i wanna feel better [TW: hypersexuality, SA, familial 'relations']

[_PUTRESCENCE_]

so uh... hi
I go by Hikaru here.
I'm a transmasc teen [he/they] and i really dunno how i came to be this way actually, and i wanna be better.
Oh yeah I have ADHDtism too if that changes any inputs people might have

When i was like 5-6 years old i used to go to & from school via this unofficial bus service [common where im from] and so there was a driver and then his assistant. the assistant was the nice guy of the two cause the other was just mean for no reason iirc. so one day i came early and the assistant [let's call him L] convinces me to put my left hand into his pants. i only remember it being squishy. nothing else.
This might be a little related but i had a thing for being tied up as a kid. like, if me and my friends were playing a game, i was the one who got tied up [i liked it??? fuck if i know why] i remember also tying my grandma's wrists [flimsily] with ribbon
So it should be no surprise that i starting fantasizing about sex, too, at like age 10 onwards...

I came to the conclusion that I was hypersexual after finding the term and seeing that my experience was a little congruent to its signs
I am a virgin though. Like. I freak out when I actually have to change in front of like my family, but that might just be the social dysphoria at play.

NOW, at age 16, it's taken the form of watching SA/inc*st porn....
Disgusting? Yeah.
I think SA is detestable, and i don't even like my relatives like that. ew. so WHY?? is it the taboo aspect?? why do i only get remotely turned on by porn like that???? it's disgusting as FUCK. A funny thing to compare to this is how i, in real life, have no idea how to handle intimacy from others and get very nervous when it happens.
Also, I feel like i unnecessarily lewd up situations by making funky jokes and i get weird compulsive urges to kiss whoever im talking to... eurghh.

i don't wanna be this type of person. I have a girlfriend now, and she's the sweetest, but she barely knows the half of it, and i wanna be better for her at least

My questions are:
1. How did I get here?
2. How do I stop/recover?
3. Any tips for not relapsing?

[Jacob]

I'm so so sorry for what happened!

The biggest real harm your experience did, as far as I can see, is the stress and pain experienced by you both at the time, and now having to think through and process. When looking at your sexuality and development since, in all these years including now, from everything you have said, the only person having done an abusive or even unhealthy thing was that assistant. I want you to know you are not a problem, and that includes your sexuality. It sounds like you just went through something horrible. You deserved care at the time, not abuse, and you, and every part of you, including your sexuality, deserve that same care and love now.

Having sexual thoughts at 10 or enjoying being tied up as a kid are not bad or even unusual, I'd say the same for other aspects of your sexuality now, but the feeling that you have around those experience sound very painful, and it's very common for those feelings to be affected by that early sexual assault/abuse.

So returning to your three questions, I think it's important not to put the onus on you to have a sexuality that needs to look any kind of way... but when you talk about "stop/recover" lets maybe take the "recover" path and talk about the slow careful road to self-care, finding compassion in safe people.

The language of "relapse" sounds like it puts extra pressure on you which I don't think you deserve, and coming from addition recovery communities there is a very binary black/white, good/bad, sober/relapsed way of seeing things, which as you can imagine makes your experience feel like a huge up-down rollercoaster. How would you feel instead if we talked about it more as a long gentle slope?

I'm also wondering if you maybe could say more about your support network at the moment, you mention your girlfriend but I also wonder if there are other people in your life you could talk to too, including mental health workers? Just to help us get a picture.

Again, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Thank you so much for trusting us enough to say what happened, I don't take that lightly. I hope that we can be there for you now and be part of the support and compassion you deserve!

[_PUTRESCENCE_]

Thanks for the kind words, Jacob.
My support network is close to null, to be honest. My mom knows it happened, I've only told my girlfriend about the porn thing [not the categories..] but no one knows the depth of it all. Besides I live in the Middle East, where mental health workers would rather I be a cishet girl than what I am.
Also, if I were to tell my traditional family ANYTHING, they'd kill me the second I said "porn".
All in all, I'm fighting this shit solo.

[aarija]

I want to talk about the hyper-sexual label you've adopted for yourself. Often, we find diagnoses online with a couple symptoms that we heavily relate with. It is easy to then adopt that as a significant part of our identity and start analyzing all of our behavior through that lens, like this:

Also, I feel like i unnecessarily lewd up situations by making funky jokes and i get weird compulsive urges to kiss whoever im talking to...

This can contribute to self deprecating thought patterns and stigmatizing our behavior unnecessarily. It is true the hyper sexuality presents in SA survivors and I don't wish to invalidate your symptoms or how you identify. I do want to encourage you not to analyze all of your actions through that lens, because I don't think it will be helpful in your recovery journey.

I'm so sorry that this happened to you and I also appreciate the trust you've put in us by sharing your experience and being vulnerable.

[Jacob]

Just to follow up too: thanks for getting back to us!

I would say the porn is actually not the part I was suggesting you could find help with. You can actually keep that completely to yourself if you like, especially if it feels like mentioning porn would put you in danger. I was actually suggesting it could be useful to seek help around having experienced that childhood sexual assault. Nobody who isn't safe for you to share information with needs to know the whole picture, but to know that you remember the assuault happening, and that you're suffering because of it might be something a person who cares about you would be able to hear and help you feel less alone.

Usually with mental health services we also do not need to tell the worker anything about ourselves unless and until we feel ready to do so. Sometimes even making that initial contact can be a start.

I've had a quick look at your location and had a quick look around for the services around mental health, but I'd be happy to look in more detail at the organizations the mental health workers you speak about are from to see what their policies are. Would that be helpful?

Also are there any creative hobbies you enjoy, or places which feel positive/peaceful to you perhaps in nature, or elsewhere which you could turn to at a time when you are processing and thinking about what happened and how it's affecting how you feel?