual marriage was condemned. I don't want to abandon my faith in Jesus, but I also don't want to harbor feelings of shame and guilt that do not go away by praying. I have considered switching to a denomination that is more LGBTQ+ affirming and somewhat more sex-positive than the Evangelical Protestant churches I attended. I grew up in a Pentecostal church, and I worry that I have become "pornsick" for watching porn for all of those years. I accepted Jesus Christ and got baptized at age 13, but I honestly feel conflicted with my attitude and commitment towards God through adolescence and adulthood. Seeing religious faith being weaponized in a current culture war in the United States does not help this at all.

To be very clear, you are not practicing poor self-control by masturbating to porn, you are actually practicing good self-control with the ability to masturbate to porn and separate your sexual desire from your rational, decision-making mind. It is still important though, like I know you are, to be cognizant of the porn you're watching and realize education should come from elsewhere. Next, you are also NOT glorifying sexual violence by watching depictions of rougher sex online, given the porn you are watching displays actors. In videos with consenting actors, there is NO actually sexual violence. If you believe something you're watching is depicting real sexual violence that is a big signal to look for something else for consenting adults. Lastly, you are not being disrespectful for finding women attractive, that's what our brains do! They are literally wired for attraction, and like I have mentioned, shame for feelings doesn't really help anything, it's about the decisions you make that matter. To make the choice every day to honor your beliefs and treat women with respect is what really counts.

There are surprisingly sex-negative feminists out there who say that "men who watch porn are part of the reason why rape culture is a serious issue". I know that feminist views on porn is hotly contentious, and with so many strong opinions and misinformation, I feel like everyone is trying to instill, influence, or impose their vision of what is "right" onto me through the media I consume. For instance these feminists tend to be SWERFs and TERFs (anti-porn and anti-transgender radical feminists), and I know from research that these feminists are basically the "Westboro Baptist Church of feminism". But back to the anti-porn part, and on LGBTQ+ affirmation, is that if I adopt sex-positive principles, and LGBTQ+ affirmation, into my worldview, as well as watching porn, I feel like I was "never truly born again". Many Evangelical Protestants often say that "there are many people who claim to accept Jesus as Lord but if you assess their attitude and lifestyle, you question if their statement of faith was sincere".

I know that since this online community is for people of varying belief systems, I am not sure if you can best help me with reconciling my faith with these matters. But all of the theologically conservative churches I attended were anti-porn, no sex outside of marriage, anti-LGBTQ+, and even anti-masturbation. I don't want to abandon my faith as that means much to me, but at the same time, I don't want my personal faith journey associated with all of these far-right Christian Nationalist / Purity Culture things I have mixed thoughts about.

I hope that helps Anya.

[Jacob]

Hey!

Just adding my bits to this! Generally, faith is about leaping over the divide between what you know and what you don't know. The material world of things we can poke and prod and prove and know, whereas spiritual things involve letting yourself believe in something on trust and faith in those very things. I'm not sure anyone can answer those sorts of questions for you, even very devout folks from whatever denomination, because essentially it comes down to you.

If you happen to be into scripture, there's plenty of stories where God doesn't answer people's questions, or "casts" them out into "the darkness", which some interpret as a reminder to the reader of that recognizable feeling of not knowing, where we are forced to take personal responsibility for what we do, and we may never know if we did the right thing.

I think it's great to be looking for denominations which vibe with you better, but I get the sense from what you're saying here that your faith already includes those places where you've had to decide for yourself what you think is right.

Of course plenty of people will tell you you're either good or bad, saved or doomed, in or out... but I'd say they're missing out the whole idea of faith when they do that, and as much as they say those things it doesn't change that you do get to decide what you believe and what you're going to go with, and from what I hear about this Jesus guy, he probably would have supported you doing that too.

At the end of the day, however you combine different ethical, sexual, political and spiritual beliefs is your choice - which is a little scary, but it's just one of those things!